A Madman's Mercy
by Amethyst Jackson
Summary: New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces. Co-written with Jacyevans.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 1)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say,  
A madman's mercy bade thee run away.

--William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

* * *

_Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still absolutely undecided._

_The shrill ring of the phone made us both jump, but it did not break his focus. He took his hand from under my chin and reached over me to grab the receiver, but still held my face securely with the hand against my cheek. His dark eyes did not free mine. I was too muddled to react, even to take advantage of the distraction._

_"Swan residence," Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense._

_Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my face. His eyes went flat, his face blank, and I would have bet the measly remainder of my college fund that it was Alice._

_I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me._

_"He's not here," Jacob said, and the words were menacing._

_There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, "He's at the funeral."_

_Then Jacob hung up the phone. "Filthy bloodsucker," he muttered under his breath. The face he turned back to me was the bitter mask again._

"Who was that?" I asked, even as ice settled in my chest. Something felt terribly wrong suddenly, and I didn't know why.

"Carlisle Cullen," Jacob said with unconcealed disgust.

"Carlisle?" I was baffled. "Why was he calling? Why didn't you let me talk to him?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "He didn't ask for you; he was looking for Charlie."

That didn't sound right. Why would Carlisle call for Charlie? Maybe he had found out Alice was here, but then, why wouldn't he ask about her? I was about to ask more questions when Jake suddenly went tense again beside me and practically flattened himself against the counter. I looked up to see Alice standing in the doorway. Her face was stark and pale, even for a vampire, and that ice in my chest clenched around my heart.

"Alice? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I know I promised to stay, but I have to leave immediately. Something has happened, and I doubt the rest of the family knows."

I swallowed heavily. "Is it - is it -" Damn it, why wouldn't his name come out when I so desperately needed to say it?

"Yes," Alice sighed, as if this were the one question she'd hoped I wouldn't ask. "Yes, it's Edward. Please, stay calm. He's not in any immediate danger. I'll call you as soon as I know more, I promise. Just...don't do anything reckless, okay?"

I shook my head swiftly. "I won't." I would be waiting on tenterhooks until that call came.

Ignoring the malicious glare Jake was throwing her from across the room, Alice wrapped her tiny arms around my waist. I allowed myself to be enveloped by her, trying to ease my heartbeat back into a state of calm and forget about the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that something had gone terribly wrong with... with _him._

Alice eyed Jacob behind me, growing more and more tense with each passing minute, and muttered, "And spend less time with the pup. I can't see you otherwise."

Before I had a chance to respond, though I could hear Jacob's growl of outrage, Alice kissed me on the cheek, spun on her heel, and was out the door. I followed to the window, pressing my face to the glass, and watched as she pulled out of my driveway and drove off down the street. I kept watching long after Carlisle's car was out of sight.

"Is she gone?"

Jacob's voice in the relative silence of the room made me jump out of my skin. I stumbled backwards, and he grasped my shoulder to steady me.

"Sorry," he mumbled, his hand lingering on my arm. My mind was propelled back to our almost-kiss in the kitchen - somewhere my mind did not need to be right now with the possibility that there was something wrong with Edward. I winced as I thought his name, pulling my arm from Jacob's grasp to wrap around myself.

"Yes, she's gone," I told him, shifting the curtains back into place. I sat on the couch staring at the wall, trying not to think of anything, least of all Edward Cullen. I heard Jacob heave a sigh from the doorway to the living room.

"What?" I snapped, glancing up at him. My hands were starting to shake, and I clutched them tighter to myself to hide it. Jacob was glaring. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't he understand?

"Really, Bella? You're going to let him get to you like this, after what he did to you?"

I stiffened and felt my fingernails digging into my arms as I tried to hold myself together. "You don't understand."

"Damn right, I don't understand," he practically barked. "Why would you even think of him when he clearly doesn't care about you?"

My whole body tensed as his words stabbed at my heart like a knife. The pain exploded into a burst of fiery anger, and I felt hot tears burning in my eyes.

"Because I _love_ him, Jacob! I'll always love him and I can't stop just because he did! If you'd ever loved somebody that way, you'd understand."

I knew immediately that was the wrong thing to say. His face was stricken, as though I'd reached out and slapped him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, hating how I'd hurt him. "That's just the way it is."

"I do love somebody that way," he whispered. He sat down next to me and grasped my hand easily, as if I wasn't just holding it tightly against my body. I closed my eyes as he ran his thumb against my knuckles, not able to respond, because it wasn't fair that I was putting him through this and nothing would come of it. I could see that now. Whatever Alice was going to tell me when she called - and she would call, I had to keep telling myself that, or else I would drive myself even crazier than I felt I was already going - I knew I would do what she asked of me, no questions asked, because Edward was involved, and I could never say no to him.

"Jake..." I started, but he cut me off swiftly, as if he could hear the rejection coming before the words ever left my mouth.

"Don't," he said, standing quickly, hands balled into fists at his sides. "Don't say anything." He took a deep breath, but I could still see a fine trembling beginning in his arms. "After all of this - after the way all of them hurt you, you're still going to go to him if Alice calls and asks you to, aren't you?"

His eyes were blazing with his anger. I nodded slowly. "I have to, Jake. I love him."

"Well, that solves everything then doesn't it! You _love_ him. I'm glad for that, Bella, very glad for that, but don't be surprised when he breaks your heart again."

I had to grasp onto the arm of the couch for support. His words bounced around in my brain, repeating themselves over and over again until I was dizzy, my worst nightmare finally dragged, kicking and screaming, into the daylight.

Instead of giving into the temptation to cry, I glared fiercely, standing up to my full height and looking him square in the eye. I'm sure I wasn't too intimidating to him, but I wasn't about to be looked down at by him anymore. "I. Love. Him. It doesn't matter if he loves me; if he's in danger, I'm going to help him, because the thought of him being hurt..." I wrapped an arm around my stomach and tried to hold back the gasp in my throat. "It kills me, Jacob." I narrowed my eyes at him. "And whether he rejects me or loves me or changes me right there on the spot is none of your damn business!"

I'm pretty sure it was the thought of me being changed into a vampire that finally made him snap. Jacob shut his eyes tightly, trying to control himself, but even I could see the trembling in his arms become an unsteady shake.

"I-" he started hoarsely, before turning around and taking off, leaving the front door wide open behind him.

I slumped back onto the couch, trying to hold in my tears and stop my shaking. Eventually, when my mind was comfortably numb, I finally got up to close the open door. And then I went to start a very long and complex dinner for Charlie, because I needed the distraction.

In the end, I couldn't avoid thinking about it. Even as I was dicing vegetables, my mind wandered to our argument. _Why_ did it have to be this way? Why did Jacob have to feel things for me that I could never return? And the day's events were enough to confirm that for me. No matter how much I'd wanted to make Jacob happy, I knew now that I could never kiss him without thinking of Edward. I couldn't let it go. Edward had taken my heart with me when he left...and it was never coming back.

I was surprised not to feel the urge to cry, but there was only resignation at the knowledge that I would be only half a person for the rest of my life. Maybe I'd known it all along.

Over the next few days, my thoughts bounced from Jacob to Alice to Edward...but mostly to Edward. Now that I had let him back into my head, I couldn't get him out. Where was he now? What had he been doing down in South America that could possibly lead to him being hurt? What could hurt a vampire? Could I go on living this way if anything happened to him?

Charlie could sense my agitation, and I knew he wanted to know why Alice had left so suddenly, and why I wasn't talking to Jacob. Again. But he didn't ask; I think he was afraid I'd go off the deep end again, and I just might, if Alice didn't call soon.

Finally, after a week of waiting, the phone rang as I walked in the door after my afternoon shift at Newton's Outfitters. I ran into the kitchen so the call wouldn't kick over to the machine, promptly tripping over the lip in the doorway and almost flying into the wall. I balanced myself against the doorframe and grabbed the phone on the fourth ring.

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.

"You know, you didn't have to run to the phone," I could hear the restrained amusement in Alice's voice. "I would have called back in ten seconds. If you hadn't grabbed the wall when you did, you would have sprained your ankle, and I would have been fetching you from the hospital."

"Fetching me?" The rest of her words faded to the back of my mind as my heart skidded to a stop and lodged itself somewhere in my throat.

"I'm already in the car." As she spoke, I realized I could hear the wind whipping past in the background. "I'll be there in less than an hour. Go upstairs and pack. Bring at least two weeks worth of clothes and anything else you think you're going to need - I don't know how long you're going to be gone."

"Gone?" I was barely able to gasp out the word. I steeled my nerves and asked the inevitable question. "Alice, where's Edward?"

"Denali," she answered shortly, "Where you're going to be by tonight."

I gripped the edge of the table, her words making my head spin. My knees were shaking. "Charlie..." I said faintly.

"I'll deal with Charlie when I get there. I already have a plan. And stop panicking," she added after a moment's pause. "You can have a nervous breakdown as soon as you get into the car."

I gripped the phone so tightly in my hand, my fingers fell asleep. I tried very hard to breathe, but my lungs refused to work properly. "Alice, what's going on? What's wrong with Edward?"

"The only thing you need to know right now is that we've tried to help him and there's nothing we can do. You're the only one who can help him, Bella. So, stop worrying and start moving."


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 2)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

**A/N:** You all are lucky duckies; this chapter is going up here before anywhere else.

* * *

Alice hung up, and though my brain was still catching up with her words, my body didn't hesitate for an instant. _You're the only one who can help him, Bella._ Her words rang in my head like a mantra, like a drug I couldn't resist. Edward needed _me_, when I had always been the needy one.

The thrill was short-lived as I started throwing clothes into a duffel bag, the same one Edward had been stuffing almost a year ago as we ran from James. Suddenly, having a psychopathic vampire after me didn't seem so bad, comparatively.

What could possibly be wrong with Edward that only I could help him? Worry sunk into my bones, and I was shaking as I went to the bathroom and started tossing toiletries into my bag.

Denali... God, I was going to see him again. His face...that face I thought would only live in my fragile human memories. My heart thumped erratically and I had to shove back the excitement and the hope. This didn't change anything. I had to remember that.

I thought of all the other vampires in Denali, and that was sufficient distraction. All I really knew was that there were five of them, and Laurent had gone to join them before he fell off the wagon. What would they think of me? Some random human barging into their world? The Cullens had accepted me because of Edward, but would they?

I was pacing the living room, still riding the emotional rollercoaster that I couldn't seem to get off of, when Alice finally appeared. She didn't knock or announce her presence, so I nearly had a heart attack when she appeared in the doorway.

"Alice!"

Alice walked fluidly into the living room, all swiftness and enviable grace. She glanced at the bag sitting at the side of the couch and arched her eyebrows. "That's all you're bringing?"

"I pack light," I choked out, feeling like I could barely breathe.

Alice rolled her eyes at my attempt at joking, and muttered, "So much for not panicking." She pulled a folded sheet of paper out of her pocket and thrust it into my hands. "Here. We can't wait for Charlie to come home; he won't be back for another two hours."

I stared at the piece of paper, on which, in handwriting that looked identical to mine, was written the following:

_Dear Charlie,_

_I wish I could wait to tell you this in person, but if I wait any longer, I won't leave at all. Alice's visit made me finally realize that I'm staying here for someone who might never come back. I'm going down to Florida to stay with Mom for a while. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, but I do know I can't stay in Forks anymore. I'll call you tonight when I get to Jacksonville, and every night until I'm ready to come back home. Mom still doesn't know I'm coming yet, either, so don't call her - I'll figure everything out when I get there._

_--Bella_

I stared at the words on the page, rereading them several times to allow them to sink in. Finally, I looked up at Alice and swallowed hard. "Good forgery," I whispered. I stared down at the letter one more time then gingerly placed the paper on the kitchen table under a mug from the drainboard. I hated lying to him again. At least this time, he didn't think I was leaving because I hated him.

Alice sensed my distress. "He'll be fine, Bella," she promised, placing her hand on my shoulder. "And he'll believe you. As long as you keep in contact with him regularly, he won't call Renee."

I nodded, barely able to take the small comfort she offered. Alice squeezed my arm gently, then went to pick up my duffel bag from next to the couch. "Come on. It's a long ride to Denali, and I'd like to get you there before nightfall."

My heart picked up speed again as I remembered why I was telling this lie in the first place. In just a few hours, I was going to see Edward, and I still wasn't entirely sure _why_ yet, only that there was something wrong, and only I could help. Casting one last glance at the letter on the table, I reluctantly followed Alice out the door.

Alice was quiet in the car, and I thought I would explode from nervous energy.

"Calm down, Bella, or you won't be any use to Edward," Alice sighed and gave me a sharp look.

"Will you please tell me what's going on, then?" I asked. I kept looking out the window as the trees flew by, afraid to make eye contact during this conversation, lest talking about Edward should lead to one mention too many and I would break down.

Alice pursed her lips. "Fine. Bella, ever since...we left, Edward has been having trouble controlling his gift."

"What do you mean, controlling it?" I asked.

"How to explain...imagine you had a gift like that. You could hear everyone's thoughts, all the time. Millions of voices in your head, _all the time_. You would have to learn to tune some of it out, or it would be unbearable."

"Okay," I nodded, forcing my brain to consider the problem clinically and ignore just who the problem belonged to. "So you're saying he's been having trouble...tuning it out?"

"Exactly. At first, it was just around us, and I think that's one of the reasons he left. He didn't tell me it was getting worse, but the visions I had of him suggested it was."

I frowned. "So what happened the day you left? I don't understand."

Alice sighed again. "Apparently, from what I found out afterward, Rosalie decided to call Edward and tell him I'd seen you jump off a cliff to your death. I don't know what on earth she was thinking; she had to know how he would react. Well, then he decided to call here, to find out for sure, but I couldn't see what would happen because the _dog_ answered the phone. I heard the werewolf telling him Charlie was at the funeral, and you can imagine what Edward inferred from that. That's when he snapped."

My heartbeat roared in my ears as all of this sunk in. "Snapped...how?"

"He lost it. Completely. He couldn't control his gift, and the weight of that many voices in his mind..." Her voice trailed off, allowing me to come to my own conclusions. "By the time I got down to Brazil, he was barely coherent." I shivered at the thought of the Edward I knew - inhumanly strong, unbearably beautiful Edward being felled by his own gift. If Alice noticed, she said nothing, but continued with her explanations. "Jasper met me there and tried to use his gifts to calm him down, but even after we got him out of Brazil and somewhere familiar, nothing helped. Carlisle is completely baffled, and he's the one who helped Edward become acclimated to his power in the first place." Alice frowned, her eyes narrowing slightly. "It doesn't help matters that he hasn't hunted in weeks."

"But Alice, I still don't understand how _I_ can help if you weren't able to do anything."

Alice turned to stare at me as if I'd grown another head and was sitting next to her naked. "You can't be serious."

I gazed back at her blankly.

"Bella, he's like this because he thinks you're dead. He started losing control because he left Forks - because he left _you._" I sucked in a breath as the familiar sharp pain rose through my ribcage at the reminder of Edward's desertion. "Surely, you connect the dots and see the picture I'm painting for you here."

"But..." I hesitated, then took a deep breath, wringing my hands in my lap, and forged on. "Why would he react that way... when he doesn't love me?"

Alice hissed something rapidly under her breath, and I had a feeling I didn't want to hear most of what she was saying. "Bella, has it ever occurred to you that Edward might have lied about the reason he left?"

I shook my head, remembering with awful clarity his emotionless eyes as he'd brought the world crashing down around me. "I don't think he was lying, Alice."

"Hmmph. I think you underestimate the strength of his martyr complex," Alice countered.

"I don't understand what you mean," I said. The memories were trying to worm their way back in - the way he'd held himself at a distance those last few days, the sense of foreboding I'd felt, never thinking he could really leave me... It hurt too much, and I pushed those thoughts back into the vault.

"Bella, haven't you ever noticed Edward's penchant for self-sacrifice? Of course, that makes him very good at living our lifestyle, but more often than not, he only succeeds in making himself miserable - and that won't matter to him if he thinks he's doing it for a good reason. That's why he tried to stay away from you as long as he did, and why he refused to make you one of us. It's also why he left."

I shook my head in automatic denial as my chest tightened. "No...he couldn't...you don't understand...the things he _said_, Alice..."

For a brief moment, Alice looked absolutely furious. Then, it passed. "Obviously, nothing I say will convince you. If you won't believe he loves you, at least consider this - your mind is the only one he can't hear. The rest of us, our family - no matter how hard we try, we can't shut off our thoughts around him, and that causes him more pain. But you - you can approach him without doing that."

Alice was silent for a while, allowing me time to mull over her words. While I could now understand her rationale for needing me to help Edward, I knew she was wrong about everything else - there was simply no way that he could still love me. Even Edward wasn't that good of a liar, and after everything he'd said to me... I shuddered, trying not to remember, but unable to forget. I wrapped my arms around my midsection and stared out the window instead, watching the scenery slowly change from the lush, green forests I'd grown to know so well to a landscape covered in white snow.

"We're here," Alice said quietly, so as not to startle me. I swallowed reflexively, staring at the large house that loomed in front of us, my heart suddenly pounding in my chest.

A knock at my window practically made me jump out of my skin. I hadn't even realized that Alice had stopped the car and was already standing outside, tapping her foot impatiently. My door opened, and Emmett's chuckling face came into view. I glared, blushing furiously as I stood up.

"Thought you were going to sit there all night," Emmett said, grinning, taking my duffel from my shoulder, even though I was more than capable of carrying the bag on my own.

"Leave her alone, Emmett," Esme's soft voice carried as she made her way down the porch steps. "She's had a trying enough day without you poking fun at her." She smiled at me gently, wrapping her arms around me. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to be comforted by her.

"Welcome back, Bella," she whispered in my ear, "We've missed you." I clung to her a little tighter, tears stinging my eyes.

The moment was quickly broken as I pulled away and brought up the subject the three Cullens had been hasty to avoid. "How's Edward?"

Esme tensed; Emmett stopped in his tracks; Alice sighed.

"Well?" I prompted.

Esme shook her head sadly. "He hasn't improved any. You might...brace yourself, Bella. He's not the Edward you knew."

"Yeah, he just sits there and babbles, mostly," Emmett said with his characteristic bluntness, though I could see in his eyes how distressed he truly was. "Thank God you're here. If anyone can straighten him out, it's you."

I was feeling less and less sure of my ability to do that by the second, but I forced a weak smile for Emmett's sake.

"Let's get you inside," Esme said, guiding me through the door into a warm foyer. Emmett and Alice followed along behind us. "You can meet Tanya's clan."

Butterflies erupted in my stomach. "Um, shouldn't we -"

"You'll see Edward soon," Alice said, knowing, of course, what I would ask. "But we have to wait for Jasper to get back from hunting, so he can keep him calm. Since he hasn't fed in so long, none of us are sure how Edward will...react to you."

"Oh," I murmured. "So where are -"

"There she is!" a voice rang out, and before I could blink, a petite, blonde, golden-eyed vampire stood before me, grinning from ear to ear. "Our conquering heroine."

"Bella, this is Kate. She, Tanya, and Irina are sisters," Esme said.

Kate surprised me by hugging me delicately. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Bella."

I couldn't help smiling as I murmured a quiet, "Likewise."

"Give the girl some room to breathe, Kate."

Kate rolled her eyes as she pulled back from me and turned around, sniping at the person behind her, "It's a hug, Tanya, not a choke hold."

I arched my neck, suddenly desperate to see the face attached to the musical voice I'd heard. Kate shifted, and my heart sank. Tanya was every bit as beautiful as I'd imagined her to be, more so even. Her strawberry blonde hair fell in waves to her waist, her amber eyes framed by flawless alabaster skin. A shocking tendril of resentment rippled through me. No wonder Edward had left me. I could never hope to look like Tanya, not even in my wildest dreams. Not even if he'd changed me into a vampire.

Tanya frowned slightly, as if she could read my thoughts on my face, but then her smile was back as she stepped forward. "Welcome, Bella. We've heard so much about you."

I blushed and heard laughter from behind me, soft, almost like windchimes, and realized it was Tanya. "You're right, Emmett, she does get embarrassed awfully easily." I could feel my face reddening further.

"We're just teasing you, Bella," Kate said, pulling my arm through hers and tugging me further into the house. "Everything we've heard has been nothing but good, cross my heart." She gently pushed be down me in a plush armchair in the room at the back of the house. A fairly large stone fireplace dominated the wall to my left, where a fire was crackling merrily - I had a feeling the fire was for my benefit, as none of the other members of the household had any issues with the cold.

"Where's Irina?" Emmett asked. My bag was already gone, and I guessed he must have already run it upstairs with his vampire speed.

Tanya and Kate both frowned. "Oh, she's in a snit," Kate said. "When she found out what happened to Laurent, she decided she wanted nothing to do with Bella."

I looked down at my hands, desperately uncomfortable that I wasn't entirely welcome here.

"Oh, don't be upset, Bella," Tanya said, and I looked up to find her rolling her eyes. "Irina is being completely unreasonable. Her boy toy fell off the wagon and tried to kill you. That's hardly _your_ fault. Nor can I blame the werewolves for attacking him. He was something of an arrogant ass."

Kate giggled. "Yes, Irina will get over it. She's just grumpy that she's not getting any."

I blushed, and Kate and Tanya laughed. "Anyway, dear, don't mind her. You'll meet Carmen and Eleazar soon; they went hunting with Jasper. Don't want to be taking any risks with a human about."

"Right," I swallowed heavily. "Um...where are the others?" A certain doctor was noticeably missing, along with a certain blonde bombshell who, admittedly, probably didn't want to see me.

"Carlisle is with Edward," Esme told me. "And Rosalie..."

"She's feeling a bit guilty," Emmett said. "Doesn't want to face you."

My eyes went wide. "Why?"

Alice bit her lip before answering. "Well, she's the one that told Edward you were dead, before she knew better. She feels...responsible for what happened. I think she's worried you'll blame her. So she's hiding out in the garage."

"Of course I don't blame her!" I said more loudly than I'd intended, much to everyone else's amusement. I blushed, sinking further into my chair.

Emmett chuckled and elbowed Alice. "Told you so. You owe me fifty bucks." Alice's eyes narrowed. Esme slapped both of them in the arm.

Trying to save myself from further embarrassment, I took a deep breath to calm myself and clarified, "I mean I don't blame her for Edward sitting upstairs in a half-catatonic state."

Alice smirked and elbowed Emmett hard enough that he winced. "Told you so," she muttered, much to his chagrin. Tanya snickered at the exchange. Kate rolled her eyes.

I was saved from any deeper explanation by the front door opening, followed by the sound of footsteps echoing down the hallway. I had a feeling the volume was for my benefit. I turned in my seat just in time to see Jasper enter the room, followed by two vampires I did not recognize. Both had a slightly olive tone to their skin, dark hair, and amber eyes, brighter from their recent hunt.

Jasper immediately stepped over to Alice, as if there were a magnet pulling the two of them towards each other. Envy rose within me, which I immediately tried to stamp down, as he placed his arm around her waist and she leaned effortlessly into his side. I remembered being held and touched like that, once upon a time.

I felt a sense of ease wash over me suddenly and smiled. "Hello, Jasper."

"Bella." Jasper's smile was clearly forced, and he looked at me with guarded eyes, something like...concern? Or...guilt?

Jasper offered a truer smile at my confusion. "I wasn't sure how you would respond to me...after last time."

Oh, right. That. I'd often wondered if things would be different if Jasper had been successful in taking a bite out of me. Would I be a vampire now? Would Edward still love me? But I knew the mostly likely scenario would be Edward growing bored with me, and I would be alone forever...

"Water under the bridge," I managed to say, avoiding Jasper's knowing eyes. "I'm the one who managed to get a paper-cut opening a birthday present."

Emmett chuckled at that, almost distracting me from the way Jasper whispered in Alice's ear, and she shook her head sadly. I was about to ask about it when Alice the All-Knowing chose to cut me off.

"Bella, let me introduce Carmen and Eleazar."

The two olive-skinned vampires stepped forward and each carefully shook my hand. Carmen smiled warmly at me, and I could easily imagine her as she might have been human; I pictured her in a red flamenco dress peeking with sultry brown eyes over a lace fan. And Eleazar...well, he was every bit the stereotypical Latin lover. But he was looking at me strangely.

"What is it?" I asked him, unnerved. Nobody else had stared at me this way.

He smiled abruptly and laughed. "Sorry, Bella. It's just that you have a great amount of potential."

"Potential?" I was confused again.

"Eleazar's gift is to sense the abilities people might have as a vampire," Carmen explained, hooking her hands around her husband's arm.

"Definitely a shield, a powerful one," Eleazar nodded. I heard a few gasps and _oh_s of understanding, and I narrowed my eyes. I hated being the only one in the dark.

"What is a shield, exactly?" I questioned.

Eleazar smiled. "Someone with the power to protect. As a human, I suppose, you can only protect your own mind against vampire abilities, but as a vampire, you could do much more."

I blinked up at Eleazar, allowing his words time to slowly sink into my brain. Edward and his family had always suspected that I would have a power if I'd ever be changed into a vampire. _Someone with the power to protect._ After being the one who always had to be protected for so long - the fragile little human who always had to be looked out for, that would be a refreshing change of pace. A change that would, unfortunately, never happen. It might have been a possibility once. I'd like to think I had been, slowly but surely, wearing down Edward's walls and getting him to see my point of view. I had to be a vampire in order to be with him forever. But none of that mattered now. When all of this was over and Edward was better again, he would send me back to Forks. Human. Alone.

I shook my head slowly, banishing these thoughts to the far recesses of my mind and gave Eleazar a small smile. "Too bad we won't ever have the chance to find out."

"You don't know that, Bella," Carmen said, her voice every bit as soft and lilting as I'd imagined it would be.

"Maybe not," I said softly. "Neither do you," I snapped at Alice, just as she opened her mouth to comment. We were speaking about the future, and I knew she, of all people, would have something to say.

Alice wasn't fazed. She simply arched her eyebrow and said, "Don't I?"

Before I had a chance to respond, or even think about what she'd said, Jasper murmured, "Calm down, Bella," his eyes drawn to the staircase. I felt my muscles relax, and all of the frustration leak out of me as I followed his gaze.

Carlisle came down the stairs slowly, and I was shocked to see him looking so... worn out. I didn't think it was possible for a vampire to look haggard. His face was drawn, his eyes dull, faded almost to black. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent on his fair skin. Yet, he still smiled at me, and said, "Hello, Bella. Glad you made it here safely."

"Of course she did," Alice said, bristling. "She was with me." Jasper laughed quietly and kissed her temple. Carlisle made his way over to Esme and kissed her cheek, lingering.

That familiar jealousy shot through me. I stamped it down quickly and turned to Carlisle instead, knowing I could finally receive a concrete answer to the question all of my hosts had been skirting around since we'd arrived. "How is he?"

Carlisle's smile quickly faded. "He is...not well. It will require a great deal of energy and patience to make him well again."

He never asked the question outright, but I knew the answer I had to give. "I'll do whatever it takes."

Carlisle smiled faintly. "You're a very special girl, Bella. We're all grateful to you."

Would Edward be grateful to me when this was all over? Could that gratitude ever be enough to keep my heart from breaking all over again when I had to leave him?

"He's not himself," Carlisle went on. "He doesn't recognize any of us. All of our attempts to communicate with him only seem to cause him more pain. He's lost the boundary between his own mind and the rest of the world."

I shuddered at the thought of Edward that way - vulnerable, suffering, lost in his own mind... I knew now, with deadly certainty, that it didn't matter what happened to me or my broken heart. Edward had to be saved.

"I believe Edward needs to be in complete isolation," Carlisle continued. "Try as we might, it's impossible for us all to turn off our thoughts for him. He needs mental silence if he's ever to get better."

I frowned. "But then...where do I come in?"

Carlisle smiled patiently. "A madman left to his own devices won't ever find his way back to sanity. He needs someone to guide him back...someone who won't get mixed up with the voices in his head."

I swallowed heavily. They wanted me to be alone with Edward in the middle of nowhere...

"We'll have to assess his reaction to you first," Carlisle said, misinterpreting the cause of my fear. "If he appears to be at all dangerous to you, we'll find another way..."

"No, you're right. This is the best way." I was the only mind Edward couldn't hear, and now at least, there was less of a mystery behind why. I wanted to be able to tell Edward what Eleazar had explained to me, so that maybe he wouldn't be so frustrated by the riddle my mind presented him. I wanted Edward back, if only for a little while, no matter how much I was going to hurt when we were apart again.

I squared my shoulders. "I'm ready now, if you are."

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to wait until morning?" Esme said gently, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I know you want to help, but it's already late; maybe you should just -"

"I'm not tired," I said, cutting her off. I wasn't. In fact, I was startlingly alert for the middle of the night, my mind on overdrive. I wondered if this was Jasper's doing, or if this was just a result of the adrenaline rushing at a high speed through my system. Either way, my body was going to crash before morning, and I wanted to see Edward before it did.

Carlisle looked to Jasper, as if to confirm that I wasn't lying about my current mental state. Jasper gave him a small nod, released Alice's waist, and started up the stairs. Carlisle gestured with his hand for me to follow.

"Special" or not, my legs were shaking as I climbed the staircase. Jasper slowed ahead of me, and I felt myself relax as I reached his side.

"Thanks," I whispered.

He gave me a small smile. "Edward isn't the only one who needs to be calm for this to work."

I blushed, nodding. He was right. Now wasn't the time to lose my head. I could freak out later, when I was alone.

We turned left, and Jasper walked ahead of me, stepping into a room at the end of a long hallway. Carlisle stopped me in front of the closed door. "Bella, I need you to promise me that if it looks like things aren't going to go as planned - If you're in any danger - "

"I'll leave. I promise." My heartbeat roared in my ears as Jasper focused most of his energy on Edward. Carlisle's concerns were making me even more nervous than before, but I didn't have time to have any second thoughts, because Carlisle was opening the door and guiding me slowly inside.

I stepped into the room, then stopped short just through the doorway. Taking a deep breath, my doubts crumbled at the sight in front of me.

"Oh, _Edward,_" I said, voice trembling.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 3)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

He was in the corner curled in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest. Rocking back and forth, he mumbled quietly and rapidly, too jumbled for me to make out any words. The room was completely empty save for a wall sconce that provided the dim lighting in the room. Whether it had always been that way or not, I didn't know. The drapes over the windows were shut tight.

His only reaction to the sound of my voice was to rock harder, shaking his head between his knees.

Physically, he didn't appear to have changed much. The pale, marble skin was still there, along with the circles under his closed eyes. His face remained a model of perfection - square jaw, perfect lips, straight nose. His hair, perhaps, was messier than usual, left to the torture of his hands moving through it. Maybe his clothes were wrinkled and dirty. He wasn't as perfectly put-together as I'd been used to seeing him...but that face was still the one I loved beyond reason or hope.

No, what broke my heart and made my legs tremble was the way he now held himself. He looked so..._fragile_, so breakable. So...human. Arms clutching about him as if he could hold himself together - oh, how painfully familiar that posture was. I struggled to breathe through the tightness in my chest and throat.

"Edward," I murmured again, venturing a step closer. When he didn't react, I took two more steps. "Edward? Can you hear me?"

His eyes snapped to me with alarming speed, and he tensed all over. I held myself as still as I could, my only fear that he would be unhappy to see me. I knew my blood would be more tempting than ever to him after months apart, and I knew his careful control was battered and damaged right now...but in my heart, I couldn't fear _him_. I had never been able to fear for my life in his presence. He was simply more important.

However, no matter how little I feared him, I could tell that Carlisle and Jasper were afraid of what he was going to do now. They took steps towards Edward. I shook my head at them.

"Wait," I said quietly. Carlisle froze and nodded, keeping his distance. He wouldn't step in until Edward did something to truly threaten my safety. I was hoping, with every fibre of my being, that it wouldn't come to that.

Suddenly, Edward shocked all three of us - he stood up silently and slowly approached me, like a small animal afraid that if he moved too quickly, the predator would get him. The lion was afraid of the lamb. I was utterly at a loss.

I stayed completely still as Edward raised his hand to my cheek carefully, like I was made of porcelain. Or like he was sure I would disappear at any moment. I knew how he felt.

"Bella?" he whispered, voice awe-struck, eyes never leaving mine. Only then did I realize how black his eyes were. I'd only ever seen them like that once before, the day we met in Biology. The day he'd almost killed me. I swallowed, forcing the thought from my mind.

I didn't get a chance to respond. Edward dropped his hand from my cheek like he'd been scalded and I jumped back, startled. He backed up into a corner in a movement so fast, my eyes couldn't follow him. He shook his head furiously, repeating over and over again, "No, no, no."

"Jasper-" Carlisle said nervously.

"I'm trying!" The frantic look on Jasper's face made my breath hitch. "He's not calming down."

Carlisle turned to me and took my wrist, steering me towards the door. "Bella, I'm sorry. This isn't going to work."

"But-" Carlisle wasn't going to give me a chance to respond. He wasn't going to give me a chance to try, and there was no way I was going to get back in once he locked me out of the room. I had an idea, but I needed to be near Edward, and for that, I needed Carlisle to trust me.

Jasper sensed my desperation. "Carlisle, wait."

Carlisle released my wrist for a moment, and that was all the time I needed. I ran across the room to where Edward was crouched against the wall, curled in against himself. "Edward. Edward!"

"Stop. Stop. Dead, she's dead," he murmured.

"Damn it, Edward, I'm not dead!" He clutched his hands around his head and wouldn't listen to me. I knew I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to, but I could _try._ "Edward, please!"

I grasped his face and did my best to force him to look at me. As suddenly as he'd backed himself into the corner, he went silent as he focused on me. I stared at him and the world seemed to narrow down to him and me, to _us._

I have no idea how long we sat there, but eventually, he sat down on the floor in a more relaxed pose, his hands dropping down into his lap. My eyes drooped, exhaustion finally kicking in. Jasper touched my shoulder and I jumped.

"Are you sure you don't have any latent empathetic powers?" he said, smirking slightly, "Because that is the most relaxed I have seen Edward in over a week, and all you did was look at him."

I knocked against my temple with my knuckles. "No thoughts. Well, at least none he can... hear." My last word was cut off by a yawn. Jasper chuckled and held out a hand to me.

"Come on. Time for the human to go to sleep."

"Edward comes with me," I said, taking the hand Jasper offered. He and Carlisle eyed each other.

"Bella, you need your rest," Carlisle argued.

"And Edward needs me."

"I think he'll be fine with her, Carlisle," Jasper said, still watching Edward's still form. "That might be for the best, even."

Carlisle nodded, and I turned to Edward, reaching for his limp hand. "Edward?" His bleak eyes looked up at me trustingly. "Will you come with me?"

I grasped his hand and tugged lightly. He hesitated, then stood, startling me with the smoothness of the motion. This Edward wasn't humanizing his movements for me.

I towed Edward along behind me, and he followed like a child. Carlisle walked in front of us, guiding me to the room I'd be sleeping in, and Jasper went behind, probably watching Edward for any sudden movements. But he was docile.

I was taken to what I presumed was a guest bedroom where my hastily packed duffel bag waited - except someone had unpacked my pajamas and the toiletries I would need for the night. Alice, probably.

"One of us will be right outside at all times," Carlisle told me. "If you need anything, just say the word."

I nodded. "Thanks, Carlisle."

He and Jasper left then, the door clicking shut softly behind them. I was alone with Edward now. A quick survey of the room showed a normal bedroom - a large, soft bed in the center, with a wardrobe, closet, and nightstands on either side of the bed. A small bathroom was attached.

"Will you sit here, Edward?" I said, guiding him to the bed. I pushed at his shoulders a little, and he sat, just watching me. "Stay here," I said firmly. His eyes followed me, but he didn't move as I gathered up my things and went into the bathroom.

As I rushed through the necessities and quickly changed into my pajamas, I found myself longing for the time when Edward would be waiting on the other side of the door with his arms open for me...but that was something that was gone for good, and it wasn't important right now.

I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment, taking in my appearance, and almost laughed. With the gauntness to my face, the purple bruises under my eyes and pale skin from lack of sleep and stress of the past few months, I could almost pass for a vampire. I shook my head, picked up my belongings, and slowly pushed open the bathroom door.

Edward was still sitting where I'd left him on the edge of the bed, but instead of staring out into nothingness, he'd pulled his knees up to his chest, eyes shut tight, and was slowly rocking back and forth. It seemed that as long as I wasn't in the immediate proximity, Edward went back to not being able to focus his control even slightly. I tensed at this realization, but could feel myself calm almost instantly as I entered the room. I knew immediately that Jasper was still standing outside, as promised, and keeping his eye - or mind, as it were, on things.

Ignoring my own anxiety, I threw my clothes onto the floor and hurried over to Edward, gently touching his shoulder so as not to startle him. I could hear him mumbling to himself, though I couldn't make out what he was saying.

"Edward," I whispered, and he eventually stopped rocking and pried his eyes open to stare at me. He said only one word, and it broke my heart to hear it.

"Stay," he whispered, and I fought to keep myself from shattering because I wondered, when he was better and had no need for me anymore, if he would still be asking me the same thing.

I nodded and lay down, tugging on his hand to lay with me on the bed, but he didn't follow. Instead, he sat back against the headboard in one of his startlingly sleek movements.

I tried to get comfortable, but knowing Edward was staring at me while I was trying to sleep, eyes blank and unfocused, made me feel uneasy. Eventually, exhaustion won over discomfort and I fell into a restless sleep.

I dreamed I was in the forest again, but something was different. I realized, as I wandered through the trees, that I wasn't lost. I was following an earthen path, and I knew that at the end of that path waited someone who needed my help.

I woke in the middle of the night to a strange sensation. As I peered into the darkness and found Edward's perfect face looking down at me, I realized it was his cool fingertips lightly touching my face.

"Edward?" His eyes met mine, and they were filled with...anguish. That was the only word I could use to describe the emotion haunting him. "What's wrong?"

"Don't leave me," his frantic voice pleaded. "I don't care if it's not real..."

"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled, but he didn't answer. He merely sat back and started watching me again, as if I would disappear if he took his eyes off me.

I tried to go back to sleep, but his words continued to ring in my ears. _I don't care if it's not real..._ What on earth did that mean? What wasn't real?

My heart sunk. He must mean our relationship. He wanted to pretend. But could I pretend that for him?

I had to remind myself not to over-analyze his words. Edward wasn't in his right mind, after all. Who knew what he was really talking about? But still, I couldn't shake the feeling of dread that settled into my bones. I had a feeling that when this was all over, when I had to leave Edward again, that my heart would shatter...and this time there would be no picking up the pieces. There wasn't enough superglue in the world to repair that many cracks.

As my eyes drifted shut again, Edward ran his hand down my cheek, then folded his arms across his chest and shuddered. I yearned for his arms around me as I slept, to press my face against his chest, or for his hands to drape against my waist as I fell asleep. I had a feeling it would be a long time, if ever, before that happened again.

When I woke up the next morning, I was alone. I glanced around the room, but Edward was nowhere to be found. I immediately panicked, threw on a sweatshirt, and flew down the stairs, heart pounding the entire way. I tripped on my way into the only room I recognized, the lounge area at the back of the house, where Tanya was sitting on the couch, smirking down at the magazine in her lap.

"She's awake," she said offhandedly, then picked up her head and grinned at me. "Hello, Sleeping Beauty."

"We were wondering if maybe you'd fallen into a coma," Emmett said, entering the room through another door at the back. "Esme has breakfast ready for you in the kitchen. Alice is heating it up for you now."

"'Breakfast' is relative," Alice stated, coming through the door I was now guessing lead to the kitchen. "I don't think it counts as breakfast after one o'clock in the afternoon."

"One o'clock?" I asked her, shocked. Had I really slept that long? Where was everybody? I shook my head, trying to clear the cobwebs. "Where's Edward? Why isn't anybody here? Did something happen?"

"Nothing happened, Bella, calm down," Alice said as she led me over to a chair and placed a plate of eggs, toast, and bacon on my lap. I could see Tanya's nose wrinkle out of the corner of my eye, but my mouth was watering already. "I'll talk. You eat." I shoved a piece of bacon in my mouth, encouraging Alice to continue.

"Rosalie, Esme, Carmen, and Eleazar went on an extended hunting trip."

"Carlisle thought that things might be easier for both you and Edward if there were fewer minds around the house for him to have to block out," Emmett explained.

I nodded. That made sense.

"And Irina is still off moping somewhere," Tanya said with a sigh. "Kate has gone off to try and talk some sense into her. Good luck with that," she muttered.

"And Edward?" She still hadn't filled me in on why he wasn't at my side when he'd seemed all but attached to my hip since last night.

"Carlisle and Jasper took Edward hunting," Alice told me.

I was startled by the news, but made sure to swallow the eggs I was chewing before I asked her, "Is that such a good idea?"

Emmett shrugged. "He seemed calm enough this morning that Carlisle was willing to try. If it doesn't work, they'll come back."

I thought about Edward's reaction to being away from me for the few minutes it took me to get ready for bed the night before, and had a feeling that, short of bringing me out to hunt with them - something I knew was impossible - this morning's outing was going to be less than successful.

"Maybe you should have gone, too," I frowned at Emmett, thinking of Carlisle and Jasper trying to hold down a crazed Edward.

Emmett just laughed. "Don't worry, Bella. They'll be fine."

"Eat," Alice prompted, and I dug into my eggs obediently.

"So if the hunting works out, the plan will go like this -"

"Don't you already know whether the hunting will work out?" I asked Alice, whose face abruptly fell.

"No, I can't see him anymore. His mind is so disorganized, he's not making any decisions – ergo, no future."

"Oh..." I hadn't thought of that. Alice wouldn't be watching, then, when I was sent off with Edward to who knows where...

"Anyway, Carlisle and Esme own an island off the coast of Brazil -"

"Brazil?!" I interjected before I could help myself.

"Calm down, Bella," Alice said, rolling her eyes. Tanya was silently laughing through all of this. I felt very self-conscious as I continued to munch on my bacon.

Alice went on, "Jasper and I will accompany you and Edward down there. We'll set you up with food and everything you need for the duration of your time there, and we'll be staying in Brazil, so we won't be far."

I gulped. "So...basically, you're leaving me with him on a deserted island?"

"Quite the romantic getaway, huh?" Tanya chuckled, and I felt my face turn roughly the color of a beet.

"_Tanya,_" Alice scolded, exasperated, even as Emmett laughed, though I was almost certain he was laughing at my very human reaction to Tanya's comments, and not directly at me.

Suddenly, I sat up ramrod straight in my chair, like an electric current had run through me. I almost dropped my plate, but Emmett was there to catch it before I made a mess of myself or the floor.

"Bella, what's-"

"Charlie!" I gasped, cutting him off, horrified that I'd forgotten. "I didn't call him last night, he's probably freaking out right now, and-"

"Bella, will you please relax?" Alice was already standing by my side with a cell phone in her hands. "Charlie found your note and considered calling your mother, but figured you'd need some time to calm down and settle in and would call when you were ready. Don't you think I would have told you last night if I foresaw any problems?"

I sunk back into my chair, crossing my arms across my chest. I could feel my face heating up again. "Yes," I grumbled.

Alice handed me the phone. "Your home number is pre-programmed, as is Renee's and both mine and Jasper's cell number, and Carlisle's, just in case."

I shook my head, fumbling through the phone book for Charlie's number. For once, I wasn't going to argue about them purchasing a gift for me.

The phone barely rang twice before Charlie picked up with a breathless, "Hello?"

"Hi, Dad."

"Bella," Charlie sounded relieved. "Bella, are you all right?"

"I'm okay, Dad." I took a deep breath, hating lying to him, but knowing that I had no other choice. "I'm sorry I just left the way I did, but I knew that if I waited until you came home, I might not have left at all, and-"

"It's fine, Bells," he sounded exhausted, and I felt guilty, knowing I was the cause of his stress. "I just want to know that you're safe."

The way he was talking, it was almost as if he knew I wasn't telling him everything. Sometimes, I wondered if my father was more perceptive than he pretended to be, especially where I was concerned. I thought about being on a deserted island with a fragile and very unstable Edward, and trying to nurse him back to health all on my own. I thought about the state _I_ would be in when he was better again, and I would have to leave him.

"Yeah, Dad," I lied, swallowing hard. "Everything is going to be fine."

"Take care of yourself, Bells," Charlie said, by way of ending the conversation. He hated talking on the phone.

"You, too, Dad," I sighed. "I'll...see you when I can."

It was hard to hang up with him, knowing my choices had hurt him once again - but I knew, also, that there never really was a choice. The moment I had laid eyes on Edward in the cafeteria a little over a year ago, my fate had been sealed.

"Hey, cheer up," Emmett said, seeing my face fall as I set down the phone. "We'll get you back to him."

I smiled weakly. He didn't understand; how could he? The one he loved would be with him forever.

I was about to ask what I should do with Edward once I was alone with him when all three vampires in the room suddenly stiffened. I pictured them as three cats suddenly catching sight of a bird.

"They're back," Tanya murmured, frowning.

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking between them.

Alice shook her head. "Nothing new. See for yourself."

Just as she said that, Jasper and Carlisle came in through the back door, nearly dragging Edward between them. He was angry, snarling, and I couldn't fathom why.

"Geez, what'd you do to him?" Emmett asked. "Don't tell me your powers are malfunctioning, too, Jazz."

Jasper sighed. "Don't call me Jazz. And, no, he's just...very angry right now."

I tentatively approached them, hoping Edward wouldn't snarl at me, too.

"I don't think he wanted to be fed," Jasper remarked, and I noticed that Edward's eyes were golden now. So they had been successful in one regard. "He wouldn't hunt himself...we had to do that for him. It wasn't until he smelled fresh blood that he finally drank."

"Well, Bella's not going to be able to hunt for him when they're on the island," Tanya said, frowning. "So, that's an issue that's going to have to be rectified. But I have a pretty good idea of how to calm him down."

"I'm all ears, Tanya," Carlisle said, shifting his hold on the still-struggling Edward.

Instead of saying anything, Tanya came up behind me and gently shoved me forward. I jumped at the feel of her hands on my back, then turned to stare at her, too stunned to say anything.

"All yours, love," she said, crossing her arms. "Work your magic."

Extremely self-conscious of the five vampires watching me, I timidly approached Edward, while Carlisle and Jasper slightly let up their hold on him.

"Edward?" I said quietly. Edward's head whipped around to look and me, and I froze at the furious look in his eyes. The last time he'd looked at me like that had been across a classroom, before I'd known what he was and thought he'd hated me. I had to take a deep breath before I could take another step closer. "Edward," I whispered, even quieter this time. I slowly raised my hand to his cheek."Its okay, Edward. I'm here."

Slowly, the fury faded from his eyes, replaced by that same awe-struck look I'd seen last night. He finally stopped struggling, and Carlisle and Jasper released their hold on him, but did not step away. "Bella?" he whispered. I nodded.

He placed his hand against mine on his cheek, then drew me closer to him. This embrace was not one of affection, but more of desperation and anxiety. He repeated my name over and over again into my hair and clung to me, as if being separated from me had caused him pain.

Oh. _Oh._ I finally saw what Tanya had realized before all of us, that Edward had been angry, not because he'd been forced to hunt, but because he'd been separated from _me._ This realization filled me with trepidation - how were either of us going to survive if he couldn't be away from me for even a few hours without freaking out?

"Ouch," I muttered quietly as Edward clung to me even harder. Apparently, this Edward wasn't as concerned with being careful as he was with holding on to me and not letting go. When breathing became an issue, I whispered to him, "Edward, you have to let go now." Edward shook his head against my shoulder. I tried again. "Edward, I promise I'm not leaving, but I need to talk to Alice. It's important. And for that, you have to let me go."

I could feel Edward's cold breath against my shoulder as he sighed, but he eventually slipped his arms from around me. I took a deep breath as Jasper led him upstairs, but he was surprisingly cooperative, a stark contrast to his behavior just a few moments before. He kept his eyes on me until I was out of his line of sight.

"Well," Emmett said, breaking the now-awkward silence. He scratched his head.

Seeing the always talkative Emmett at a loss for words broke something within me. The panic I'd kept bottled up inside of me finally broke free and Alice had to guide me over to the couch because my entire body was shaking and I was gasping for air.

"Breathe, Bella, you're going to hyperventilate," Alice told me, and I took a few deep breaths. Only then did I realize there were tears streaming down my face and I was gasping because I was sobbing.

"Alice, I don't know if I can do this," I told her when I was finally able to form words. "How am I going to do this?"

"Bella, you _can_ do this, you can. You have to." I shook my head. How could I explain to her that yes, in theory, I could do this, but that Edward's sanity wasn't the only one hanging on the line? Alice grasped my chin, forcing me to look at her. "Listen to me. You are the only one who can help Edward right now. It's only been a day, and - I mean, look at him, Bella. You saw him yesterday; even you can see the improvement."

My breathing had returned to normal and I'd mostly stopped crying. "I know. I guess I just panicked."

"That's completely understandable, Bella," Carlisle said, handing me a box of tissues.

I flushed, but took them from him, muttering my thanks. "But what am I going to do about the whole hunting thing? He's going to have to be away from me at some point. It's not like _I_ can go hunting with him, and I do like my privacy when I go to the bathroom."

Emmett chuckled, and Carlisle smiled. "Everything will work itself out in time. I'm sure of it." I'm glad one of us was.

"Besides, Bella," Alice cut in, "I told you Jasper and I would be nearby. We can come and help him hunt."

"Right," I sighed. It didn't make the prospect of single-handedly curing Edward seem any easier. And if he was going to cling to me the way he currently was...how could my heart not respond? How could I keep my love bottled away any longer?

"We should get a move on now," Alice said, plucking the tissue from my hand and passing it off to Emmett. "The flight was already booked, just in case. You need to get dressed."

I was too surprised to protest until we were halfway up the stairs. "We're leaving already? Is he ready for that? That's got to be a long plane ride..."

Alice actually chuckled. "Bella, he's perfectly fine with _you_. I don't think we'll have any trouble keeping him happy. And if he hasn't eaten you yet, he's probably not going to take a bite out of anyone else."

I grimaced. "Right."

Alice rolled her eyes and practically shoved me into the room I was staying in. "Get ready. You've got ten minutes."

Jasper and Carlisle had left Edward on my bed, I realized as soon as I opened the door. His eyes lit up, but they were hesitant. It felt like he wanted to come to me, but wasn't sure if he should. Whether that was the case or not, I had to go to him.

"Edward?" I said tentatively, reaching out to touch his perfect face. His hand darted up to catch mine and hold it there. "We're going to leave soon. I have to get dressed. Will you wait here?"

"Leave?" His voice was broken.

"You and me," I clarified. "Together. It's okay."

He nodded and slowly released my hand. I took that as his permission to go get ready, so I dug out a fresh set of clothes and went into the bathroom. By the time I had finished changing and brushing my teeth, Alice was already knocking at the door, and she barged in before I could answer.

"It has _not_ been ten minutes," I said, popping my toothbrush back into its holder.

"Yeah, but you're ready now," Alice pointed out, taking everything from my hands and flitting back to my duffel bag to pack it away.

I heaved a sigh. Vampires.

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 3)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

Edward wasn't sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I peered around the room for him, as if I expected him to be hiding in a corner somewhere.

Alice was standing at the door, my bag on her shoulder. "Jasper has him waiting rather anxiously in the car for you, so let's get a move on before he decides to barge back in here and carry you out himself." I rolled my eyes, but followed her down the stairs and out the door.

Emmett was waiting for us on the porch and gave me a hug that almost cracked my ribs. He ruffled Alice's hair, and she ducked out of the way, glaring playfully. "Take care of him, will you?"

"Of course I will," I told him, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world. As if there was any way I _couldn't_ take care of Edward.

Esme approached me next. She folded me into her arms, then joined Carlisle, taking his hand. "Take care of yourself as well," Carlisle told me with a smile.

Tanya surprised all of us by leaning down and kissing my cheek. "It was nice meeting you, Bella. I hope we'll see each other again."

I nodded, but I wasn't sure how to respond. What could I say? When this was all over, there was no way I would ever be able to come back here again.

Edward was waiting for me in the backseat as I hopped into the car. His face smoothed into a less anxious expression as I took his hand and Jasper pulled out onto the road. The ride was mostly silent, except for the occasional quiet mumbling from Edward. I smoothed my fingers over his knuckles, trying my best to keep him calm, but not entirely sure how. I knew things weren't going to go as smoothly as planned as soon as Jasper pushed open the doors to the airport.

There were too many people here. Edward was on overload. His eyes darted everywhere, taking in his surroundings. I didn't want him to crash and burn before we'd even gotten on the damn airplane.

I pulled Edward over to a corner where there were less people and sat him down. He was surprisingly cooperative, allowing me to guide him around and push him down by his shoulders into a chair. I placed my hands on his face and forced him to look at me.

"I need you to focus on me, Edward, just me. Don't think about anyone else. Pretend they're not here."

"They're in my head, they're all inside my head," he muttered, closing his eyes.

"Look at _me,_ Edward." He opened his eyes. I still wasn't used to Edward actually listening to everything I asked him to do. "Tell me what you hear."

He stared at me for a moment, and his brow furrowed. "Nothing."

I smiled. "Exactly. So," I stood up and held out my hand to him. "Don't listen to anyone else's thoughts but mine. Okay?"

"But... you don't have any," Edward said, and his voice was so quiet and confused that I couldn't be angry at him, even if I did hear Jasper's chuckles and Alice's tinkling laughter from behind me.

I could feel my lips twitching. "Thanks, Edward," I said dryly. I was shocked as he actually tried to smile.

"Nice save, Bella," Alice murmured. She smirked. "And you said you couldn't do this."

I rolled my eyes.

"All right, time to go check in," Alice said. Edward clutched my hand a little _too_ tightly as I towed him along. He was tense, scared even, as we approached the counter, but he kept his eyes on me. I talked quietly to him as Alice and Jasper took care of the details.

"We're going on a plane ride, Edward, but when that's over, we're going to an island - just you and me. There won't be anyone else's thoughts to bother you. Won't that be nice?"

Edward nodded slowly, but there was something in his eyes...something like...fear? "You won't go away, will you? You won't leave me alone?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I told him, frowning. Why would he think _I_ was going to leave _him_? I wanted to know what was going on in his head, and I thought perhaps he would tell me, but this wasn't the time or place to ask.

"All done," Alice announced, handing me my passport and ticket, along with Edward's. "Our flight leaves in one hour. We should get to the gate now. They'll be boarding soon."

"Okay." Alice and Jasper led the way, holding hands like any young couple in love - although 'young' was a relative term. I was very much aware of the farce that Edward and I presented, also holding hands - but out of necessity now, rather than any love on his end.

When the woman at the gate called our flight, I handed her my both my ticket and Edward's, flashing her both of our passports. I rocked back and forth on my heels impatiently as she checked to make sure the names and pictures matched. I could see the not-so-subtle glances she was shooting Edward, and felt a bolt of possessiveness shoot through me. I squeezed his hand a bit tighter when he winced.

The woman finally handed me back the tickets and the passports and smiled. "Thank you very much, enjoy your flight," she said in one breath, ushering us along quickly.

"Are you okay?" I asked him once we were out of earshot of everyone but Alice and Jasper, who had somehow managed to hang back and wait for us.

Edward looked at me for a few moments, and I realized he was trying to center himself. I sighed, wondering if this was going to take longer than the two weeks Alice had envisioned initially. "She was thinking very loudly."

I nodded, but did not question him further. I had no desire to know what the woman had been thinking, if he'd even been able to make out her thoughts clearly. No doubt they were either very rude or very lewd. Or a combination of both.

One of the stewardesses met us at the door to the plane and showed us to our seats - First Class, of course. Alice would settle for nothing less. Alice and Jasper sat in the two seats directly behind Edward and I. Edward sat next to the window with the shade pulled down. Lucky for us, the sky was cloudy, and would be for the duration of our trip. Alice could see that much.

After refusing any food, drink or hot towels and buckling my seatbelt for take-off, I returned my eyes to Edward. He _hadn't _put on his seatbelt, so I awkwardly did it for him, knowing that the flight attendant wouldn't take "he's indestructible" for an answer. That, however, was the least of our problems, I realized. Edward's face was distorted in such a way that suggested physical pain, something I'd never really seen on him before. It disturbed me.

"It's the pressure," Jasper explained, sensing my alarm. "They just sealed the cabin. We have...heightened senses. Airplanes are rather uncomfortable for us. It's only going to get worse."

"Great," I sighed. I took Edward's hand and stroked his skin in what I hoped was a soothing manner. He closed his eyes, and seemed content until we took off and started gaining altitude. Then he scrunched his face up in discomfort and pressed his head hard against the wall beside him - hard enough to crack the plastic.

"Edward," I said quickly, knowing I needed to intervene before he went right through the plane. But this was actual, physical pain for Edward - exacerbated, clearly, by his current problems, but not caused by them. He needed a distraction.

"Edward, will you do something for me?" I asked, waiting for him to look at me with his wide, golden eyes. "Will you hum a song for me? Any song. Just focus on the music."

He frowned and looked a little puzzled by the request, but he started humming. Right away I recognized the strains of my lullaby. I shut my eyes tightly and turned my head, lest he see how my heart was breaking. Why did he have to choose that melody? And why hadn't I anticipated the possibility when I asked?

"Bella?" he whispered after the first time through. "Do you want me to stop?"

I turned my face back to him and forced a bright smile. "No, keep going. Hum me something else now. Please?"

Edward slipped into some other composition, and only then did I feel Jasper shooting drugging waves of calm my way. I relaxed into my seat, but I shot the two vampires behind me a glare anyway.

Alice just smiled, but it was a kind smile. "Ease up a little, Bella," she told me. "This isn't going to end as badly as you think."

"You can't know that," I whispered back to her. Edward's humming faltered, and I squeezed his hand to signal him to continue. "You can't see him right now."

"This isn't my visions talking, Bella," Alice said. "Just instinct."

"Instinct, she says," I grumbled. I leaned my head back against the seat, closing my eyes and trying to focus on nothing but Edward's humming. The situation was rather ironic, really - I was focusing on Edward's voice, while he was focusing on me, both of us trying to stay sane, if in different capacities. I sighed. We were a _disaster._

Jasper groaned, "Bella." I opened my eyes and jumped, startled to see his head peeking at me from between the seats. "I know this is difficult, but feeling sorry for yourself is not going to make things any better." His voice was gentle and soothing, not meant to scold me, but I still blushed, staring down at my lap. I played with a frayed thread on the edge of my shirt.

"Sorry, Jasper," I muttered. He was right, of course. Bringing myself down was going to get me nowhere. No matter what happened, I had to stay strong. For Edward.

Edward squeezed my hand and kept humming quietly, this time to the tune of Claire de Lune. I smiled and closed my eyes again. I didn't realize I'd dozed off until I heard whispers behind me.

"Shouldn't we wake her?"

Alice shushed him. "Not yet. Wait."

My eyelids fluttered open only when I felt a hand caressing my face. I was unsurprised to see Edward staring down at me. I smiled at him. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I like watching you sleep," he said quietly.

I held his hand against my cheek, struggling to keep the smile on my face. His words were a shadow of the old Edward, which was a double-edged sword - the reminder made my heart ache, but I was thrilled to see him already slowly returning to himself.

"We're about to land," Alice told me, leaning her arms on the top of my seat. "Carlisle already rented a car for us, and it's about a half hour drive to the docks."

Edward's face was pained again as we made our final descent, but once the cabin doors opened again, he seemed fine. Going into the airport was another story. Edward froze in the tunnel off the plane, probably the moment the wave of thoughts hit him. Jasper had to subtly restrain him from running back onto the plane, and I had to talk him down from his panic.

Getting through customs was nearly impossible with Edward so unresponsive. Alice told the person - in perfect Portuguese - that Edward was a deaf-mute. Edward was muttering to himself, so I don't think she believed Alice for a second, but she was eventually convinced to let him through.

I sat with Edward on an out-of-the-way bench while Alice and Jasper went to baggage claim.

"It's so _loud_," he whimpered. I could understand why he was overwhelmed. This airport was huge compared to the one in Alaska, and he could barely handle his family's thoughts.

His hands were over his face, shaking. I gently tried to pry them away, but he was resisting. "Edward, focus on me, remember? It'll be quiet again."

Edward shook his head, eyes shut tight beneath his tense hands.

"Come on, Edward, focus on my voice. I'm right here. Look at me," I pleaded, still tugging on his wrists. He finally relented, dropping his hands to his lap, and opened his eyes.

"You with me?" I asked, holding eye contact. "We'll be out of here soon. All alone. No more thoughts. It's going to be okay."

He nodded slowly, looking at me so intensely that, under other circumstances, I would have been embarrassed. "You have a new freckle," he told me, frowning. "Right here..." His index finger touched a spot beneath my left ear.

"Well, that happens...people get freckles," I said, puzzled.

Still, he kept tracing the spot, frowning to himself...making my heart pound faster than it had any right to these days.

"We're all...set," Alice's voice faltered as she took the two of us in, me still as a statue trying to calm my racing heart, Edward with his hand still moving in nonsense patterns against my neck. I don't think she'd been expecting to find the two of us in such a position. I certainly hadn't been.

Jasper coughed, dispelling some of the tension and putting all of us at ease. My bag was slung across his shoulder, and he was carrying both his and Edward's suitcases in his hands. I wondered if anyone would question how one person could carry so much weight and not look at all strained.

"The car is already out front," he said, turning towards the doors. I stood up, and Edward's hand fell from my neck. I missed his touch instantly. I took his hand in mine and followed Jasper, who rolled his eyes as soon as he saw the car Alice had Carlisle pick out.

"A yellow Porsche," he said, astonished. He turned to Alice, a look somewhere between amused and annoyed on his face. "Alice, really."

"If we're going to travel, we might as well do so in style." Jasper rolled his eyes as Alice grinned, dropping her bags at Jasper's feet and jumping in the driver's seat.

Jasper struggled to make the luggage fit in the small trunk, grumbling something about style being undersized. Alice, naturally, ignored him.

Edward and I were squished into the very limited backseat, under the rationale that I couldn't keep him calm from the front seat. I had my doubts about that conclusion, but I went along with it anyway.

Edward did much better in the car. Alice's crazy driving (crazier than Edward's, if possible) had us moving so fast that I doubt he could catch many thoughts before they fell out of range.

Alice made the supposed half-hour drive to the docks in twenty. She led the way to a rather hi-tech looking speedboat tied up in the nicer end of the docks. I wasn't a big fan of boats - I'd only ever been on them fishing with Charlie, and I'd fallen out a few times.

Alice danced on board, immediately taking the wheel. It didn't surprise me that she was as eager to drive the boat as she was the Porsche. Jasper followed easily with all of the luggage, but I hung back, very aware of the small gap between the dock. It was only a few inches, but I knew my own clumsiness very well.

Suddenly, two hands grabbed me by the waist and lifted me into the boat. I gasped, landing on my feet, and turned to find Edward hopping in behind me. He smiled almost shyly.

"Thank you," I managed.

"You're welcome," he murmured quietly. He sat down and slowly reached out his hand. I weaved his fingers through mine and carefully maneuvered my way over, sitting beside him. As soon as I was seated, Alice pulled away from the docks. Jasper was standing behind her, perfectly balanced. I probably would have fallen straight out of the boat had I tried standing while we were moving at this speed.

The farther away from the mainland we moved, the more Edward seemed to relax. His grip on my hand loosened, and the tightness to his shoulders that had been there since I'd first seen him back in Alaska eased.

Alice giggled and my eyes were drawn to where Jasper was standing with his hand around her waist, whispering something in her ear. I watched them, envious. They made their relationship look so easy, so perfect even if it wasn't. I glanced at Edward, wondering if I would ever have that kind of love again.

Edward looked down at me and smiled. He brushed his thumb against my cheek and held my gaze. I swallowed, heart racing as his fingers traced along my face.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him, confused by the tenderness in his eyes. This was a strange role-reversal, for me to so desperately want to know what was going through his head.

"I missed you," he said softly, just as his thumb brushed over my lips. My heart jerked into a panicked gallop. "I thought I would never see you again..."

"But you're the one who left," I said in spite of myself. The words tumbled out against my will. "You didn't have to go if you were going to miss me..."

I didn't realize I was crying until Edward's fingers swiped the tears away. "Oh, Bella, don't you see? I did. I _had_ to go..."

Before I could argue or move away, Edward had me locked in his iron grip, clutched to his chest so tightly that I couldn't move an inch. And I cried, because it didn't matter how much he missed me; he still didn't love me. I knew, down to my bones, the thing I'd been denying since he'd gone away - that nothing would ever be right if Edward didn't love me.

"We're here," Alice said after a few minutes, and the boat came to a stop. I was glad for it, because Edward had to let go of me. Still, it was his hands that helped me out of the boat and onto the dock. I didn't know if I could do this. Would he be touching me like this the whole time, constantly reminding me of what was lost?

"Come on, Bella," Alice said, steering me toward the large house set back from the beach; I was too anxious to fully appreciate it. Jasper was left to take care of Edward and the luggage both.

"Look, don't worry so much," Alice whispered. "I know things seem a certain way to you right now, but appearances can be deceiving."

I shook my head and sighed. "What are you getting at, Alice?"

She pursed her lips in a frown. "All I'm saying, Bella, is that situations look different depending upon the perspective. I think you should consider the few days before we left from Edward's perspective. You might find...things aren't as clear-cut as they seem."

I swallowed heavily past the dread welling up in my chest. "I don't...I don't know if I _can_, Alice...I don't know if I can do any of this..."

"You can and you will," Alice said, walking me onto the front porch and through the doors. Her voice held a sense of finality I wasn't sure I was comfortable with considering she could no longer see Edward's future with or without me, as the case could be.

The entire house was decorated in shades of whites, similar enough to the Cullen home in Forks I was sure that, given time, I would probably feel comfortable. Jasper had set our suitcases down in a large bedroom, the centerpiece of which was a huge, white bed. I swallowed, realizing that this was the only bedroom in the house - not that Edward would consent to sleep anywhere but next to me in his current state.

Thinking about Edward made me turn, wondering why he wasn't in his usual place, stuck to my side.

"Jasper is keeping an eye on him," Alice said, knowing my question before I asked. "He thought you might want a few minutes to yourself after your breakdown in the boat." I flushed, only now realizing that I'd had more than one witness to my crying jag. "He's sitting in the living room."

I nodded and walked over to the far wall, which was made mostly of glass. I watched the sun set over the ocean, wrapping my arms around myself and wondering at Alice's words while she unpacked at record speed. How could things have been any different than what they seemed? Edward clung to me because right now, he needed me, but in the end... I shivered.

"You're all set, Bella." I turned as Jasper entered the room. "There's food in the cabinets and refrigerator," he frowned. "I hope I put everything where it's supposed to be."

Alice giggled at the confused look on his face, standing from where she had just finished shoving my now empty duffel bag into the closet. "I'm sure you managed." She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm going to go say goodbye to Edward." She practically danced out of the room.

The thought of them leaving made my heart plummet to my feet. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately felt myself calm. "Alice is right, you know. Everything is going to work out."

I smiled at him wryly. "Did you suddenly inherit her gift of foresight?"

He laughed. "Let's just say emotions don't lie as well as people can. If you could feel what I felt," he shook his head, "Bella, you wouldn't have any doubts, even now."

He dropped his hand from my shoulder, leaving me quite confused in his wake. I was still staring after him when Alice threw her arms around my waist with enthusiasm, knocking all of the wind out of me.

"Oof - Jeez, Alice, knock me over why don't you."

"I'm a bit more careful than that, thank you very much," she quipped, squeezing me gently to prove her point. "Remember we're only a phone call away if you need us."

"Technically, you're also a boat ride away," I said smirking.

She narrowed her eyes, but I could see her lips twitching. "I'm trying to be sweet, and you're getting smart. And to think, I'm actually going to miss this."

I sighed. "I'll miss you, too." I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting past the tears suddenly welling up in my eyes. "Bye, Alice"

"Bye, Bella." She kissed my cheek. "And no crying. Remember - no worrying, everything fine." She smiled, and I followed her as she joined Jasper out on the porch. I watched them as they crossed the beach, until they were out of sight.

"Bella?" I closed my eyes at the sound of Edward's voice from the couch. We were finally alone - _really_ alone. Now came the hard part.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 5)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

I forced my face into a calm expression as I turned around. "Yes, Edward?"

"You're sad," he said softly, moving too fast to stand before me that I hadn't even seen him get up. "You were crying on the boat, and you're sad now. What's the matter, Bella?"

"Nothing important," I lied. "I'm fine. You, on the other hand, are not fine, and that's why we're here," I said, changing the subject.

Edward frowned down at me. "But I don't want to get better."

Great, just what I needed - an uncooperative patient. "Why not, Edward? You can't go on unable to control the thoughts you're hearing forever. You'll be miserable."

"It's quiet here," he said, eyes pleading with me...but for what? "If I get better, you'll go away...I don't want you to go away."

Damn it, why did he have to say things like that? Once he was thinking clearly again, he would be saying something else, and it would hurt all the more. "Why do you think I'll go away, Edward?"

"Because you're not real," he said, his voice low and strained. "She told me you were dead."

I gaped. He thought I was still dead? "No, Edward, I'm alive." I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest. "Can't you feel my heart beating? Don't you feel how warm I am? I'm alive."

Edward shook his head, unconvinced. "It's just my imagination; I'm seeing things and feeling things that aren't real, but I don't want to stop...not if it's the only way..."

"Edward, hush," I murmured as soothingly as I could. "I won't go anywhere unless you want me to."

"Promise me," he begged, stepping even closer, close enough that our bodies brushed against one another. "Promise me you won't leave me."

"I promise," I said, trapped by the force of his eyes. "I won't leave, not until you ask me to."

Edward stared at me for a moment longer; then, he shuddered and nodded his head slowly. "Okay," he whispered, though I wasn't sure he was entirely convinced.

I smiled at him encouragingly. "Okay." My stomach growled, reminding me that at least one of us needed to eat tonight. I'd been too anxious to force down the terrible plane food, despite Alice's attempts to coax me, and it had been a long time since Esme's eggs and bacon.

I took a step backwards and reached behind me, closing the front door. "I have to go make myself dinner," I said, heading towards the kitchen. Edward followed and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs, folding his hands on the table. I tried to ignore the way his eyes followed my every movement across the room as I checked out the cupboards and the fridge. I frowned, realizing Alice had only bought enough food for about a week. I wondered if she'd done that on purpose, so she would have an excuse to come visit and see how things were going with Edward - maybe even test the waters a bit when it came to progress with his power. I would have to call her and find out.

Speaking of phone calls... I chose something easy - a can of soup I emptied into a pot and placed on the stove. I pulled out my phone and turned to Edward. "I need to go call Charlie," I hated having to spell out my every move to him, but I didn't have much choice - I knew he would follow me otherwise. "Will you wait here for me?"

Edward was hesitant to answer, but eventually, he nodded.

"I'll be right back," I told him over my shoulder as I hastily made my way to the bedroom, already dialing Charlie's number. I made the call as short as possible, letting Charlie know that I was okay and dealing with things. I told him I'd keep calling, and not to worry about me. Charlie still didn't seem completely convinced that I was in Jacksonville, but he didn't question me. He only asked that I come home as soon as I could.

"I will, I promise," I said, choking up. I wanted to get off of the phone before I started crying in earnest - I'd done enough of that today. "I'm sorry, Dad, I have to go. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah," his gruff tone told me I wasn't the only one having a hard time dealing with my abrupt departure, and again, I felt guilty. "Bye, Bells."

I hung up the phone, taking a few deep breaths to compose myself before I went back out to the kitchen. I didn't want Edward to see me upset yet again.

Edward was drumming his fingers on the table nervously as I entered the room. His entire face lit up when he spotted me. "Hi," he said, his lips turning up into that familiar crooked smile I loved so much. My chest ached to see it.

I reached deep down inside myself to find the strength to smile back. "Hi."

"Your food was burning," he said, his smile slipping a bit. "I think I turned it off."

"Gah!" I rushed to the stove, to find that yes, Edward had saved us by turning off the stove and not allowing the house to burn down, but he'd not been in time to save my dinner. What had once been soup was now congealed, brown sludge. I sighed, throwing the pot in the sink and running it under water, then reaching in the cabinet for the nearest cereal box and a bowl. At least cereal was easy. And I wouldn't be able to send the house down in flames.

When I sat down at the table with my milk-doused cereal, Edward was scowling at me.

"What?" I asked, confused again. I didn't understand his moods anymore. ...Okay, I'd never really understood his moods, but at least his explanations had made sense before.

"You need to eat more than cereal, Bella," he chided.

I sighed. I really didn't want to cook anything. "I'm the human, Edward. I know how to feed myself."

He tutted at me like an old hen before flitting to the fridge.

"How does chicken sound?" he asked, pulling out a package. He didn't wait for me to answer before he started pulling out other things, too quickly for me to see.

"Edward, really, you don't have to cook for me," I sighed, shaking my head.

He stopped in his dash around the kitchen to stare intently at me. "But I need to take care of you, Bella."

I swallowed heavily, uncomfortably. "Why?"

"Because it was the one thing I tried to do, and I failed you, Bella," he said, rushing through the words. "It was all I was ever supposed to do, and now you're - now you're -"

"Edward..." I began carefully, "I told you before, I'm fine. I'm alive and well. I understand that you feel guilty about what you think happened to me, but nothing did happen, and even so, it...it wouldn't be your fault."

His face was the picture of agony. "It is...it is my fault. It's all my fault."

I could tell I wasn't going to convince him of anything tonight. I wanted to yell and scream at him, or pull him into my arms and kiss him like I used to, but neither of those things were possible right now.

I stood up and slowly approached him. Then, gauging his reaction, I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist.

Edward clung to me and he buried his face in my hair. "See, Edward?" I murmured. "I'm right here."

"Stay," he whispered, and I sighed. I was suddenly exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I didn't want to eat anything. I wanted to go to bed, but I knew Edward wouldn't let me get away with not eating in the mood he was in.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told him gently. He held me a few moments longer, and then moved back to the stove to cook for me in silence. I ran a hand through my hair and dropped back into my chair. If his reaction to me _eating cereal_ was an indicator for what his mood would be like for the remainder of our time here...

It was going to be a long two weeks.

Edward loaded me with more food that night than I'd normally eat in a day, but I was too tired to argue with him about it, and he was a wonderful cook, as cosmically unfair as that was, so it wasn't really a hardship.

With the food in my stomach adding a heavy feeling to my exhaustion, I could barely change into my pajamas and brush my teeth before I fell into bed. Edward, of course, was right there waiting. He started humming to me again and playing with my hair, and that kept me awake a little longer than I should have been. Still, the sound was soothing, in spite of the pain it laced through my heart, and soon I was fast asleep.

I dreamed I was on the island, but the house and the dock were gone, and I couldn't find Edward. The white sandy beach was beautiful, but the tropical forest seemed to encroach closer and closer upon me, and I knew no one was coming for me...

I woke in the morning, unsettled by my dream and still more tired than I should have been. A groggy glance at the clock told me it'd been about ten hours of sleep. I shifted my attention away from that and realized there was something heavy across my torso. I twisted around under the comforter to get a better look, and I realized that it was an arm. Edward's arm. He had wrapped himself around me in my sleep like he'd used to do.

I turned fully to see his face. He smiled serenely at me.

"Good morning, Bella," he said softly, studying my face like it held all the secrets of the universe. "Did you sleep well? You talked a lot last night. You sounded scared."

"It was just a bad dream," I said, still very much aware of his arm around me and the close proximity of his body. "I slept fine."

He was still looking at me, and I knew this situation needed to be remedied. I wriggled out of his grasp and got out of the bed.

"I should take a shower," I said, and it was true. Yesterday's grime, increased from the traveling, felt thick on my skin. "Maybe you should freshen up, too. You know, change your clothes and all," I added. His clothes were extremely wrinkled, and while I didn't know how vampire hygiene worked, exactly, I didn't think days old clothes would be comfortably on anybody.

"Okay," he agreed, sitting up in one of his too-fast movements. He no longer bothered to conceal his true nature around me, and it was strange to experience.

I took a set of clothes out of the drawer - Alice had somehow, in her whirlwind unpacking spree, matched up outfits for every day I would be here - and grabbed my toiletry bag. "I'll see you in a little bit, all right?"

Edward nodded his acquiescence, though he looked lost as a small child as I shut the bathroom door behind me.

I sagged against the closed door and closed my eyes. Edward seemed to be getting more comfortable with me, which was only going to make things harder on both of us when we were apart again. But if being near to me was helping him, I wouldn't push him away - no matter how much my chest ached every time he touched me.

Throwing my clothes from the previous day into the corner hamper with gusto, I hopped into the shower. The hot water was soothing, relaxing all of my tense muscles and washing away three day's worth of dirt. By the time I turned off the water and got dressed, I was feeling lighter and ready to face the day.

Edward wasn't in the bedroom when I opened the door. I frowned, peering about the room, wondering where he could have gotten off to. I knew he wouldn't have wandered far from me. Then, the smell of bacon wafted past my nose, and my mouth watered, my stomach instantly grumbling in response. I hadn't realized I was hungry until then.

My feet carried me into the kitchen on their own, where Edward was busy preparing a feast fit for a small army, never mind one human girl. "I am never going to eat all of that," I told him with a smile.

Edward turned, and the way his face lit up at the sight of me could have rivaled the sun. My breath hitched, but I was determined not to let him see me as an emotional wreck. "I know. I just didn't want you trying to eat cereal again."

I rolled my eyes, but his smile was fading. I went to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He moved my hand to his cheek, holding it there, and sighed. "I needed something to keep me busy. While you were gone."

"Well, I'm here now," I said, trying to keep with the cheerful mood I'd found earlier. "So you can watch me stuff my face, I guess."

He grinned and turned back to the food, putting together a heaping plate. "I've always liked watching you eat."

"I'll never understand why." I could see how eating could be sensual - on beautiful girls with beautiful mouths and less than six percent body fat. I was pretty sure I just looked like a pig.

Edward placed the plate at the table, where a glass of orange juice, silverware, and a neatly folded napkin were already waiting.

"Sit," he said, pulling out the chair. I wanted to remind him that I wasn't a dog, but thought better of it and complied.

I ate, and he did watch, riveted. I paused midway through the meal and met his eyes. "Really, Edward, what is so fascinating about this?"

"It's the expressions you make," he said with a wistful smile. "When you're enjoying your food, or even when you dislike something. Your reactions are so clear. And the way your mouth moves is cute."

I shook my head. "No one else has ever found my eating remotely interesting."

"Clearly, no one has ever been as interested in you as I am," he smiled.

I didn't know what to make of that, and I wasn't sure my heart could take any closer inspection, so I did what I did best these days - I changed the subject.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked. "Being on this island won't do either of us any good if we just sit around all day, I imagine."

"I'd like to go outside," Edward said tentatively, as if I would refuse him. "It's nice to be in the sunlight."

"Of course," I agreed. "Maybe we could swim a little. The water looks beautiful." I placed my empty plate in the sink and frowned at all of the dirty pots and pans around the kitchen. This was going to take forever to clean up. I was sure Edward had used almost every pot in the pantry.

Edward followed my gaze and sensed the cause of my displeasure. "You go get changed. I'll clean up."

I knew he wasn't only offering to be helpful - it was another distraction to keep him busy while I was away. I decided not to bring this up though, and smiled gratefully. "Thanks. I'll be quick." To prove my point, I hurried to the bedroom and searched through the drawers, wondering if Alice had thought to pack my bathing suit. I was horrified by what I found.

Yes, Alice had thought to pack _a_ bathing suit, but it certainly wasn't mine. Mine was a simple, black one piece that covered most of what needed to be covered and still left me feeling uncomfortable. This would do no such thing. It was a modest, two piece bikini, white with black polka dots, probably designer and ridiculously expensive, that made me blush just looking at it. I was going to kill Alice when she showed up.

I don't know why I continued digging through the drawers - I knew my bathing suit wasn't going to be there. Sighing, I walked into the bathroom, resigning myself to the infernal contraption. I could barely look at myself in the mirror, but I forced my eyes to stay put and take in the image. I looked ridiculous in this thing. My legs were too short, my stomach just a little less than flat, my chest just a little _more_ than flat... I sighed. What had Edward ever seen in me? My stomach clenched as I wondered if he'd asked himself the same question.

I found shorts and a tank top in the drawers - Alice had clearly augmented my wardrobe, because I hadn't packed for warm weather at all - and put them on over the bikini. I knew it was an effort in vain, that I would have to take them off to get in the water, but I couldn't walk back into the kitchen in just the bikini. Not when I knew how intently Edward would be looking at me.

The kitchen was practically sparkling when I returned. Edward had cleaned up at vampire speed, and with an astonishing thoroughness. He was leaning against the counter, fidgeting, until he saw me. Thankfully, he made no comment about my attire.

"Your turn to change," I told him.

"I'll be one second," he smiled. I thought that was a figure of speech, but he was back one literal second later, wearing knee-length navy blue swim trunks and nothing else. I swallowed heavily at the inevitable sight of his perfection. Of course, he hadn't changed at all, and of course, I wanted him as badly as ever...and of course, I was still nowhere near worthy of standing next to his beauty.

"Ready to go?" He smiled, unaware of the turn my thoughts had taken.

"Sure," I said with false enthusiasm. Edward promptly took my hand and towed me outside, moving more quickly than I was really prepared for. I had hoped for a little more time to brace myself for exposure, but Edward had other ideas.

Outside, I took in the beauty of the island for the first time. I'd been too upset yesterday to appreciate it properly. Lush forest and foliage led to a pristine white beach, which in turn led to the clearest blue waters I'd ever seen. And outshining all of that was Edward with his skin glittering in the bright sunlight.

I held my breath as Edward let go of my hand and slowly walked into the water. His skin against the ocean was almost painful in its beauty. I stood mutely on the shoreline, simply watching him for a while. Edward turned to me when he was waist deep in the water and held out his hand.

I resolved myself to embarrassment and shed my shorts and my tank top with a sigh, then immersed myself in the water as quickly as possible so Edward couldn't see what I looked like. The water where he was wading was a bit deeper than I thought. I couldn't simply stand; I had to kick my legs to stay afloat. Edward watched my every movement carefully, eyes wide. He gazed at me intensely, so much that I blushed as I reached him and took his hand in mine.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I mumbled, irritated. I knew I looked terrible, and now I probably resembled a drowned rat on top of that, but he didn't have to stare at me like that to reinforce the idea.

Edward brushed my hair behind my ear, and then kept his hand against my face. "You're beautiful, Bella. I always want to look at you." My blush deepened. He sighed dejectedly, his hand dropping from my face, "I'm sorry I lost you."

I grasped his arm gently. "Edward..." I wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't convince him I was still here, in the flesh and _not_ a ghost with words. He wouldn't believe me.

I raised my hand to his cheek, and he closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. I realized, suddenly, that this was the key. This was the piece of the puzzle I was missing. Talking to Edward wasn't going to help him - not completely. I could tell him from here to next Tuesday that I forgave him, that I was alive and well and not going anywhere. He wouldn't believe me until I _showed_ him.

"Edward, open your eyes," I whispered.

Edward followed my request, and I took a deep breath for courage. I placed a hand on his shoulder, slowly leaned closer to him, and pressed my lips to his.

* * *

Want to discuss this story? Check out our thread at Twilighted, in the AU forums.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 6)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

**A/N:** We're sorry for the wait on this chapter! Unfortunately, writing with two authors can make it difficult to get things done in a timely manner - the minute one has free time, the other gets busy. Have patience!

* * *

My body had all of its usual reactions to Edward - heart hammering, nerves singing, blood boiling - and I felt tears spring to my eyes at the conflicting joy and despair warring in my chest. How could I lose this again?

For the first time, however, Edward's reaction overwhelmed mine.

His hands flew up to my face, preventing me from moving away, and his lips moved frantically, too quickly for me to keep up with and hard against mine, almost to the point of pain - but he never crossed that line. Still, he freed one hand to clutch my body to his, and only when I felt I would pass out from too much more did he release me.

His eyes were wild and erratic as I caught my breath. I noticed he breathed heavily, though it was unnecessary, and his eyes were black...with hunger, I wondered, or lust? Could he really want me that way?

"Edward?" I said softly, barely able to hear myself over the waves. "Do you believe me now? Do you feel that I'm alive?"

The doubt in his eyes said everything. I sighed.

"Swim with me, Edward," I said, drifting deeper into the water. I would think about what this meant for me, for him, for us, later...when he wasn't looking at me like that, and when my body wasn't still humming from his touch.

"Bella, would you like to ride on my back?"

I blinked at his suddenly earnest gaze. "What?"

"I can swim faster than you," he grinned. "Would you like to ride on my back?"

I laughed. "What, like a dolphin?"

"I'm faster than a dolphin," he said in all seriousness, as if he'd not heard the teasing note in my comment.

"All right," I agreed, swimming toward him. He turned around so that I could wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He ducked his head under the water... and then he started swimming.

I gasped in shock as the wind hit my face. He _was_ faster than a dolphin - more like a jet ski. My damp hair whipped around my face as he took us on a circuit around the island, allowing me to see all of its features, all of its pristine shoreline and the vibrant forest beyond. I was in awe.

We ended our tour back at the house. Edward reached behind him one-handed to help me down, and a jolt went through me as his hand met the bare skin of my hip. I jumped, and ended up half-falling, rather ungracefully, into the water. Edward's hands were there to keep me from falling the rest of the way.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

I'd frozen when his arms wrapped around my waist again. My heart pounded wildly in my chest as he helped me to a standing position. The water only came up to my shins. I could walk back to shore.

"Fine," I said, a bit breathlessly. I pulled out of his arms, needing a clear head - having him so close clouded my thoughts. All I wanted to do was kiss him again.

A look of rejection passed over Edward's face, but it was gone when I stretched my hand out so we could walk back to the house together. I paused when we reached the shore to pick up my earlier discarded clothing, Edward's fingers still firmly entwined with mine. We entered the house through the door in the bedroom, and Edward frowned immediately, eyes darting from one corner of the room to another as if looking for something.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, squeezing his hand. He looked nervous.

"Something's beeping," he responded, letting go of my hand and following the sound into the other room. He came back a moment later with the cell phone Alice had given me.

"I must have a message," I said. I dialed my voicemail and waited for the prompt to enter my pin.

_*You have one new message.* Hey, Bella, it's Alice. Call me when you get a second. I think we need to have a discussion about your methods._

I froze. So Alice had seen something... but she hadn't been able to see Edward before. Did this mean she could see him now?

"Edward, why don't you change while I call Alice back?" I suggested, knowing I wouldn't even be able to hit "send" before he was done.

"Okay," he agreed, shooting a too-quick glance at the phone. "I'll...give you some privacy."

"Thank you," I said gratefully. I really didn't want to discuss what I was doing with him in the room... granted, he could probably hear from wherever he was in the house, but maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't catch enough to realize just why I'd kissed him today.

I pulled up Alice's number and hit the dial button. She picked up before the first ring was finished.

"Bella."

"Hi, Alice," I sighed. I wanted to sit down, but I was still damp, and I didn't want to ruin the perfect furniture. "What did you see?"

"Not much," Alice said quickly. "Edward's still fuzzy, but I can see a little bit now."

"That's good, right?" I said, even though it didn't feel good, for some reason. Maybe I didn't want Edward to get better, either.... "That means he's improving."

"Yes," Alice said. "But what I'm seeing... Bella, what you're trying to do might be too much for him."

"What do you mean?"

Alice sighed over the line. "He's not being as gentle with you as he should, and he hasn't been feeding like he should. What Carlisle and Jasper got him to drink before we left wasn't enough. Sometimes... sometimes the visions don't end so well for you."

I swallowed heavily, knowing without her visions that this was a possibility. It had always been a possibility. "Alice, he would never hurt me. And this is the only thing that's working. It has to work out."

"It might," Alice said reluctantly. "Just be very careful, Bella. Promise me."

"I will," I promised. But I would also do what I had to do to bring my Edward back. Even if he wouldn't be mine anymore.

"I'll be checking in soon," Alice said. "Bye, Bella."

I hung up the phone, and Edward was suddenly there, four feet away from me.

"Is everything okay, Bella?" he asked with eyes full of concern. Dark eyes.

I forced a smile. "Everything is fine."

Edward didn't seem too convinced. He raised his hand to my face and stroked my cheek. "What's wrong?" His dark eyes burned, and I couldn't look away from them. I found myself unconsciously stepping closer.

I don't think he meant to manipulate me into telling him - Edward always wanted me to be happy, but I don't think this Edward had any sense whatsoever of how to "dazzle" me into doing what he wanted.

"Alice is just worried about us, that's all," I told him, still caught in his gaze. "She wanted to make sure everything was all right."

Edward examined my face for a few moments. I think he was trying to gauge my sincerity. Then, he sighed, never once dropping his hand. His fingers were still moving in slow circles across my skin. They were quite distracting.

"I wish you would tell me everything," he dropped his eyes and whispered, "Like you used to."

My heart sank. I could tell what he was thinking - that I was a ghost and I was going to disappear at any moment, slip through his fingers like smoke. I wanted to wipe the fear from his eyes. I didn't want to be the one hurting him.

Heedless of my wet clothes - and of Alice's warnings - I closed the distance between us and kissed him. Edward responded with the same vigor as before, and I gasped as his hands clung tightly to my waist, bordering on the point of pain. One hand slipped up to tangle in my hair, and I clutched at his shoulders, pulling him even closer. His lips moved insistently against mine, and when he let go, I was breathless, my heart pounding furiously in my chest.

Edward wore a pained expression as he looked at me. "I wish..."

"What?" I asked, my hands still on his shoulders. "What do you wish?"

"That I could turn back time," he sighed. "I wish I had never left you."

I trembled. Would he feel the same if he thought I was still alive? If he were in his right mind?

"You don't have to turn back time," I told him, wondering if the message would ever get through. "I'm right here, now."

His eyes were deep, fathomless, unreadable. And then he leaned in and initiated a kiss for the first time since we'd been reunited. It was soft and tentative, and filled me with such a cascade of emotions that I wanted to weep.

He was gone before I caught up with him. "You should change," he told me.

I blinked my eyes open, instinctively displeased with the two-foot distance now between us.

"You're shivering," he pointed out, and I realized it was true. Being in a damp bikini didn't mesh so well with Edward's cold body.

"Right...I'll be right back," I said, and went into the bathroom to change back into my clothes.

I suggested we watch movies for the rest of the day. Focusing some attention on something other than me, I thought, would be good for him. Of course, it didn't work. Through three whole movies, every time I looked up, he was watching me.

When my stomach started grumbling, we went to the kitchen. I convinced Edward to let me make my own dinner tonight; I didn't like him exerting so much effort to take care of me.

After a shower to wash the seawater off and out of my hair, I crawled into bed with Edward climbing in right beside me.

"Bella?" My heart jumped at his low, soft voice.

"Yes?"

"Can I hold you?"

My response stuck in my throat, so I nodded. His arms curled around me, pulling me to his chest. Looking into his eyes as they glinted in the darkness, I couldn't help myself. I kissed him again. Now that the door was open, I couldn't seem to close it again, and I was beginning to think I should be enjoying this as much as I could before we parted... if this was the last I would ever have of him.

Edward responded eagerly, nudging me onto my back, his weight hovering over me. His lips pushed against mine, and I felt the shocking touch of his tongue to them. I gave him entrance with a gasp. This had always been off-limits. I guessed he wasn't too worried about the repercussions right now. I wasn't either.

His tongue against mine had to be the most erotic thing I'd ever felt.

The kiss turned languid, and it went on and on. I was drugged on his taste, his scent, his everything. I didn't want to stop, ever, but he eventually pulled away.

"You need to sleep," he said gently. He moved onto his side and pulled me to him again. In spite of my stuttering heart, I fell asleep quickly.

I dreamed I was running through a forest. It looked like the forest on the island, but it was night, and so dark, I could barely see my hand in front of me. I tripped over a tree root and almost went sprawling to the ground, but was somehow able to keep my balance.

"Edward?" I called. "Edward!" Somehow, I knew he was looking for me, but I couldn't find him. I was so tired, but I couldn't stop moving.

"Edward!" I yelled again. I received no answer. My heart pounded in my chest. I was terrified I would never find him at all.

"Bella," a voice whispered in my ear, reaching into my dream world. I stopped moving and turned around. "Bella!"

Edward shook me gently by my shoulders and my eyes snapped open. I was breathing hard and my heartbeat was erratic. The sheets were tangled around my legs, as if I'd been rolling around in my sleep.

"What happened?" My dream was already fading; I could barely grasp the pictures from the back of my mind.

"You were having a nightmare," Edward's voice was quiet, and he ran his hands over my face and down my neck as if to remind himself that I was there. I shivered at the feel of his cold hands on my skin. "You were calling out to me. You sounded so afraid."

"It was just a dream," I whispered, letting him hold me closer.

"Yes," Edward said, "Just a dream." Then he kissed me, softly, trying to comfort _me_, and the swell of emotion caught in my throat. I couldn't speak, and I didn't want to cry again, so I kissed him back.

"Don't be sad," he murmured against my mouth, holding me close. "I don't want you to be sad anymore."

He rained gentle kisses over my face until I finally fell back to sleep.

The next few days went by in much the same manner. I'd wake up, and over breakfast, Edward and I would discuss what he wanted to do over the course of the day. We'd go swimming or walk leisurely around the island, or spend the day watching movies. There was even one day we spent inside, where Edward insisted on me answering a million questions just because he wanted to hear my voice. It felt like the first days of our relationship, when we were just beginning to feel each other out - except for the kissing between questions.

This Edward was much bolder than my Edward ever was, and a lot more willing to go further than we ever had before. Alice's warning faded into the background as his lips pressed against mine and his hands wandered my body. He seemed perfectly in control, besides holding me too tightly some of the time - how could anything go wrong?

In spite of everything, I realized my strategy wasn't quite working. Every now and then, Edward would say something that hinted at his continued reluctance to believe I was real. I didn't understand how he could persist in his delusion so strongly, when he could feel me alive and breathing, but he always had been unreasonably stubborn.

Would I have to escalate my plans? I couldn't think of any other way to break through to him - logic simply wouldn't work on an illogical mind, and physical contact was still the only thing he had really responded to. But how far would I have to take this?

I told Edward I was going to bed early that night, although I wasn't actually tired. I just needed more time to work with him. We got into bed and he immediately spooned his body against mine, curling protectively around me. I turned in his arms to face him.

"Edward?" It was dark, but his skin was so white, it glowed faintly against the blackness.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I want you to kiss me."

He didn't question or protest, just gave me what I asked. I pulled myself to him and deepened the kiss, molding my body to his. He responded with a primal growl.

"Touch me, Edward," I demanded between kisses.

He groaned and his hands moved from their position on my waist up the lines of my body, making broad paths over my hips and my back, down to my thighs, up to my breasts. I gasped as his thumb brushed a circle around my nipple.

"Bella, Bella," he mumbled against my lips. "You don't know how badly I've wanted this, how long...always had to hold back..."

I shut my eyes tight at the reminder of my human frailty. Of course he'd grown tired of me, having to be constantly careful with me...

"Mmm, Bella..." His hands were grew bolder, tugging at my nightshirt until it tore apart down the front. Then he palmed my bare breasts, still kissing me as if his life depended on it.

Part of me knew we should stop. Edward's hands were getting less and less gentle - not hurting me, but certainly not restrained as he usually was - and his kisses were almost rough. Another part of me, that part that had ridden motorcycles and jumped off of cliffs, felt that it would rather die being touched this way than live one hundred years without it.

That part won - hands down.

So, I closed my eyes and just _felt_ when his lips closed around one nipple and sucked gently. I moaned encouragement when his fingers slipped inside my underwear and touched me intimately. I felt alive again.

He didn't stop, and I floated on a cloud of bliss. This was supposed to be for him, but I felt like he was slowly driving me toward a place where I could stand to exist again. It was building and building.

I felt like he wanted me.

"Oh, Bella, Bella..."

His fingers rocked firmly against me, into me, and my world erupted into stars and ecstasy.

As I rode the wave that crested and crashed again and again onto the shore, I heard his voice near my ear.

"I love you, Bella."

My eyes snapped open and then I felt a sharp pain in my neck.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm repeating the A/N for the half of you that probably skipped it at the beginning. We're sorry for the wait on this chapter! Unfortunately, writing with two authors can make it difficult to get things done in a timely manner - the minute one has free time, the other gets busy. Have patience!


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 7)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

I gasped at the feel of Edward's teeth against my throat. There was always the chance that this would happen if we got too close; the threat hung in the air. I knew the risks I took getting physically close with Edward. I'd seen how hungry he was, his black eyes, the dark, purple circles lining them. He was thirsty, and I was _there._

The sound of my gasp seemed to snap Edward back to reality, because he pulled away from me quickly, a look of horror crossing his face. "Oh God... Bella..." Edward's arms wrapped around me, folding me against his chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he murmured against my ear.

There was an awareness in his eyes that hadn't been there before, as if the sight of me writhing in pain had brought him back to himself, and made him realize that I wasn't just a hallucination - that I was real, and flesh, and _here._

The pain that shot through me was excruciating and immediate, and I bit my lip against the scream that was rising past my throat. I was momentarily distracted by the sound of the bedroom door banging open, the doorknob crashing against the wall so hard I was sure there would be a hole.

I could barely make out Alice's face through vision gone hazy with agony. She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. "Edward, _what did you do?"_

"I didn't mean to," Edward's voice was hoarse, his face pressed against my hair. "It just happened - _what was I thinking?"_ He moaned.

His cold skin was a balm for the pain, but he was holding me too tightly - his grip, combined with the fire burning through my skin and bones made me involuntarily whimper. Edward released me gently but quickly, as if the fire had scalded _him._

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to focus on what was going on around me - anything but the fire wracking my body. I was hot, but I shivered, feeling like the flesh was being torn from my bones. This was so much worse than that small bite on my hand from James.

The voices in the room faded to a dull murmur, all of them blurring together, until a resounding crack echoed throughout the room. I willed my eyes open to see tiny Alice with her fists clenched, eyes glittering with rage, Edward pressing a hand to his cheek where she must have slapped him, Jasper with his hand on either of their shoulders.

"You listen to me, Edward Cullen," she said fiercely, her entire body practically humming with fury. "I understand this isn't how you wanted things to happen, that this is the last thing you wanted for Bella, but _Bella_ needs you now. This is happening whether you like it or not."

Everything faded back to a red haze after that. At some point - was it seconds, minutes, hours later? - I felt a cool hand grasp mine. I gripped it with all the force I had and used it as an anchor against the waves of searing pain. That hand was my anchor to the world.

Other cool hands came and went - touching my forehead, my arms, my other hand. I clenched my jaw as tightly as I had closed my hands and formed a dam against all the sounds that wanted to rush out. I couldn't keep them all inside, but it was absolutely essential - for some reason I couldn't remember, but it _was_ - that I not scream.

I knew it was only days later, though it felt like months, when the pain finally began to recede, millimeter by millimeter. My fingers and toes were eventually pain free. That was a relief, and I concentrated on that with all my power. The pain retreated up my arms, up my legs...but now it was growing in my torso, in my chest. Was I dying? Was this what it felt like?

The pain left my head, my shoulders, my hips...oh, but my chest was surely going to explode. I couldn't catch my breath. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of control. I could _hear_ it. I whimpered.

"It's almost over," a voice said. I knew that voice. I had to keep that voice...I needed it. It needed me.

But I couldn't focus anymore, not on anything but the unbearable pressure. My heart would burst. I could feel it. Oh, God.

Then, with one final, agonizing, writhing stroke of pain...it was gone.

It took me a moment to register that I was actually fine. I kept waiting for the pain to return, but it didn't. I wiggled my fingers, my toes. No pain. I took a deep breath. No pain. I cracked open my eyes. It was dark, but I could see. How strange.

"Bella?"

I turned my head towards the voice that said my name - the one that had anchored me through the worst of the pain of my transformation. _Edward._ His black eyes were wary, seeming to be gauging my initial reactions.

I sat up slowly; a hand shot out from behind me for support, helping ease me into a sitting position. I gazed around the room, wondering at how different everything looked through my new eyes - colors were so much more vibrant, taking on tones and textures I'd never noticed before. The sheets felt so much softer against my skin. I shifted a bit and my fingers snagged against a rip in the fabric. My eyebrows furrowed.

"You were tearing at the sheets," Edward said quietly, his fingers brushing against mine sending a jolt through me. The sensation was so much stronger now. "Alice had to hold your hands down so you didn't hurt yourself." Only then did I realize that the hand still pressed against my back belonged to Alice. She and Jasper were staring at me, seeming to be waiting for a specific reaction.

"Oh," I said quietly, startled at the sound of my own voice. I sounded like myself, but still different, my tone slightly higher and richer. My throat felt scratchy. A dull ache was forming in the back of my throat, slowly beginning to turn into something much harder to ignore. I forced down the panic I felt rising with the burning sensation. I was _thirsty._

An easy calm washed over me, and while the flames in my throat did not subside, I felt my tense muscles relax, just slightly. "Edward, you need to take her hunting. Now," Jasper murmured.

Edward nodded solemnly and tugged lightly on my hand. I moved to get off the bed and startled myself with the speed with which I was on my feet. That...would take some getting used to.

"We can't take you off the island yet, I'm afraid," Edward told me, avoiding my eyes as he led me outside. "There should be enough game on the island to satisfy you, though. Plenty of wild boar."

"Boar?" I grimaced. Of course, I'd always known what my diet would consist of, if Edward changed me, but the possibility had seemed distant.

"I know it sounds bad," Edward said with a rueful smile, "but if you're thirsty enough, you don't even notice what you're drinking from."

He cut off with a wince, turning his head away from me. I thought over his statement and realized what the problem was.

"Edward, it was an accident."

He laughed harshly, cynically. "A paper cut is an accident, Bella. I _took your life_."

I thought about commenting on the irony of that statement, but reconsidered after taking one glance at his face. Thirst was the furthest thing from my mind as I studied his tortured expression, his hunched shoulders. Textbook guilt.

"You weren't in your right mind."

He gave me a long, enigmatic look before taking my hand again and leading me into the trees. "Come on. We need to get you fed."

I sighed and followed along apprehensively. I found walking through the forest much easier now that I was a vampire. No more tripping over roots or hitting my head on low-hanging branches. My heightened senses picked up on those things well in advance.

I knew there were other aspects to consider about my new existence, but I couldn't bring myself to think of them yet. The answers were sure to be unpleasant.

Edward held out his arm, preventing me from walking any further. I looked at him quizzically.

"Do you smell that?"

I was about to say no, when a scent assaulted my senses. It wasn't at all appetizing - my nose wrinkled in response - but the burn in my throat roared to life nonetheless.

"How will I know what to do?" I asked him, suddenly terrified that I would be a horrible vampire, as clumsy now as I was when I was a human, despite the fact that we'd already walked at least half a mile deep into the woods and I hadn't tripped over myself or any part of the landscape once.

"It's instinct, Bella," Edward said gently, "Don't think."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting the smell of the boar overtake my senses before I took off running. I felt like my feet were barely touching the ground. No wonder Edward ran everywhere - the wind in my hair and the feel of the cool breeze against my face was exhilarating.

The herd scattered, but I was too quick for them. I pounced, dragging one to the ground, the bones of his neck cracking beneath my fingers before my teeth sunk into his throat. I cringed - the blood tasted terrible, yet I could already feel the flames in the back of my throat fading away.

I killed five more boars before I finally felt at least somewhat sated - there was still a slight tickle at the back of my throat, but I didn't think that was ever going to go away. I looked up and Edward was running. I'd seen him run full-speed before, of course, but my human eyes had always missed the exact movements, had only seen him at the start and end, and I'd never been allowed to watch him hunt. Now that I could observe him in between, he was truly a sight to behold.

Edward was every bit as graceful and deadly when he hunted as the mountain lions that he favored. He struck without mercy, his hands deftly snapping the boars' necks before his teeth tore into their throats. I couldn't stop staring, not even as he finally raised his head, eyes meeting mine from across the clearing.

Edward stood and cleared his throat. "We're going to need to get you a change of clothes."

I frowned, staring down at myself and groaned. There were bloodstains all across the front of my shirt, and some on my hands. I looked like someone out of a macabre horror film.

I sighed. "How do you manage to stay so damn pristine and perfect and yet I look like I walked out of 'Night of the Living Dead?'"

Edward chuckled. "Years of practice. You'll get better at it." His smile fell immediately, as if the thought of me having eternity to perfect my feeding habits bothered him.

I tried to distract both of us from the thought. "Well, as long as I don't have any blood on my face."

"Just a little - right here." He reached out his thumb to swipe at the corner of my lip, and the brush of his hand against my skin sent a shock rolling down my spine. His tongue darted out to lick his lips and I swallowed hard, the urge to kiss him so strong, I was dizzy. Of course, that wouldn't happen now - couldn't happen now, I realized. Edward seemed to have a full grasp on his power, or at least enough to be almost completely normal. He didn't need me anymore. When I was adjusted to this lifestyle, he could leave me, just as he'd planned. This realization sent a jolt of agony through me so swift I almost gasped. I stepped away from him so I could lean back against the tree behind me for support.

"Bella?" His eyes filled with guarded concern. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," I lied quickly, turning away from his face. The sight of him only worsened the ache. "We should probably get back so I can clean up."

"Right, of course," he said. "Would you like to try running back?"

"Um...I don't know..." I still wasn't positive I wouldn't fall on my face and prove to be the first clumsy vampire in history.

"You'll be fine. Vampires aren't clumsy. They don't get motion sickness, either," he said with a smirk.

The reminder of a time when motion sickness had been a concern, a time when we'd been together and happy, was just another pang to my heart.

"Sure, let's run," I decided. I needed the distraction.

"Race you," he challenged before he took off abruptly in the direction of the house. Startled, I followed immediately, pushing my new body to go faster.

I was shocked at how easy it was to run. I was used to gasping for breath and side-cramps, but this was effortless. Even as I ran harder, there was no burn in my muscles, just pure exhilaration.

I overtook Edward just as we were coming out of the woods near the house. I let out a shout of triumph. I was faster than _Edward_. What else could I do now that I had been unable to before? What possibilities were open to me now that I had been freed from my human frailties?

If I was extraordinary enough, could Edward love me again?

I stopped in my tracks, the smile falling from my face. How stupid I was, still hoping. Why couldn't my traitorous heart just let go?

"I told you so," Edward said, coming up beside me. Neither one of us was out of breath.

I forced the smile back onto my face. "Yeah, it was effortless."

"You're a natural," he said. His smile looked forced, too.

"Bella!" Alice's voice bellowed from the doorway. "Get your butt in here and get out of those filthy clothes right now!"

I scrambled to obey. "Aye-aye, Captain."

I heard Edward and Alice whispering behind me, but I couldn't catch what they said. I had a feeling it was about me though.

Alice had laid out new clothes in the bedroom, and I went into the bathroom to strip down and shower. I felt disturbed that I wasn't all that disgusted with the blood crusted on my skin. In my human life, I would have passed out. Now, it was just...there. A part of this new existence.

The hot shower felt nice. My new skin was more sensitive to the heat, more receptive, and it seemed to soak into my bones. For a few moments, I relaxed.

A knock broke me out of my reverie, followed by the slow, quiet creak of the door being opened. Soft footsteps padded along the floor before the door snicked shut again. I stiffened under the spray - I'd recognize his smell anywhere, so much stronger now than when I was human.

"Alice says to tell you that this may be the only house on the island, but there still isn't a never-ending supply of hot water, and the rest of us need to use the facilities." I knew there was a smirk crossing Edward's lips, though I couldn't see him through the shower curtain.

"Sorry," I mumbled, still not making any move to turn off the water.

Edward chuckled. "It's fine, Bella. None of us really need the shower. She's just being obnoxious," I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

An answering "Hey!" sounded from another room and I couldn't help the smile that quirked across my lips. The smile quickly fell, replaced by puzzlement.

"Why didn't Alice just tell me herself?" Even over the spray of the shower, I'm sure I could have heard her from across the house.

"Well, you were taking so long, Jasper suggested that if I wanted any hot water, I should join you."

I froze, hands gripping the tiles of the walls in front of me for support. His voice was nonchalant, playful in a way it had never been before when in reference to him, me, and even the sheer possibility of nudity. If my heart still beat, I was sure it would be pounding. I floundered for a response, but could come up with nothing appropriate beyond a choked, "Oh."

There was a long, tense pause, the only sound the water cascading from the showerhead, before a sigh echoed through the room, and a hand shot behind the curtain, startling me, and handing me a towel.

"Thanks," I muttered, shutting off the water and snatching the towel from him, drying myself off at speeds even a vampire would be proud of, before wrapping the towel tightly around my body.

I pulled back the curtain and froze. Edward was just standing there, leaning against the counter, shirtless. Apparently he was serious about the shower. His jeans hung low on his hips, and it was hard to look away from him. I definitely wasn't meeting his eyes.

"Um...it's all yours now," I said, darting out of the bathroom. I heard him sigh again as I shut the door behind me, and seconds later, I heard the water start.

My mind skittered back to Jasper's suggestion of sharing the shower. I winced. Not the thing to be thinking of now.

I dressed quickly, unsure how long Edward would take. The last thing I needed was for him to walk out and catch me half-dressed.

I left the towel hanging on a doorknob and went barefoot toward the living room. I stopped a few feet away, hearing Alice and Jasper deep in conversation.

"...going to have to stay on the island until she's learned control. At least two years, to be safe."

"She's not going to like that," Alice sighed. "But it could be a good opportunity."

"Alice..."

"No, Jasper. He should stay with her. This is his doing, after all. Maybe then he'll get his head out of his ass and tell her the truth."

"I don't know..." Jasper said warily. "It could go badly."

"The worst has already happened, don't you think? She'll be better off in the long run if she knows she's not alone in her feelings."

"He's carrying a whole lot of guilt right now, Alice. I'm not sure he'll get past that without some nudging."

"Oh, I'll give him a nudge," Alice said darkly.

I leaned against the wall, feeling the ghost of a heart pounding in my chest. What had Alice said? I wasn't alone in my feelings? That couldn't be true, could it? He'd been out of his head while we were on the island. Maybe she was confused by that. He might not want anything to do with me, now that he was fine…

But he had made that flirtatious suggestion. Edward wasn't the type to play with anyone's feelings...unless he assumed there were no feelings to toy with anymore.

Why couldn't anything ever be simple?

I jumped as Alice appeared less than a foot away from me. I'd been so absorbed in my thoughts, I hadn't heard her approach.

"Bella, what are you doing hiding out in the hallway?" She smirked as I fumbled for a viable excuse.

"I'm not hiding out," I protested, and she arched her eyebrow. "I'm-"

"Eavesdropping?" I opened my mouth to reply, then shut it again. If I still had the ability, I was sure I would have been blushing hotly.

Alice laughed, slinging her arm around my waist. She practically danced into the living room. I was a bit less enthused, but followed. She sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her. I sat down slowly, running my fingers along the edge of one of the throw pillows.

"Bella, really, it isn't all that bad." It was my turn to cock an eyebrow and she sighed, scooting a little closer. "Look, I know this was unexpected, but all any of us can do now is adjust."

"Easy for you to say," I grumbled. At least she was sure of Jasper's love for her. I wasn't sure if Edward felt anything at the moment other than guilt, maybe even loathing because I was now a burden he had no choice but to bear.

Jasper stared at me, then glanced back at Alice knowingly, and I narrowed my eyes, exasperated. "What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" My hands unconsciously folded into fists.

"Calm down," Jasper said, and I felt my muscles unwind, my hands unclench.

"Sorry," I muttered and to my surprise, Jasper chuckled. I glared at him.

"I'm not laughing at you, Bella," he said, still smiling slightly. "I'm just glad to see you act at least somewhat like we've come to expect from a newborn vampire."

I blinked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Less control over your emotions, an unending amount of rage - you were a little too calm earlier. I was somewhat unnerved," he said, frowning slightly.

"So, me not wanting to go on a homicidal killing spree makes you nervous, but wanting to rage against everything in sight is totally fine by you." I shook my head, dumbfounded. "That has to be the most backwards thing I've ever heard."

"Speaking of homicidal killing sprees," Alice said, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, "Your father is ready to send out the cavalry because he hasn't heard from you in three days. He called Renee and... Well, let's just say some of his theories were confirmed. He knows you're not in Florida."

I groaned, burying my face in my hands, guilt gnawing at my insides. In all of the insanity over the past few days, I'd completely forgotten about my father. Charlie's rationality only stretched so far - and finding out I wasn't in Florida, coupled with me not calling home for three days, probably sent him past his breaking point.

"I tried to do some damage control while you were..." Her voice tapered off, and both of us winced, me with the remembered pain of the change, her in sympathy. "I told him you were with us in L.A. trying to mend fences, and you thought he would be mad if he knew the truth, it was my fault for telling you where we were staying. I asked him to be easy on you."

"Like that'll help." I sighed, taking the phone from her hands. "Might as well get this over with."

I wasn't sure how much longer Edward was going to be in the shower, and after our awkward conversation in the bathroom, I had no desire to walk in on him changing.

Actually, that was a lie. I had every desire, and that was the problem. Shaking my head, I stepped outside onto the deck just outside of the kitchen for privacy. Taking a deep breath, I picked up the phone and dialed. Charlie answered on the second ring, which was moving fast for him.

"Hello?" His voice was almost desperate, and I felt horrible for the worry I must be putting him through. None of this had anything to do with him; he shouldn't be unhappy because of me.

"Dad, it's me."

"Bella?" His voice was harsh with relief. "You sound different."

"Yeah...I think it's the dry air out here," I lied, knowing he wouldn't buy it, but I had to say something. "Listen, Dad...I...I don't think I'll be coming home for awhile."

I heard his deep breath over the phone. "Why, Bells?"

"There are just...some things I have to do," I said. What excuse was there? What lie could possibly reassure him?

He sighed heavily. "You're still with the Cullens? With him?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Is that a good idea, Bella? You haven't been the same since he left - "

"I'm not the same," I said, "And I don't think I ever can be. I don't think I can be Bella Swan anymore."

"What if it ends badly?"

_It already has._ "I'll be fine, Dad. I know what I need to do. Please, just...trust me."

"I want to, Bells, but I just don't understand. And what about school?"

"I can enroll here in L.A," I lied again. "I'll be fine, Dad, I promise, and...I'll keep in touch. I just...can't come home yet."

He gave another heavy sigh. "If you say this is what you really want, that you're happy, I'll let it be. Just...promise me you're not in any kind of trouble. If you are, you need to tell me; I can help you."

I had to compose myself before I could reply, feeling a lump in my throat and tears that would never come. "I'm not in any trouble, Dad, I promise. This...is what I want."

"All right...you keep in touch, like you promised. And call your mother. She's worried sick."

"Okay, Dad," I agreed. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Bells," he said gruffly before hanging up. I ended the call and held my head in my hands.

I would never see my father again. I could call him, and my mother, but I would never be in any condition to see them. They were both perceptive enough to notice and question the differences, and it wouldn't take long for them to realize I wasn't aging.

One day, they would both pass away, and I would be completely alone.

But they were here now, and I shouldn't take that for granted. I decided to call Renee, too, hoping to at least ease her mind somewhat. She was frantic on the phone, begging me to come home, offering to come to L.A., asking what on earth I was thinking without giving me an opportunity to answer. It took a long while to placate her, much longer than it took with Charlie. When I finally hung up the phone again, I was exhausted.

I looked out at the sparkling ocean, the swaying palm trees, trying to gain some semblance of serenity before I returned to the others. I took in the scent of the sea, so much stronger and complex with my new senses, and then another scent came to me on the breeze. _Him_. Thick and sweet and intoxicating. The bathroom window was open, and I could hear him stepping out of the shower. I tried not to imagine the sight but I failed.

I listened to the sounds of rustling fabric as he dried and dressed himself, feeling like a voyeur and unable to stop. Had he done this? Listened to me change my clothes in the bedroom? Imagined what each movement looked like? Or was I the only one that desperate?

When I heard him go down the stairs and greet Alice and Jasper, I knew it was probably time to return.

As I entered the hallway, I realized all three of them were whispering. I didn't see the point. My hearing was just as keen as theirs now. I was no longer the fragile human they could shut out of a room by whispering behind a closed door. My pride was somewhat pricked that they had somehow forgotten this fact.

I silently crept down the hallway, pressing myself against the wall. Their voices grew louder the closer I drew to the living room. Once again, I found myself eavesdropping. The situation was ridiculous – if I could hear them, they could almost definitely hear me - but no one was calling me out, and this seemed to be the best way to get information without any sugarcoating.

"Two years? Alice, don't you think that's a bit extreme?"

I poked my head around the corner. Alice was standing next to the couch, Jasper's hand on her shoulder. He must have been monitoring her emotions, because she was glaring something fierce, her hands balled into fists at her sides.

"For a newborn vampire?" Jasper answered for her. "Edward, you of all people know better than that."

Edward sighed, running his hand through his hair. I could only see his back from where I was standing, but his shoulders were tense. He was anxious, nervous of something. I felt my own anxiety rise in response.

Jasper continued, "Weren't you the one who argued tooth and nail against changing Bella in the first place?"

"I know, damn it!" Edward clutched at his hair, much like he had those days I spent nursing him back to sanity, or trying to, anyway. Briefly, I wondered how his grasp on his power was now that I was a vampire, something, as Jasper just pointed out, Edward had always been against.

"No one is blaming you, Edward," Alice said gently, a stark contrast to her attitude just moments before, putting a hand on her brother's shoulder. I wondered if that was Jasper's influence, or some sort of sibling intuition. "We know what happened was an accident."

Edward groaned, sitting down on the couch heavily with his head in his hands. "Alice, what was she thinking?"

His words stung, tiny pricks against the overall aching of my ribcage. I'd hoped that when my heart stopped beating, the pain would disappear too. Apparently, this had been a fool's hope.

Alice slapped the back of his head and he cringed. Edward's eyes were narrowed when he looked up, and if I had the inclination to laugh, I would have, because the thought of anyone looking _up_ at Alice was fairly amusing.

"She was trying to help you the only way that she knew how. The only way that worked. Moron," she added under her breath.

"You're not helping, Alice, dear," Jasper said gently, moving her to the side so he could sit beside Edward on the couch. "Edward, this is something you have to face. Our family will help you, you know we will, but you and Bella need to sort this out on your own."

That was the moment I recognized the emotion I'd been trying to read since Edward's face came into view - regret. He regretted changing me into a vampire, regretted having to deal with me as a newborn, to teach me to hone my instincts and curb my bloodlust. Regretted being tied to me forever.

I wondered how long it would be before my sanity was the one at stake because I wasn't sure how much of that desperate, longing expression on Edward's face I could stand.

* * *

**A/N: **We apologize, again, for taking so long with this update. Real life reared its ugly head. On the bright side, this is the longest chapter yet. On another good note, we're back to writing regularly.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 8)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

**A/N:** We're sorry. Really sorry. And Jacyevans is sorrier than I am.

For those that can't be bothered to reread, we last left Bella standing outside in the hallway, newly vamped, listening to Alice, Jasper, and Edward discuss what to do with her.

* * *

Jasper suddenly tensed and his eyes darted toward the doorway just as I pressed myself flat against the wall. _Stupid_, I chided myself. Of course, he would feel my emotions bubbling away out here. Stupid vampires with their powers.

"Bella?" Alice called just before her head peeked around the doorway. "Why are you hiding in the hallway again? Come in here."

I followed her reluctantly, feeling embarrassed and idiotic and utterly miserable. At least I no longer had a blush or a heartbeat to give me away. If I just pretended to be fine... Jasper was smirking at me. Damn it. _He_ would always know. I suddenly couldn't wait for him to be gone.

Jasper laughed. "And here I thought you would be less entertaining as a vampire. How wrong I was."

I rolled my eyes. "So what were you all planning in here?"

Everyone went tense and I glared. "Will you stop that? Tell me what's going on. Just because I'm not in the omniscient club doesn't mean I don't have a right to know what you're deciding about my future."

Alice and Jasper still appeared reluctant, but Edward sighed and looked up at me from where he sat. "Until we're completely sure your instincts are under control, we can't risk returning to the mainland. There's no way to transport you elsewhere while keeping you completely isolated from humans."

"How long?" I asked, though I knew what they would tell me, and I dreaded hearing it, dreaded seeing Edward's unhappiness.

"Two years, at the very least," Jasper supplied when Edward didn't respond. "Long enough to get all the human blood out of your system."

"Edward will be staying with you," Alice chimed in, as though this were great news. "It's for the best that he stay away until we're sure of his control again anyway. We'll all be visiting and checking in on you, of course, but there simply isn't enough wildlife on the island to support more than one or two of us for an extended stay."

I nodded, unable to argue with her reasoning, however much I wanted to. I wanted to beg Alice to stay with me instead, but I couldn't ask her to be away from Jasper for that long. Edward was the logical choice.

I couldn't feel remotely hopeful about the situation. No matter what Alice, or even Jasper, thought about Edward's feelings toward me, Edward gave no indication that he wanted anything to do with me. And being here, alone with him, for _two years_, when I could barely keep it together for an hour...

"It _will_ be all right, Bella," Jasper murmured, sending soothing waves toward me that my body instinctively fought against.

"It will," Alice confirmed, place a small hand on my arm. "I wouldn't allow this if I wasn't absolutely certain."

I looked at Alice's pleading eyes, and it was clear that whatever Edward's feelings were, she did care deeply about me. I allowed myself to feel a small measure of comfort.

"Okay."

Alice and Jasper said their good-byes soon after, both promising to check in on me at least a few times a week.

"I'll be watching you," Alice promised with a wink, and I cringed at the thought of her inner eye always trained on me, watching out for trouble. I sighed, rolling my eyes, and nodding.

Jasper murmured quietly to Edward. I could have eavesdropped but their conversation appeared to be private, so I focused instead of the distant sound of the waves crashing against the sand. Alice smiled at me reassuringly as they shuffled out and I closed the door behind them, ignoring the maddening urge to watch them leave.

Edward stood leaning against the arm of the couch, arms crossed, but some of the tension was gone from his shoulders, his muscles more relaxed. If he'd been human, he would be fidgeting, but he was still as a statue - if statues had eyes that could pierce me down to my soul and make my heart clench tightly in my chest. I swallowed, the back of my throat raw and aching, taking my mind off of the pain in my chest for a moment.

Edward's lips quirked as he correctly interpreted my expression. "I forgot how often newborns need to feed." He chuckled, as if the idea was ridiculously amusing.

"You're hilarious, Edward," I snapped, my despair giving way to anger.

His eyes widened. Then he approached me slowly, cautiously, as he might a dangerous animal who, at any moment, would snap their jaws and take off his head. "I wasn't making fun of you, Bella." His voice was soothing, comforting.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, struggling to relax, a feat made much more difficult without Jasper's calming presence. Understandably irrational emotions or not, I had to keep myself under control.

"It's okay if you're not in control right away, Bella," Edward said gently. "You're already doing much better than any of the rest of us did. Besides, you could be channeling that energy somewhere much more useful," he added with a smirk.

If he was implying what I thought he was implying...well, that didn't make sense. Before I could even begin to formulate a response to that, his mood shifted again.

"Perhaps now would be a good time to have a talk about that," he said seriously, eyes boring into me.

"About what?" I had to ask, unable to follow his winding train of thought.

"About being a vampire," he sighed, arms dropping to his sides as if in defeat. "The physical changes alone can be overwhelming, but it takes an emotional toll as well."

All my emotional turmoil centered on him. I realized how badly I _did_ want to talk to someone about it but not him. I shrugged and turned away. "I'm fine."

I could hear the rustle of Edward's hair as he ran his fingers through it. "Would it help if I told you how I felt when I was changed?"

I glanced back at his weary face and couldn't deny my curiosity. "It couldn't hurt."

One side of his mouth moved up in an empty half-smile, and he moved gracefully from the arm of the couch to sit on the cushion. "Will you sit with me?" he gestured to the seat beside him.

I contemplated taking the armchair across from him instead, to preserve some distance, but even if he had broken my heart, he didn't deserve my rudeness. I sat carefully away from him, turning just enough to see his face. His eyes were cast with a pained expression, one I tried desperately not to interpret too deeply as he started to speak.

"When I first woke as a vampire," he began, "I couldn't feel much of anything but thirst and confusion. I had been delirious when Carlisle took me, and upon waking, I had no idea what had occurred or where I was - only that it was extremely loud there. I didn't understand until later that the voices were in my head. I was sure I had died and that I was in hell."

I shuddered, imagining Edward as he had been just days ago, unable to control his gift and pained with the same thirst that burned at my throat even now. How scared he must have been, how alone...

"It took time, but Carlisle eventually guided me through the chaos and back to reason. Had it not been for his patience and care, I don't know what I would have become."

It seemed clearer now why he felt an obligation to help me, though my presence could only be unwelcome to him. Still, that he at least felt some empathy made me feel a fragile connection to him that I couldn't let go of.

"When I finally understood what I was and why, I felt very resentful."

"Toward Carlisle?" I interrupted, disbelieving. Edward had never shown anything but pure respect and admiration for his would-be father. I couldn't imagine anything else.

Edward shook his head. "No, it was impossible to resent Carlisle. I understood that he had saved me from death, and on some level, I was grateful to him. I also understood his loneliness. I could not find fault with him for searching for some companionship after centuries alone.

"It was the disease that I resented. I was furious with the invisible killer that had claimed my family and I, that had robbed me of any chance at my dreams of honor and glory. Even more infuriating was the knowledge that all my new power could do nothing to fight against that disease. I wanted revenge, and there was no way to have it."

He turned to me with desperate eyes. "I know you must feel something similar now. I took your choice away from you, along with any hope of the many things which make up a human life. Please, don't pretend in order to spare my feelings, Bella."

My name on his lips speared through me, and I spoke with great effort. "I don't resent you, Edward," I said. He would never know how much I had tried to hate him for how he had broken me, but what I had experienced with him was still worth all the pain and more, somehow. "Besides," I sighed, "You resent yourself enough for the both of us."

Edward sighed, running a hand through his hair, not denying my words. I felt my heart shatter into smaller pieces, something I didn't think was possible. I swallowed, igniting the burn in my throat again, but forcefully ignored the pain as Edward began to speak.

"I don't resent myself for changing you. I would never..." Edward struggled for words, and the sight was endearing. Human. I held my breath as he continued. "I resent myself for taking the choice away from you. If I was going to change you, it should not have happened like this."

"Edward," I scooted closer to him. I chose my words carefully, not quite sure if what I was going to say would help him or make him feel worse. "Alice was right. It was an accident. This is my fault, too, I should have known better."

"Yes, that thought crossed Alice's mind quite often," he frowned and cringed, as if the idea pained him, which made little sense. Unless...

"Edward," I said hesitantly and his eyes met mine, confused, probably at the sudden reluctance in my voice. "You _were_ able to control your power around Alice and Jasper... weren't you?"

Edward's eyes immediately fell to his lap. I sighed. I should have realized this earlier, but he'd seemed so controlled around his siblings, and there'd been more pressing matters at hand - like my new-found immortality - that I hadn't given his cringes and painful withdrawing from their thoughts a second glance. I figured he just didn't like what he was hearing.

Then again, Edward always was the better actor of the two of us.

Edward began to explain himself. "When I first realized what I'd done... when Alice and Jasper crashed through the door..." He winced. "Their thoughts were very loud, but I was able to hear them without wanting to pull myself into a corner... like before. I thought, perhaps, the direness of the situation was enough to bring me back to myself, but then when you awakened, and we were discussing what to do with you, and I still couldn't block them out completely..." His voice trailed off.

"What to do with me?" As if I was nothing more than some problem that needed to be solved. I shook my head, both at his words and at the fact that he'd lied to me, even by omission, lied to Alice and Jasper, too. How was I supposed to help him get better if I didn't even know he was still struggling?

How were we going to help each other get through this?

I stood swiftly before he could say anything else. I was angry and hurt and afraid of what I would do or say if we stayed here any longer with my roller coaster emotions. Edward's eyes tracked my movements.

"Come on," I said, pushing back my despair. "Let's go hunt." I cringed at my forced enthusiasm.

Edward blinked slowly at the sudden change of topic, then chuckled softly, putting his hand on my arm. Shivers erupted along my skin. I still desired him, now more than before - every touch was that much more amplified to my heightened senses. Despite everything, I still loved him.

I led the way out into the trees this time with self-preservation in mind. I couldn't afford to think about how much I still felt for him, how he was all I had now...about how little had changed. Even though my body was strong, durable, I felt as if I could crumble at the slightest provocation.

Because it was all too clear. In spite of how Edward had behaved while he was unwell, clearly nothing had changed since the day he told me he didn't want me anymore.

I had once entertained the notion that if I had only been a vampire, if I had been strong and beautiful, if we had been equals, then he might not have grown bored of me...that I might be enough.

But of course I wasn't enough. I had always known that.

"Bella?"

We were deep into the forest now, and he walked close behind me. His voice startled me.

"Yes?" I made the mistake of looking over my shoulder at him. He wore the smirk that had so often teased me for my humanness, but it was at odds with the red tint of his eyes.

"Were you planning to hunt, or are we simply taking a stroll?"

"What are you impatient for?" I huffed. "It's not as if you have anything to do but babysit me for the next two years."

Edward frowned. "Bella -"

"Forget it." I shook my head. I should just hunt now. Stop thinking and embrace the reprieve.

I closed my eyes and focused on the scents in the air, and got a noseful of Edward. The burn in my throat suddenly seemed irrelevant next to the stirring in the pit of my stomach, a desperate urge to touch, to take...

A soft, island breeze blew by, carrying Edward away and bringing the scent of life, something _much_ better than a boar.

I took off like a shot, now focused solely on my meal. I was vaguely aware of Edward following behind me, not moving fast enough to be a threat.

I could hear the heartbeat now, slow and heavy. The animal was sleeping, I instinctively knew.

"Wait," Edward suddenly called from behind me. "Bella, you might not want to -"

I ignored him, pouncing and sinking my teeth into a hot jugular.

The blood was sweet, not bitter like the boar's, and it felt _so good_ as it coated my parched throat. I was careful this time, not wanting to spill a single drop. What dribbled free, I licked up before it could be wasted. As the blood ran dry, I was just aware enough to register my growl of protest.

I pulled away and focused on breathing normally, returning to reason. When I opened my eyes, I was horrified at what I saw in front of me.

"Edward...is that...?"

"A jaguar," he said tensely. "They're on the endangered species list."

"Oh no," I moaned, turning away as my stomach churned guiltily. "Can we adopt a nice jaguar couple and force them to make lots of new jaguar babies?"

Edward chuckled, but there was an edge to the sound. "Sure. But let's wait until you won't be tempted to eat them."

I finally looked at Edward's face and realized that his eyes were black...black and fierce.

"Did that make you thirsty? Maybe you should hunt again, too."

Edward shook his head. "No, Bella, thirst is the least of my problems."

I sighed, biting back the sharp pain bursting through my ribs, resenting my rollercoaster emotions. Of course, thirst was the least of his problems. Besides still having just the minimum grasp on his power, he was forced to play babysitter to the crazed newborn. I was nothing but a burden, an obligation thrust on him.

For the first time - but what I was sure wouldn't be the last - I was glad there was no longer any way Edward could see me cry.

Edward didn't ask what was wrong. Instead, he brushed his hand against my cheek, frowning. I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of his hand against my skin. The sensation was so different now that I was a vampire, so much... more, and yet somehow, still the same. He was still able to steal the breath from my lungs. His brow furrowed, lips turned down in an expression of pure confusion.

"I still can't hear your thoughts," he whispered, his thumb rubbing circles against my cheek. He sounded almost... sad. Like the key to solving all of our problems could be found inside of my head. I only wished things were that simple.

_Definitely a shield, a powerful one._

A shock ran through me, as swift as an electric current shooting down my spine, as I remembered what Eleazar told me the day we met in Denali.

"Bella?" Edward asked, hand stilling as I stood frozen, too stunned to move or speak as the rest of Eleazar's words repeated themselves in my mind.

_Someone with the power to protect. As a human, I suppose, you can only protect your own mind against vampire abilities, but as a vampire, you could do much more._

"The power to protect," I whispered, and Edward's eyebrows knitted together, his face even more perplexed. He reached for me, but I pulled away, trying valiantly to ignore the hurt expression on his face. I needed a clear head, and for that, he couldn't be touching me. Just having him near me was enough to put all of my senses on high alert.

I didn't know why I could block out other vampires' abilities. Knowing that I was a shield wasn't much of an explanation, but if I could learn how to use that power... if Edward could teach me like Carlisle taught him... but how could Edward teach me anything when he could barely control his own power? I bit my lip.

I stared at Edward's perfect face, thought of him never again regaining full control of his abilities - always teetering on the edge of insanity - and that strengthened my resolve.

Maybe the key to solving at least one of our problems _was _inside of my head, after all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 9)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

"Are you going to explain now?" Edward asked, staring me down across the living room. I'd returned to the house without another word to him. I could tell he was becoming frustrated, but I didn't know how to explain.

"I'll try," I told him. "When we were in Denali, Eleazar told me he thought I was a shield."

Edward was still, thinking. "That makes sense," he finally said.

"If he's right and I do have some kind of protective power, then maybe we can use this time to figure it out...and maybe then I could help you get your power under control."

Edward's face twisted into something between a grimace and a smile. "After all that's happened, you're still worried about helping me?"

I swallowed unnecessarily, stalling. I didn't want to show how much I still loved him or how much I still needed him. In spite of the pain that shot through me every time I remembered he didn't want me anymore, I still preferred being here with him to any other option.

"It's what I came here for, isn't it?"

Edward nodded, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees. "I never thanked you for that. You're the most incredible person I know, Bella. After what I did, your kindness was the last thing I deserved. Yet, you came anyway."

"Please don't," I cut him off. "Let's just...move forward now."

"Okay," Edward sighed, disappointed. "I want to call Carlisle and talk to him about this. Why don't you take some time to relax? You've had quite a day."

I laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, I have."

Edward left the house to call Carlisle. Evidently, it was too private a conversation for me to listen in on. Even when he went to the other end of the island, I could still make out the faint murmur of his voice, though the words were unclear.

While he was gone, I wandered into the bedroom that would go entirely unused now. The torn sheets were still on the bed. My blood was crusted on them, too, and on the pillow. I could smell it in the air, and it burned my throat, though I didn't see what had appealed so much to Edward. Different flavors, indeed.

I tossed the ruined pillow aside and pulled the comforter over the other bloodstain before stretching across the bed. I closed my eyes. I could tell right away this would never be the same. The urge to sleep was completely gone; I didn't even feel the need to rest my eyes. It felt good to lie down, though, and stay completely still for a while, unmoving, unfeeling... I let my mind go blank, but I couldn't ignore Edward's scent on the bed or his faraway voice.

At a certain point, the stillness turned to restlessness. A part of me deep in the bones wanted to get up and go to him - cross the easy miles of the island just to look at his face again. Another part, perhaps somewhere in the skin, wanted to flee for the water and swim until I found familiar ground.

I did neither of those things. My arms, legs, eyelids I kept firmly planted. I fought against my mind's morbid impulse to look toward the future, toward the time when Edward would be free of me and I would be alone...

"Bella?"

He did me the courtesy of calling my name before he entered the house, but I jumped to my feet anyway, startled by the nearness of the sound. Edward's scent wafted toward me as he opened the front door, and I froze beside the bed when he appeared in my vision.

Edward sucked in a breath and winced, eyes darting around the room. "How can you stand to be in here? The scent is..."

I shrugged. "Doesn't get to me the way it does you, I guess."

Edward cocked his head. "Or you have unusual control over your bloodlust for a newborn."

I shrugged again. I'd long since abandoned the notion that I could ever be special in some way.

"Can we return to the living room to talk?" he asked. "Then we'll get this room cleaned up."

"Sure." Edward gestured me out, still a gentleman by nature. I sat on the sofa a little too hard and heard one of the legs crack minutely. I cringed.

"You'll do worse before all is said and done." He smiled thinly, sitting across from me. "I spoke with Carlisle at length. He said that with abilities such as yours, it's generally best to start with some visualizing. It will take some time, of course. It could be years before you have enough control over your gift to help me, if it even works that way. If I even need the help by then."

"What are you getting at?"

Edward steepled his fingers in front of his mouth, sighing. "I'm letting you know that you don't have to do this. You owe me nothing. I'm the one in your debt, Bella, and I -"

"Edward," I interrupted, "I'm on this island for two years with you. What else am I going to do with my time?"

"That's just it. You can do whatever you want. Read, write, study, take up underwater basket weaving - it's all up to you."

"True, but apparently, I have an eternity to do those things now. I came here to help you and I'm going to see it through."

Edward smiled sadly. "You haven't changed at all."

"You're wrong," I said, because I had changed a great deal. I had been broken, and I had learned to live that way.

"It wouldn't be the first time," Edward said sadly. He stood abruptly. "Should we start in the morning? You might want to take some time to relax."

"Fine," I said, though I couldn't imagine 'relaxing' at any point in the next two years.

* * *

I tucked myself away in the TV room for the night, flipping through the endless satellite channels without finding anything to fully occupy my mind. I was constantly aware of Edward, sometimes still, sometimes pacing the living room. Around 2AM, I distinctly heard him take tentative steps into the bedroom. I listened while he stripped the bed, then carried the bloodied sheets out to the beach and burned them.

When the birds outside announced the dawn, I ventured upstairs. I found Edward in a corner chair staring at a book - not reading it, because it wasn't open.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Just thinking," Edward said, standing abruptly to return his book to the shelf. His speed couldn't prevent me from seeing him anymore.

"Thinking about Hamlet?"

He spun guiltily back to me. "I was trying to figure something out."

I waited for him to elaborate. He sighed.

"Hamlet...he was pretending to be mad. But was he? Was it just pretend, or was he mad all along? Where is the line?"

I stood silently, trying to reconcile the vulnerable creature in front of me with the vampire I used to know. In my heart, I knew I loved them both.

"Edward, you're not crazy. You're...I don't know. Malfunctioning. But not mad."

He nodded, looking down at his bare feet. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him without socks before.

"Don't think too much about it. It's dangerous," I said. His eyes when they looked up at me were solemn, and I had to turn away. "Should we get started?"

"Sure. Unless you'd like to hunt again first. Are you thirsty?"

I shook my head. The burn was painful, but I was already beginning to get used to it, to push it to the back of my mind.

"Very well, then," Edward said, pulling the screen door open. "After you."

We walked through the sand toward the water. Edward veered left after a moment, and I followed him, unquestioning. He led the way to a palm tree that leaned out almost over the water next to a short ledge of rock, creating a shaded alcove. Edward sat down cross-legged against the wall, and I copied his pose against the trunk of the tree.

"This place is beautiful," I said, watching the waves roll onto the shore. "I can see why Carlisle chose it for Esme."

"Yes. They visit often. The others use it as well for romantic getaways. I've only been here once before with Carlisle when he first discovered the property."

He'd never had anyone for a romantic getaway. All those years alone...until me. And then, after so little time in comparison...he left. He said he'd been waiting for me; it didn't make sense that he would grow tired of me so quickly. Was I really so unbearable? I wanted to ask him. I wanted to know more than anything what I'd done to drive him away, but I couldn't ask. I was too afraid of the answer.

"So how do we do this?" I asked, ready to change the subject. "You said something about visualizing?"

"Yes," he said, and we began to work.

The idea was that if I had some kind of "shield" around me, then I needed to see it in my head to manipulate it. The whole thing sounded hokey to me, but I was willing to try. And it wasn't like it was a hardship, sitting out in the sun with my eyes closed and Edward's honeyed voice coaxing me along.

At the end of the day, I'd accomplished absolutely nothing. Edward assured me that the process would take time, and we parted company. He wanted to stretch his legs with a run around the island. I would have liked to run, too, but I didn't want to intrude. Instead, I went inside the house and found a book to read.

We went on this way for a few weeks - working during the day, to little result, and pursuing our own occupations at night. I found I loved to swim. With incredible sight and no need to breathe, I could experience a whole other world under the water. I also went through a large chunk of the extensive book collection on the island. I worried I would soon have to ask Alice to deliver more titles. She and Jasper visited once, bringing with them more clothing for me, since I only had what I'd brought to the island for what I expected to be a short stay.

"I see you're not making much progress," Alice said, taking the opportunity to talk to me alone after she urged Edward to go back to the mainland to hunt with Jasper. I was preoccupied as we walked along the beach, worried that Edward would snap when confronted with the chaos of the city.

"It's harder to get a grip on my shield than I thought - if it's even there," I muttered, assuming her idea of progress was the same as mine.

"Oh, you'll get there. I was talking about Edward, actually. I thought you two would be...friendlier by now."

I blinked at her innocent, smiling face. "Alice, I know you have your opinion on the matter, but Edward hasn't shown the slightest inclination to do anything but work with me. Maybe you're wrong."

"Or maybe," Alice said, linking her arm with mine, "he's as scared as you are of being rejected."

"Rejected? He's the one that didn't want me, not the other way around."

"I know that, but you have a really good reason to want nothing to do with him, and he's very aware of that."

I swallowed back the perpetual venom in my mouth. "But I came here for him. Does he think I would do that if I wanted nothing to do with him?"

Alice shrugged. "I'm sure he would have seen the logic in your argument before he bit you - if he'd been sane, anyway - but think about how it must look from his eyes. You were willing to leave everything you knew to come to his aid, and he repayed you with what he views as a death sentence. He's afraid to ask anything of you, Bella, because he knows he doesn't deserve it."

Her thesis made sense, I had to admit. "So what are you suggesting I do, exactly?"

"Make an overture," Alice suggested. "Just ask him to do something with you - something small. It will go a long way."

"Okay," I agreed, because I wasn't sure how many more nights I could spend pretending I didn't care what Edward was doing.

Alice and Jasper left the next morning. Edward and I returned to our usual routine.

"Was it difficult to be in Rio yesterday?" I asked him before we began. He was more fidgety than normal, busying himself with crushing grains of sand into smaller grains.

"Yes. Jasper noticed, too. I couldn't tune the voices out. I kept my sanity, at least, but...well. I wish you could have come."

It was the most affectionate thing he'd said to me since I'd been changed, and I fought not to read too much into it.

"We'll figure it out, eventually," I said. "It's not as if we're short on time."

Edward smiled, close-lipped but genuine. After that, we began our work, again with little effect. When the sun set, I was surprised to find Edward walking back to the house with me.

"I was thinking," he said, when he caught me peeking at him, "that I'd like to watch a movie tonight. Would you like to join me?"

I wondered if I wasn't the only one who'd gotten a talk about overtures.

"Okay. That sounds good," I agreed. He smiled at me fully, and for a moment, I could have sworn I felt my heart beat.

Sitting down in the den with Edward, illuminated only by the light of the television, was an exercise in deja vu. Of course, certain elements were different now. We sat at opposite ends of the couch where before, his arm would have been around me. My eyes now had no trouble seeing every last detail and color in the darkness, and I felt a little alarmed at what Edward must have been seeing when I trusted the cover of darkness to hide my flaws. The electricity between us, however, was the same. The burning need to reach out and touch him hadn't disappeared, hadn't even faded with time and changes.

"It's been a while since I watched a movie," Edward murmured, eyes on the screen. We were watching some political drama, something without the slightest hint of romance. I hadn't been paying much attention, too lost in my own thoughts.

"The last movie I went to was with Jacob Black and Mike Newton. Mike had to run off to the bathroom halfway through to vomit." Edward shot me a puzzled look, and I smiled ruefully. "Stomach flu was going around. I got it that weekend, too."

Edward turned back to the TV, a small smile on his lips. "You mean you convinced Mike and Jacob to share you for a night?"

"Well, other people were supposed to be there. I asked Jessica, Angela, and Ben to come, too, after Mike suggested a movie. But they all cancelled."

"Why?"

"Why did they cancel?" I asked, wondering what could possibly be interesting to him about details so banal.

"No, why were there supposed to be other people there? I can't imagine that was what Mike had in mind."

I frowned. "I didn't really want to be alone with Mike. When have I ever?"

"True." Edward smiled to himself again. "And Jacob? The werewolf? Alice gave me the impression that you'd been spending a lot of time with him."

"Jacob was a good friend," I said quietly.

"Was?"

"Well, he was pretty pissed when I told him I would help you. It's not like I'm going to see him for the next two years, at least. Once he's worked out what happened to me, I'm sure he'll be thrilled." I smiled ruefully. "Werewolves, they just love vampires."

"Right," Edward sighed. "I'm sorry, Bella."

I shrugged. "I'm not complaining. Just stating the way things are."

"Did he..." Edward ventured, then paused, swallowing. "Did he make you happy?"

"I guess..." I said, struggling to follow Edward's train of thought.

"I mean, did you love him?" he asked, point-blank. "Or could you have loved him?"

That question had plagued me until Alice turned up in my house. I hadn't thought much about it since, and I couldn't fathom what it mattered to Edward.

"No, I didn't love him, not that way. I don't know if I could have. Probably not. Not enough, anyway."

"Oh." That was the end of the conversation.

After the movie night, things with Edward were less tense in some ways - and more tense in others. We talked now about more than just my mystical (and, as I was beginning to suspect, non-existent) shield, but that led to a whole new minefield. We could barely hold a conversation without stumbling over the past, whether it was the time we'd spent together or the time we'd been apart. For his part, Edward tried to stick to neutral subjects - books, music, movies, the weather - but the past always had a way of creeping in.

I didn't want to stop talking to him, however. Talking to Edward made me feel more normal and more myself than I had in months. Even if I had to revisit painful memories, I clung to that feeling.

What was beginning to really bother me was the memories themselves. I'd thought, in all I'd learned about vampire transformations before, that my memories would be fuzzy, that my human life would be more difficult to recall. What I found, however, was that the worst memories - memories of a vampire in a ballet studio, memories of lying on a forest floor - were painfully clear. Other memories, on the other hand, were harder to access - like the ones starring a flowery meadow, the ones with a tender voice in the darkness, the ones with kisses. So badly, I wanted to remember those days more clearly.

I knew Edward must remember them in perfect clarity, just as I could now remember how many breaths Edward had taken five days ago, but I hesitated to ask. Perhaps he had no interest in those memories anymore. To learn that they meant nothing to him would be worse than losing them entirely.

"You're not focusing," Edward said. I blinked and looked through the rays of sunlight bouncing off his skin.

"I'm sorry."

He gave me only half a smile. "I know it's hard when there's so much to distract you right now, but learning to control your gift will also help you focus your mind."

I picked up a handful of sand and watched it slide through my fingers. "I'm beginning to wonder if there really is any gift to control."

Edward pursed his lips. "I believe there is, and Eleazar certainly thought you'd have one. But we're never going to know if you don't give it a chance."

"What if nothing ever happens, though? How many days are we going to spend on this beach before we admit that I'm just not special?"

Edward leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "Bella, you are special. You always have been. As for how long we're going to do this - we've got two years on this island, so I'd say 730 days, at the very least."

I slumped back against my palm tree, even though my phantom heart was pounding at his words. "I just don't know what else I can do to make something happen."

Edward stared at the ocean for a long while, chin in his hand. I closed my eyes and let him think, content to sit back and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

"Bella..." he said eventually, and I cracked one eyelid open to find him staring at me.

"Yes?"

"How have you been visualizing your shield?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what does it feel like to you? How do you imagine it to be?"

I took a moment, trying to think of a way to describe it. "I guess...it's sort of like an M&M."

Edward's brow crinkled. "Sorry?"

"You know, the candy?" Maybe he didn't know. It had been a long time since he'd eaten people-food.

He rolled his eyes. "I know what an M&M is. I just don't understand. You visualize yourself protected by candy?"

I shook my head quickly. "No, it's like..._I'm_ the M&M. I'm the chocolate center, and my shield is the hard candy coating."

"Okay," Edward nodded, as serious as if I'd just said something that wasn't completely absurd. "Maybe you need to picture it differently. Maybe it's not a hard shell. Maybe it's like...um...cling wrap."

I was skeptical. "Cling wrap?"

"Yes. Imagine it's all around you. Right now, it's snug and tight, but if you wanted to, you could stretch it out, maybe even push your way through it."

I shrugged and closed my eyes again. "Guess it's worth a try."

With Edward talking me through the process, I tried to imagine my "shield" as something stretchy and yielding. I pictured it taut around me, wrapped about my skin. I mentally started to nudge at it, looking for some give.

We were sitting there for hours, Edward quietly encouraging, me pushing at something I couldn't see. I wanted to give up. I wanted to go for a swim. I wanted to curl up in Edward's lap and sleep - impossible, but I wanted it. Instead, I continued.

Out of nowhere, I felt something budge. My eyes flew open in surprise, and my lack of concentration left my "shield" snapping back like a rubber band...but I'd felt it. It was real, and now I knew how to move it.

"Bella?"

Edward was watching me - had been watching me the whole time, I supposed, and that gave me a moment's pause. Had he spent all these hours on the beach simply staring at me? But that was a thought for later.

"It moved," I said simply.

He beamed. "Really? You felt it?"

"I did. It's really there," I marvelled.

"I knew it had to be. There was no other explanation for you."

"Thank you - you figured out what I needed," I said, feeling shy. Edward's eyes flickered down and away.

"Sometimes it just takes another perspective," he shrugged.

"Well, now that I've had a breakthrough, I'm taking the rest of the day off," I announced. Edward's eyes followed my movements: standing up, heading toward the water line, removing my clothes to reveal the bathing suit underneath. I could feel his stare burning into my skin more effectively than any ray of sunlight.

I wondered again at his watching me. Was I attractive to him again, now that I was a vampire? Did I want him to be? The thought of Edward growing bored with me all over again terrified me, but I couldn't deny the part of me that swelled to bursting at the prospect of being loved by Edward once more.

The water felt warm, as always, and I tried to focus on the way it felt – the prickle of salt against my skin, the tickle of bubbles – but my mind kept returning to Edward on the beach, watching...

Ten I heard his feet gliding through the sand. I ducked under the water, but I could still hear his shirt hit the ground. I could hear the clink of his belt as he removed it and the swoosh of his pants dropping to his feet.

I sucked in a breath unconsciously and pushed back to the surface, coughing and spluttering. Edward stood on shore in just a pair of black boxers – God help me, his _boxers_, which didn't do much to hide the size and shape of what was underneath.

"You all right?" Edward asked, holding back laughter. I nodded, still choking on the water I'd inhaled, which incidentally tasted horrendous.

While I was trying to recover, Edward waded into the water and swam toward me. I kicked in place, unable to move toward him, unable to move away.

"You know," he said, coming to a stop just a couple of feet away, "You don't actually _have_ to breathe anymore."

"I know." I lightly kicked at his leg, annoyed that he had the nerve to tease me when he was being so perplexing. "It was a reflex."

He smiled, but the tilt of his lips told me his mind was somewhere else.

"What's going on, Edward?" I asked, though I was a little afraid of the answer.

"I was just thinking. We never really talked about what happened here - before I changed you, I mean."

I stared down at my feet in the water. "Well, you weren't in your right mind. I figured you didn't really remember much of it."

"No, I remember," he said softly, and I flinched. "I remember all of it. Do you?"

I had a split-second to make a decision. I could lie and say it was all a bit fuzzy, and he would drop it. Or I could tell the truth and let him say whatever he was going to say.

"I remember."

Edward drifted closer, close enough that I couldn't look away from his face anymore.

"I don't know why you did it, Bella, but...I'm glad you did."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say. That was the last thing I'd expected to come out of his mouth.

"I just thought you should know," Edward said, backing away, giving me space. "I may have been crazy during that time, but I was happy."

I struggled to find a reply, to explain to him that somehow, I'd been happy, too – but he was already moving away from the conversation, and moving away from me.

"Come on, I'll race you around the island," he dared, already swimming towards shore. With no idea what was going on or what Edward was thinking, I did the only thing I could: I followed him.

* * *

**A/N:** This has been a long, long time coming, I know. And I want you to know that, even if I failed to reply, I received every single message and review asking about this story. I always said that this story would get finished, one way or another, and I have hope that I'll get to hit the "completed" button sooner rather than later.

If you're reading this, it means you've stuck with this story all this time, and for that, I want to say thank you times a million.


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 10)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

"I can't believe you beat me," Edward grumbled, even as we were trudging up to the house. We spent some time on the beach, air-drying - easy to do when the water rolled right off your skin.

We stopped on the porch, shaking sand out of our clothes. "That's what you get for challenging a newborn." I was pretty pleased with myself, actually.

Edward shook his head, vaguely irritated, but he looked a little proud, too. "You don't understand. No one has ever beaten me before. Newborn or no."

I stood straighter, feeling pretty proud of myself. "Really? But I was pulling ahead of you when we raced that first day - before I stopped, anyway."

Edward snorted. "Please. It was your first day as a vampire - I was letting you win."

"Oh really?" I crossed my arms and appraised his face. "I think you're lying."

"Lying?" he repeated, incredulous. "You want a rematch? Because you may have beaten me in the water, but I don't think you could do it on foot."

"Oh, you're on, old man," I said, already on the way to the back door.

He followed. "Old man?"

"Uh, yeah," I shot over my right shoulder. "You're a centenarian. I think that qualifies as old."

"Not for a vampire. Carlisle is over three hundred, and he suspects the Volturi have been around since the Roman Empire."

We reached the outdoors again, and I brushed off his argument. "You're way older than me. That means you're old."

"Whatever you say, Bella," he snorted. "Why don't we revisit this conversation in ninety years?"

My heart lodged in my throat. "Ninety years? You expect me to be around in ninety years?"

Edward looked stricken. "I just assumed that you would be joining our family when we left the island. But that is entirely up to you, of course."

"Do you want me to stay with your family?" I hadn't really wanted to ask, but foolish hope forced the words from my throat.

"Yes."

"Are you saying that because you feel obligated, or because you really want me to stay?"

His brow furrowed. "I really want you to stay. Do _you_ want to?"

"Yes."

"Then it's settled," Edward said. He appeared puzzled by the entire exchange. "Now, are we going to have a race or not?"

We decided on the route we would take and the rules - straight across the island to the opposite beach. First to the water would win. I let Edward count us off, and when we started running, I tried to keep my mind on the task at hand. But our conversation kept me distracted. For someone who grew bored with me after mere months, Edward didn't show the slightest hesitation to invite me to stick around for decades. Then again, we weren't in a relationship anymore.

Perhaps that was where Edward had become discontent - being in a relationship with me. Had I been too needy, too clingy? Too desperate in my adoration of him? He never seemed to mind - but then, he always seemed to love me. Until he stopped.

I cleared the trees feet behind Edward, who took on an extra burst of speed to reach the water line well before me. He whirled around, grinning and ready to gloat. I wanted to tell him I thought I could have won if I'd been paying the slightest bit of attention, but I wanted more to keep my thoughts secret, so I merely rolled my eyes and conceded defeat.

"Who were you calling an old man?" Edward asked, eyebrow up high. He stood in the surf, still wearing nothing but those boxers, and I had to swallow an unexpected burst of venom before I spoke.

"Don't get too cocky. It wasn't exactly a blow-out."

He just grinned. "It will be in a hundred years, when _you're_ an old woman."

I snorted. "We'll see about that."

"Looking forward to it."

We went back to the house to shower. I went first and then waited in the living room for him, listening in spite of myself to the sound of water hitting his body. I thought about going to the den and distracting myself with TV, but I was reluctant to do anything. Edward and I made so much progress today, I thought, and I was paralyzed with indecision, afraid of taking us backward.

Edward walked out wearing jeans and a shirt that he'd neglected to button. I looked away, burrowing deeper into my bulky sweater, as if that would help me hide what the sight of him did to me.

"What are you doing?" he asked, smiling as he buttoned his shirt.

I shrugged. "Just sitting."

Edward nodded absently. "You'll be able to do that for a long time now."

I frowned. "Sit?"

"Mmmhmm. Without moving, without really thinking. You'll find you can be still for hours without even noticing the time passing."

"That sounds kind of sad," I murmured.

He sat down on the other end of the sofa, body angled toward me. "It could be, if we didn't have all the time in the world. At a certain point you have to waste some of it."

I tucked my legs beneath me, settling in for the conversation. "But it doesn't exactly inspire one to seize the day, does it?"

"When something important comes along, we do." His tone was light, but his eyes were serious and focused on me. I swallowed.

"Can you give me an example?" I was fishing. I knew I was, even though that hadn't been my intention when I opened my mouth, and from the almost-smile on Edward's lips, I knew he knew I was fishing.

"You must know I'm talking about you," he said softly. "In a century, nothing affected me like you did."

I nodded, believing him, because I could still remember the excitement in his eyes from those early days. But I could remember other things, as well.

"But it wasn't enough, was it?" I pressed, trying not to let accusation color my tone.

Edward leaned toward me, his eyes begging for something - what, I didn't know. "You still don't understand. And that's my fault. But...did you ever consider the possibility that nothing I did after your birthday was for _me_?"

I looked back at him, unsure what to say. If he hadn't left for his own sake, then whose? What was he telling me? I knew what I hoped...but I was afraid to think it.

"I did what I thought I had to do. What I thought was the only ethical choice at the time," Edward went on, and still, his eyes begged for understanding. "I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you still don't see it," he sighed. "Just...think on it, please. Deep down, you must know - I hope you know, because I don't think anything I do or say will convince you."

"I don't understand," I said helplessly, wishing he would spell it out for me. There were so many things I wanted to hear him say, things that wouldn't make sense - but I would accept them, because I needed them.

"Just think about it," Edward said, standing up. "Think about what happened before I left. Think about what might have driven me to say the things I did if I didn't mean them. And when you're ready, come find me, okay?"

He took my hand, squeezed it, and then retreated to the den.

Torn, confused, I watched him go. I wanted to follow him, perhaps to ask for more clarification, or perhaps merely to sit in his presence. I wanted to call my mom and ask for advice, but that would require all kinds of background explanation I wouldn't be able to give, and besides, she was probably in bed by now.

I grabbed my phone anyway and decided to flee to the other side of the island, where maybe, just maybe, I would be less tempted to follow Edward and more able to actually consider what he said.

_Think about what happened before I left. Think about what might have driven me to say the things I did if I didn't mean them._

What exactly had he said? Those awful moments in the forest were growing fuzzier, filtered so dimly through my human memory.

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

"_You… don't… want me?"_

"_No."_

No. That word had echoed in my mind since that day. No, he didn't want me. No, I wasn't going with him. No, I couldn't have the future I'd been dreaming of since he told me I was his life.

But Edward asked me to think about what had happened before those dark moments, and I knew if I was ever going to face the life ahead of me, I had to let the shadows go. I held them close about me to protect my broken heart, but they weren't helping me anymore, and they weren't helping Edward – and helping Edward was the reason we were here.

I cast my thoughts back to my eighteenth birthday: the pain in my wrist, the blood staining the carpet, the stony expression on Edward's face. I remembered the urgency with which he kissed me that night, as though he was saying goodbye. The uncomfortable feeling I had before falling asleep that lingered through the next day – the night he refused to stay with me – and until he asked me to take a walk with him...

"_I'm no good for you, Bella."_

"_Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."_

"_My world is not for you."_

"_What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"_

"_You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."_

"_You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay -"_

"_As long as that was best for you."_

"_No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"_

I'd known, I realized. I'd known all along what he was going to do and why. He targeted my own insecurities so perfectly that I did most of the work for him, and after he was gone, I went on believing that he didn't love me anymore. That was easier, somehow, than believing he could love me and leave me, despite all of my protests. That was easier than knowing I was helpless to stop him from doing whatever he wished to me and my heart. Better to believe he was out there somewhere, finding happiness with someone strong and beautiful, than to know we were both in misery. Better to look back on my time with him as the happiest of my life than to know that he was always planning to leave me behind.

But he loved me.

I sat down in the sand, letting it sink in. He loved me. Somehow, the thought didn't feel like a revelation. I knew that he loved me once, perhaps knew that he loved me all along, underneath my attempts to bury anything that could be considered cause for hope.

Edward was back at the house right now, loving me, waiting for me to figure this all out. If I wanted, I could go back and tell him I understood. I could fall into his arms and kiss his face and demand he never leave me again.

I could, if I wanted. I had the choice to let all the pain evaporate and have the life I wanted all along – an eternal, vampire life with Edward. But could I make that choice?

Again, I considered calling my mom. Trying to imagine what she would tell me wasn't the same - I needed to hear her voice.

My phone buzzed in my hand. I was so surprised that I dropped it, but my vampire reflexes allowed me to catch it well before it hit the ground.

"Hello?"

"You can't call your mom right now. You'll say too much. Besides, it's the middle of the night."

"Right. Thanks, Alice," I sighed, disappointed.

"But...if you want to talk, I can listen," Alice said quietly, and I instantly felt guilty. Of course, I should have thought to call Alice. Through all of this, she was still on my side.

"Alice...I don't know what to do," I admitted.

She took a moment to answer. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to pretend the past six months never happened. I want to go in there and kiss him and get on with our lives."

"And why do you feel like you can't do that?" Alice asked gently.

"Because...because it's too easy, isn't it?" I looked out at the waves rolling in. "It still hurts, what he did. What if he leaves again, thinking it's for my own good? How am I supposed to survive that?"

"Maybe you should just take it slow. Don't dive right back into it, but don't let the fear keep you hiding, either. I think you'll find that Edward has learned his lesson, but you'll never know that unless you take the time to trust him again."

"Does it all work out, Alice? Can you see it?" I asked, desperate for reassurance.

"In most of my visions, yes, it works out. I don't mean to scare you, Bella, but it all depends on you now. You have to let him in again. He's not going to push because he knows he doesn't deserve your forgiveness."

"Okay," I murmured, scared anyway. "Okay."

"Relax, Bella, and remember, take it slow. There's no rush."

"Right. Thank you, Alice."

"Get in there," Alice prodded. "Edward's probably going nuts."

"Probably? Can't you see him?" I asked, worried. If Alice couldn't see him clearly, then his condition was worse than he was letting on.

"Oh, I see him. I see him sitting there all night waiting for you. But if I know my brother, he's going crazy."

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure you're right. Bye, Alice."

"Bye, Bella. Good luck."

After I disconnected the call, I took a moment to brace myself. The ocean spread out before me, as eternal as I was, and I thought briefly of what it would be like to just swim away, off to some distant shore to start anew...alone...

No, I decided, that fantasy would only be complete if Edward followed after me. My life was never complete without him.

I turned back to the house.

Edward remained in the den where I left him. He was quite silent, but the sound of the TV led me to him. The couch faced away from the door, and when I walked in, Edward twisted his whole body toward me. I wondered how I had missed it before, the riot of emotion in his eyes. Had he hid it well, or had I refused to see?

I didn't know how to tell him what I knew or what it meant - I was still uncertain about those things myself – but he continued to watch me, leaving me to make the first move. Slowly, I made my way around the couch to him and sat down close beside him. He gazed questioningly at me while I lifted his arm around my shoulders and nestled into his side. Edward sucked in a breath, but I pressed my head to his chest, keeping my eyes well away from his face.

I gave part of my attention to the television screen, where a movie I vaguely recognized was playing. After a full agonizing minute passed, I felt Edward press his cheek to the top of my head. I closed my eyes and wrapped myself in the feeling of falling into place, like finding the answer to an oft-asked question or coming home after a long journey.

"What are you watching?" I asked. There was no need to whisper, but still, I kept my voice hushed. This moment seemed to call for tranquility, for stillness, and I would not be the one to break the mood.

"_An Affair to Remember_. You've seen it, haven't you?" It was a new thing to feel his words vibrate through his body, something I hadn't experienced as a vampire.

"I have, but I don't really remember the story," I murmured.

"It's about two people who fall in love at sea," Edward explained. "They're both attached, so when the boat docks, they decide to part ways, to extricate themselves from their current lives and start anew. They set a date to meet atop the Empire State Building. But she has a crippling accident and doesn't make it – she never gives him any explanation because she fears he won't want her and she doesn't want to be a burden."

"And now he's found her," I surmised, taking in the scene playing out on the television. "Why is she hiding her legs? Why doesn't she just tell him the truth? He came for her – he obviously loves her."

"Because she's already hurt him, and she has even less to offer him than she did before. Because she knows letting someone go hurts less than being rejected by the one you love."

Something in his tone told me he felt more than simple interest in the story. "This reminds you of us, doesn't it?" I guessed.

He let out a breath. "Yes."

I peeked up at him. "Am I supposed to be the cripple on the couch?"

He met my eyes. "No, Bella," he said solemnly. "_I'm_ the cripple on the couch."

"Oh." It took me a moment, but I sorted out the tangled threads of the allegory. Edward was the one who failed to come back to me – he was the one who didn't meet me where he was supposed to, but still, I'd gone after him. What else could I do? And I had found him broken. My change brought him back to reality, but he was still, in a fashion, crippled.

And if he was that woman on the couch, so conscious of his unworthiness, so afraid of telling me the whole truth and losing me, then I was the one who had to throw the blanket back and tell him that I knew what he was and loved him still.

"Crippled or not," I said quietly, "You're the only one I've ever wanted."

His hand cupped my cheek and lifted my face. I met his penetrating gaze without flinching.

"Can I say it?" Edward asked – begged, even. I knew the words he wanted to say, could hear them ringing in my ears, but I hesitated. As much as I longed to hear from his lips how he felt about me, I wasn't sure I was ready.

"Not yet."

To his credit, Edward revealed his disappointment only in his eyes. "Okay."

"But you can show me," I said.

The corners of his eyes crinkled with the beginnings of amusement, and his lips slid into a teasing smirk. "How would I do that?"

"However you want to." Though I didn't mean to sound suggestive, Edward's raised eyebrow told me that I most certainly did.

"Really? However I want?"

I nodded, curious as to what he would do.

Edward raised his hand to join the other that still cupped my cheek; holding me in place, he leaned in to kiss me. As soon as his lips parted against mine, I realized that I'd never once truly kissed him before this moment. He'd held so much back, even when he was out of his mind. In this kiss, he gave me everything – his passion, his abandon, his adoration, _everything_. His kisses had always made me burn, but this was something else altogether.

Understanding came with both awe and sorrow. At once I saw both the possibilities for the future and the limitations of our past. How could Edward have ever been content with the meager pecks we exchanged before? How could that have been enough?

Edward pulled away with concern in his eyes. "Are you okay? Should I not have done that?"

"No, no – it was fine. It was more than fine. It's just the first time we've kissed since I became a vampire."

Edward nodded his understanding. "Was it very different for you?"

"Yes, very."

He tilted his head. "In a good way or a bad way?"

"A good way," I said, suddenly shy. "Was it different for you?"

He nodded.

"Good or bad?" I asked him. In spite of myself, I feared his answer. Some insecurities would not be tamed. Perhaps they would never fade, were now a permanent part of my identity.

"Good," he confirmed.

I frowned.

"What? Bella, what is it?" he asked, and the worry in his expression brought to mind Alice's warnings. I knew I couldn't hide any longer. For better or worse, I had to let Edward see what I most wanted to keep covered.

"How was it ever enough for you before? Barely kissing, barely touching?"

"Bella...it was enough. It was more than I'd ever thought I would have, more than I deserved. Was it not enough for you?"

Guilty as it made me feel, I had to be honest. "I always wanted more. I wanted everything with you."

He bowed his head. "I wanted to give you everything, Bella. But if you'd been in my position – alone for almost a century, unwilling to condemn the one you loved – wouldn't it have been enough for you? If you'd been the vampire and I the human, wouldn't it have been enough?"

I tried to imagine the picture he painted. Could I have been satisfied with careful kisses, if that were the only option? Yes. With Edward, yes. But he always had another option, an option I'd been willing to embrace.

"Were you ever even tempted to change me? As much as I begged you, was it so easy to resist?"

"Easy?" Everything from his tone to his posture screamed incredulity. "Not for a moment. I'm sorry I never told you as much, but of course, for myself, I wanted it more than anything. To have you forever, without limits? That was my deepest and most selfish desire."

"Was?" I asked uncertainly.

"Is. Of course it still is. But somehow, it seems even less likely now than it did when your humanity was the biggest obstacle."

"I don't think it's all that unlikely," I murmured. His golden eyes appraised me and his hand clasped mine.

"I know you don't want me to say the words yet, but I do need you to know that my leaving had nothing to do with not loving you. I never could have left if I didn't love you so much. It would have been easier by far to stay, easier to change you, but I didn't believe I, or my world, was good for you. I didn't leave because you weren't enough, or because I was unsatisfied in any way. I want to make that perfectly clear."

How could I respond to that? Edward made his own interpretation of my pause.

"You think you would have chosen differently, I know. Maybe you would have. You've always been smarter than me. But you did the same thing I did, in your own way – you never would have believed the lies I told you if you didn't believe all along that you weren't enough to hold me. And when I said I wanted to go, you didn't put up a fight. You gave me what you thought I needed, just as I gave you what I thought you needed."

"You're right," I said, feeling the truth of his words. "If I fought you, would you have stayed?"

"I don't know." His fingers brushed over mine. "If you'd been persistent enough, you might have talked me out of it. But I was prepared for resistance."

"I hate to think I could have prevented it and didn't."

Edward shook his head. "Please, don't think that way. I brought this upon us. The question now is whether you can forgive me for what I've done."

I met his eyes again, seeing the anxiety and hope with which he gazed at me. "I already have."

**To Be Continued**


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 11)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

When the sun rose, we resumed our normal routine and went onto the beach to train. This time I felt edgy. Believing Edward didn't love me had made the work easier somehow. I had no expectations when it came to his affections; there was less pressure to impress. Now that we were rebuilding such a fragile relationship, I couldn't focus. All of the words from last night rang in my ears. I wanted to let myself feel all of the things I'd been suppressing by survival instinct. I wanted to sit back and drink him in, and I couldn't find the concentration to move my shield as I'd done before.

"Maybe we should call it a day," Edward said gently as the sun reached its highest point in the sky. "Sometimes after a big breakthrough, you need time off to process."

"I don't think that's the problem, exactly," I admitted, crushing a grain of sand between my thumb and index finger.

"What do you think the problem is, then?" he asked with his probing gaze trained on my downcast face.

"I'm just…I'm distracted. Everything we talked about last night…I'm still trying to understand what it means."

Edward didn't hesitate to curl his hand around mine, leaning forward. "What it means is that I'm yours for as long as you want me to be, in whatever way you want me to be. Beyond that, it doesn't have to mean anything. I know this is difficult for you. I have no expectations."

My lips twitched at his response. "And if I wanted you to be my eternal sex slave…?"

Edward's eyes widened and he choked out a laugh. "If that's what you want, count me in. Sounds like a sweet gig."

It was my turn to reel back in surprise. He'd never said anything like that before. It took me a moment to recover, to brave a conversation we'd never had. "That's something that's possible for us now," I observed slowly. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

Edward chuckled. "The tables have turned then, because it's been all I could do _not_ to think about it since you were changed."

Was there a phantom blush on my cheeks? "Really?"

"Really," Edward confirmed. "I think I must have given you the impression that I was some sort of monk thanks to the way I held back. In the interest of turning a new leaf, I'll go ahead and tell you now – Bella, I _want_ you. I always have."

I didn't know what to say, but the look on my face probably expressed enough.

"Do you want to go for a swim?" Edward asked, standing and brushing the sand off of his shorts. "There's a coral reef on the other side of the island. I've been meaning to show it to you."

"That sounds good," I said, thankful for the return to something casual and easy. Edward, talking to me about sex. I never thought I'd see the day.

The coral reef was undeniably beautiful, and without any awkward conversations about love and sex, we had fun together. There was a whole underwater world to explore, even if we thoroughly scared off every last fish.

When we splashed back onto shore, though, both dripping wet and laughing, my brain went right back to sex. There was no avoiding it when Edward stood before me, dazzling in the sunlight, all lean muscle and masculine angles, but with thoughts of sex came love and trust and everything else. It overwhelmed me.

"Bella?" he said in a tentative voice, pulling me from my rapidly wandering thoughts.

"Sorry," I faked a laugh, "Just spacing out."

Edward gazed levelly at me, unconvinced. "You're afraid," he said somberly.

I turned my head toward the ocean. "And?"

"And I hate for you to be afraid of anything. Especially me."

"I'm not afraid of _you_," I argued. I never feared Edward. Surely he knew that.

He stepped closer. "Then what?"

I paced away from him through the sand, feeling every grain against the soles of my feet. "I'm afraid of…feeling," I admitted. "I think maybe I don't know how anymore."

I peeked at him over my shoulder and froze. Edward's face looked entirely devastated.

"Bella…of course you can. I _know_ you. You have more heart than anymore I know, and you're also braver than anyone I know. It's okay to be afraid, but don't _ever_ doubt yourself."

I looked at his face, so painfully beautiful and totally earnest. "You really think I'm brave?"

"Bella, of course you're brave. Everything you risked to be with me…the fact that you came to my rescue after I had…" He trailed off and shook his head. "I wish I were as brave as you are."

I didn't feel brave. But then, it didn't matter if I _felt_ brave, did it? I just had to act brave.

My eyes traveled over Edward, who still looked at me as though I made his heart ache, and I let my heart ache a little bit, too. There was no denying how much I loved him, how much I wanted him. And I didn't have to deny it anymore. I could have him again, but I had to find the courage to allow it.

I took one small step toward Edward, then another. He watched each movement, and though his expression showed no expectation, his eyes failed to disguise his hope. I crept close enough that our bodies almost touched, near enough that the slightest movement would bring us together.

I was terrified. But I could be brave.

Edward remained completely still as I placed my hands on his shoulders, his skin warm from the sunshine. I stretched up on my toes to reach the right height. We stood frozen in a quiet moment, still as only two vampires could be. And then I let my lips go where they were naturally drawn, and I pressed them to his. Edward's parted mouth molded to mine, gently grasping my bottom lip between his. He felt like heaven. I allowed my body to press against his body, and his arms closed tightly around me, his fingers absently kneading the bare skin of my back as he kissed me.

With a moan, I wrapped my arms around his neck. By accident, I moved too forcefully, knocking us both into the sand.

I felt mortified, but Edward wasn't fazed. He never broke our kiss, never removed his hands from my body. I moved my hands down his flawless chest, and I shifted to straddle him, only half-consciously seeking the friction that would ease the ache I felt. When I found it, though, I let out a gasp, able to feel so much through the thin fabric that separated our bodies.

_We could have sex here and now_, I thought. There were no more physical limitations. We had only ourselves to stop us.

I felt overheated and overwhelmed, and I had no idea whether I wanted to stop right now or go all the way.

Edward panted against my lips. "Bella – Bella, I think we should stop."

Instead of feeling relieved to have the decision made for me, I was stung. "Why?"

He let out a breathy laugh. "Because this is getting…rather intense, and as much as I'd like to have sex with you on this beach, I'm not sure it's the ideal place for our first time…and it would be the first time. For both of us."

The reminder that he was as much a virgin as I was left me unsteady. The near ninety years of experience he had on me could be deceptive. Then again, it sort of shocked me to remember my own virginity. After becoming a vampire, it didn't seem as major a life event as it had when I was human. I felt…old. And in spite of the thousands of millions of years ahead of me, I was still just nineteen.

Suddenly, I wanted to cry, and my body tried to allow it, though the tears would never come. This was beyond the pain of a broken heart, beyond the loss of my humanity.

I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Edward said, misunderstanding my reaction. His hands came to rest on my face, thumbs stroking over my cheeks. "Please understand, I'm not saying I don't want to."

I shook my head a fraction. "It's not that."

"Then what?" he asked, the tension in his face matching the strain in my voice. It probably didn't help that I was still straddling his waist.

I shook my head again, unable to articulate what it was to be lost in the whole expanse of time and space.

"Talk to me, Bella," he pleaded.

I shook my head again. "I don't know how."

His pained expression hurt me all the more.

"If you can't tell me, show me," he urged softly, sitting up and forcing me to do the same. At my uncomprehending look, he added, "Show me your mind. Lift your shield."

"I can't." I hadn't been able to so much as nudge it today. Did he really think it was that simple?

"You _can_. You just haven't done it yet. Just push it away, Bella." He guided me to my feet and we stood face to face. "Please, let me see. Let me understand."

His hands cupped my cheeks again, and I knew he wasn't letting me go. I also knew I couldn't avoid this forever.

I closed my eyes, and I realized I didn't have to push. I just had to let my shield slide away from where I'd been holding it tightly around me.

I heard Edward gasp. His hands fell from my face and I felt the sand shift as he reeled away from me. Instantly, I wanted to pull my shield back to me, to hide away whatever made him recoil, but I couldn't figure out how. And there was no disguising my agony at the possibility that once he saw my mind, he wouldn't want me anymore.

"Bella," he murmured, and his voice was not its usual silk; it was low and strained. I felt his hands take mine. My eyes remained tightly closed. He tugged me down to sit in the sand as I continued to mentally scrabble for the edge of my shield.

"Bella, stop, stop. Don't hide," he whispered. "Bella, I need to know – what was it like for you when I…left?"

I tried not to think about it, desperately, but things crept through. That awful day in the woods when the world I knew ended. The catatonic days, and my tantrum when Renee tried to drag me to Florida. Jumping off a cliff just to hear his voice. Alice's arrival, seeing him again…and then it was all too much and my shield snapped mercifully back into place.

I didn't open my eyes right away. Edward's body was tense next to mine; I could feel it.

"How could you possibly forgive me?" he finally asked. His voice was angry, but I'd learned the difference between the anger he directed outward and the anger he felt at himself.

I opened my eyes to the ocean spreading before me, surprised. It wasn't what I'd expected to hear. "What do you mean?" I asked without looking at him.

He let out an odd laugh – not a happy sound. "Bella, I caused you so much pain. God, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, Bella – I didn't know."

I finally turned my head to him. "Didn't know what?" That he wouldn't be the only one hurt by his actions? That I wouldn't just get over it?

"The depth of your feelings," he said brokenly. "In all my experience, human emotions are shallow and changeable – even love. I didn't believe you could love me as much as you did – I didn't believe it was possible. And it was the height of arrogance for me to think that I knew your heart better than you did. I'm so, so sorry Bella. There's nothing that can ever make it right. And now…now you've been dropped into this new life with me as a pitiful excuse for a guide, and you're still in pain – this isn't how this should have happened."

His shoulders were shaking. I realized after a beat that he was sobbing. He looked worse than he ever had when he'd been out of his mind, and it made my heart hurt. My hand itched to reach for him and give comfort, because his pain was still my pain, but I refrained. He needed to feel this if we were ever going to move forward. That was what had been standing in my way, I realized. I'd been protecting him as much as myself by hiding the pain I'd suffered.

The sun had dipped maybe a foot lower in the sky when he rasped my name and clutched my hand. In an instant, he knelt before me, eyes pleading. "I can never make it right, never – but please, let me try. You have no idea, no idea at all how much I love you, how unconditionally – I could kill myself for leaving you any room to doubt me. How I wish I could do for you what you just did for me. Maybe if you saw firsthand what I feel for you, how I think of you, maybe you would see... that you could even think I would love you any less after hearing your mind, when it could only make me love you more…oh, Bella. I've failed you in every way."

I stared at him, unblinking, unsure what to say. With everything laid bare and nothing but remorse shining in his eyes, there was still one question left to ask.

"Do you still think you were doing the right thing when you left?"

His face crumpled. "No, Bella. Of course not. This is going to come out wrong, but…you belong with me. I never, never should have denied that."

His words rang true. As much as I might want to believe that my world didn't revolve around Edward Cullen, it did. It always had and always would.

"I'm ready for you to say it now."

It took him only part of a second to remember our words from the night before – just hours ago, though it felt like weeks. His eyes softened, and his hands fell to his sides.

"I love you, Bella."

I swallowed back a sob. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd heard him say those words.

"I don't know why," I told him.

He leaned into me, closing the gulf between us. "I love you because there's nothing else I can do when faced with all that you are. I love you because I have no choice but to love you – and even if I could choose who I loved, it would be you. Every single time."

My heart swelled. "That still doesn't make any sense."

Edward smiled. "And it makes so much sense for you to love me? I'm moody and complicated, and I've made every mistake I could possibly make when it comes to our relationship, and yet, you love me still. But it makes so much sense for me to love you, sweet girl."

"I want to believe it," I said, feeling a little fluttery. He'd never called me 'sweet girl' before.

Edward tilted his head. "Can I…is it okay for me to show you? I mean, to really express it, whenever I feel. Maybe if you realized just how constantly I'm…tripping over my love for you, you would understand."

I laughed at his choice of words. "Okay. Show me."

"There's a good chance I'll drive you completely crazy with this. I'm going to smother you, I'm sure."

I shook my head. "No way."

He shook his head right back. "You'll see."

* * *

**A/N: **This is all very shocking, I know. An update! The good news is, now that I've finished another long-awaited work in progress, I'll be devoting myself whole-heartedly to completing this story. I'll never be snappy with the updates like some authors, but I sincerely hope to never make you wait months for an update on this story again. - AJ


	12. Chapter 12

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 12)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

**A/N: Big thanks to BBEyedGirl for stepping in and beta-ing this chapter for me. She worked wonders on Bonne Foi and she's already gotten right inside my head on this one.**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

Edward took my hand as we walked back to the house. He stayed closer to me than I was used to, and the outside of his hand holding mine brushed repeatedly against my thigh.

It was definitely different.

On the porch, he stopped me. He trailed the fingers of one hand through my hair and met my eyes. "The sunset brings out all the colors in your hair," he murmured. "All the reds and golds and violets. It's so beautiful."

I swallowed at the open admiration in his eyes. And for once, when I stood wishing he would kiss me, he did. It was gentle, chaste, and he nuzzled against my nose as he pulled away.

"I want millions of sunsets with you," he said softly, and I started to wonder if he was right. I might just overdose on Edward's brand of romance.

"I – I should probably take a shower," I gulped, inching toward the door.

"Okay." He shook with silent laughter at my awkwardness. "Need someone to scrub your back?" he teased. At least, I thought he was teasing. The roguish smirk could go either way.

"Um…not this time?" I said, all high-pitched and squeaky.

Edward opened the door for me and I hurried inside. His chuckles followed behind me.

I took my time in the shower, gathering myself. I hadn't felt this…fluttery around Edward in a long time. When I emerged from the bathroom, Edward waited on the bed, sprawled out with his hands behind his head. It was such a familiar scene that it hurt my heart. How many times had he waited for me this way on my little bed in Charlie's house? It made me want to run to him like I had all the times before.

"Do you want to watch a movie in here tonight?" he asked. He patted the space beside him. "It's nice and comfy."

I blinked. "There's a TV in here?" I craned my head around. It was the first I'd heard of it.

Edward laughed and hit a button on the remote he had placed on the bedside table. A panel in the wall slid back, revealing a large flat screen.

"Of course there's a TV hiding in the wall," I muttered. "How silly of me."

Edward grinned, but otherwise looked at me expectantly. I couldn't turn him down. I reclined on the bed beside him, and he immediately scooted closer, snaking his arm beneath my neck.

"Is this okay?" he asked, showing a moment's insecurity.

I nodded and sank into the crook of his arm. He turned on the television and started up the movie, a much newer film than last night's choice – a drama of some kind. I settled in to watch but soon found myself distracted. Edward began playing with my hair before the opening credits finished. Not just playing – running his fingers through, making my scalp tingle. And as soon as I got used to that, Edward's sneaky fingers began creeping along the tender spaces behind my ear and down my neck.

I glanced his way. His eyes were trained on me.

"Are you even watching the movie?" I demanded.

"I've seen it," he shrugged.

"So…you're watching me instead." His fingers traced the shell of my ear now.

"You're much more interesting to me than any film could be. I love your reactions. Your face is so expressive."

I tucked my head into his shoulder.

"Does that make you uncomfortable? Me watching you?"

"No," I said quickly. "Well, yes, I guess, but only because I'm not used to being watched." I glanced up at him. Edward's lips curled in a wry smirk that brought the nervous flutters back.

"Not aware of it, more like. People have always watched you – me, obsessively so. You simply didn't notice – or chose not to notice. I'm not sure which."

I sat up on my elbow. "You're saying you were like this before and I didn't notice?"

He pursed his lips in thought. "Maybe not so much. I was always afraid the true extent of my…_ardor_ might frighten you away."

I raised an eyebrow. "The whole vampire thing didn't scare me off, but you still thought your _feelings_ for me would?"

He shrugged. "You have to admit, the things that spook you rarely make any sense. Vampires never gave you a moments' pause...but you had such strong feelings about marriage that I worried you might panic if you knew the enormity and the longevity of my love for you."

"Okay, yeah." The movie went completely ignored now. "But I definitely wanted forever with you. I wish you'd done it anyway – let me see how you felt, I mean."

"So do I," Edward said, and though his lips still held a slight smile, his ocher eyes were serious. "Maybe if I'd let you know the extent of what I felt, you would never have believed the lies I told you. Even though I was determined to leave, a part of me hoped you wouldn't let me."

"I couldn't have stopped you if you were determined to go," I pointed out.

"No," he acknowledged, "But if I'd left and you knew I loved you, it would have defeated the purpose, wouldn't it? You would have waited for me, or come looking for me even… Not that it made much difference in the long run. You went looking for me all the same, in your own way."

I looked away. He'd seen those desperate moments of chasing nothing more than a voice in my thoughts, of course, but talking about them was another thing.

"Bella, it destroys me that you put yourself in danger just to feel some connection to me," he said, and I knew it was the truth because I heard the pain in his voice. "I can't shake the feeling that I've brought you nothing but misery."

"That's not true," I protested. "There was happiness, Edward – so much happiness. But it wasn't what you asked to see."

"I'd like to see the happy memories," Edward said, his lips pressing against my forehead. "I wish I could show you, Bella – I didn't know real happiness before I met you."

"I believe you – you may as well stop wishing for things that can't happen," I said wryly. "But really, Edward – the summer we spent together was the happiest time of my life."

"I want to make you happy again," he said quietly, sincerely.

"You are. I'm happy right now," I said tremulously. It was a scary thing to acknowledge how much power he had over me, that he could flip my world with nothing more than a look or a single word.

His eyes held a familiar glint in the darkening room. He curled his hand around the nape of my neck and drew me in for a kiss. Like our kiss on the porch earlier, it was gentle, but unlike that kiss, it wasn't at all chaste. It was a kiss that snaked its way around my heart and squeezed until my love came gushing out.

I wound my fingers through his hair and rolled onto my back, bringing Edward and his reassuring weight over me. His thigh wedged between mine as his hands dug into my hair and his lips moved insistently against mine. For once I was content just to feel – no more questions, no more worries, no thoughts at all.

His tongue slid past my lips, stroking against mine. His mouth was sweeter than I'd ever realized as a human, and his tongue was smooth against mine. He pulled away too soon, looking down at me with blackening eyes.

"Touch me," I said without thinking.

"How do you mean?" he asked. His voice was gruff.

I traced my thumb over his bottom lip. "Touch me like you wouldn't when I was human. I want to know what you were thinking back then."

"Back then?" Edward laughed. His lips formed a wry smile. "I'm still thinking all of those things, Bella. I want you in every way possible."

"And you promised you'd show me." My mouth felt dry and if my heart still beat, it would have been pounding. "I want to be shown now."

Edward let out a soft breath that drifted sweetly over my face, and he lowered his lips to mine once more. As he forced my lips to mold and move with his, he brought his hands to the hem of my t-shirt and slid them beneath. His thumbs stroked my stomach and the protrusion of my hip bones just above my shorts. His touch woke a heat that left me starving, and I attacked his lips with tongue and teeth as his hands moved up my torso.

His fingers brushed along the undersides of my breasts. I froze in anticipation and breathed heavily against his lips. Our eyes met, mine undoubtedly as black as his. He brushed his thumbs over my achy nipples, watching my face to see my reaction. When I gasped, he kissed me hard and touched me with abandon. He kneaded my breasts and tweaked my nipples. My hips lifted off the bed and I felt the hard ridge of him through his thin lounge pants pressing against my thigh. Heaven help me, I could tell he wasn't wearing underwear. It made me want to tug his knotted drawstrings loose and dip a hand beneath.

Before I could, he moved back incrementally. "Would it be all right if I...took off your shirt?"

I swallowed. As much as I loved hearing a request like that from Edward's lips, I also wasn't wearing a bra. I'd be immediately exposed.

But I nodded anyway.

Edward eagerly pushed the t-shirt up and pulled it over my head. Before I could settle back to the mattress, I felt his eyes burning over my body.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this sight?" he sighed, briefly meeting my eyes.

"You've seen it before," I pointed out. A shadow passed over his face as we both remembered just how I'd become a vampire – an evening that had been entirely enjoyable until it wasn't. I regretted bringing it up.

"I'm not sure I was in the best frame of mind to appreciate the view. At the time, I thought you were a figment of my imagination. I didn't know I had the real thing before my eyes."

I lay quiet, watching his face as he looked at my bare breasts. I saw in his expression a feeling I'd experienced more than a few times in the face of his beauty – a longing bordering on despair.

"It almost hurts to look at you," he said softly. "I always knew you'd be beautiful, of course, but my imagination never did you justice."

"Did you imagine often?"

He understood immediately that I wanted him to give me details.

"Daily, it seems like. When we first met, I was obviously distracted by the issue of your blood...but even when I was hiding away from temptation in Alaska, my thoughts began to drift." As he spoke, his fingers moved delicately over my skin once more. "My mind would unaccountably bring up your face – your eyes, your mouth and the way it moved – and then I'd find myself remembering the blouse you wore that day and the way the fabric molded to your figure. How the buttons strained every so slightly and how the fabric dipped between your breasts."

"You thought all that before you even spoke to me?"

He laughed. His eyes were watching his thumb swirl around my nipple. I rubbed my legs together, trying to satisfy an ache I knew too well. "I believe I told you once, Bella - I may not be human, but I am a man. I devoted hours at a time to pondering what the exact color of your nipples might be. Now I know," he whispered, continuing to rub his thumb against the taut peak.

I gulped at that. "If you were thinking about my chest that early on, what was going through your head when you'd lie in bed with me all night?"

At that, he chuckled wryly. "Oh, I considered more than a few times allowing my hand to cup your breast while you slept – but I kept myself in check. I will say this - I had to move away from you constantly, afraid you'd wake up in the middle of the night to feel my arousal against you."

"Like now?" I asked, rubbing my thigh against his hardness. Feeling his arousal against me told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear, but I didn't mind Edward telling me, either.

He let out a heavy breath. "Yes, like now."

I deliberately rubbed against him again. He groaned and dropped his head to my shoulder, pressing a sucking kiss to my collarbone. I shifted impatiently. His hands had stilled on my breasts.

"There's something I really, really want to do," Edward murmured near my ear.

"Then do it." His eyes locked with mine, searching. Then his lips drifted down toward the swell of my breasts. I held my breath. His lips grazed over each bud before his tongue darted out and my back arched off the bed, seeking the warmth of his mouth. He closed his lips around the tip of my breast, and I gripped my fingers in his hair as though I could hold him to me forever. One of his arms slid beneath me, holding me to him in much the same way, but it was his other hand that had my attention. It stroked the skin below my navel before it reached the waistband of my shorts. He paused, his eyes darting up to mine.

"Yes," I breathed.

His tongue stroked wetly against my nipple as his hand dipped into my panties. We moaned at the same time when his fingers pressed against my damp center. The pressure I'd been feeling between my legs only grew, but the shock of electricity at his touch brought me one step closer to relief.

"God, that feels so good," he rasped.

"You stole my line," I laughed breathlessly. His burning eyes met mine and his fingers began to stroke lightly.

"You can't even imagine what this is like – you're so warm, soft, wet. It's impossible not to imagine how it would feel to make love to you."

I whimpered. His finger brushed over my clit. Now I was imagining, too. Finally he dipped two fingers inside me – just the tips at first, but then deeper with each pass. His lips drifted up my chest and neck and found mine, and I kissed him fiercely while he worked my body with deft fingers. My hands squeezed at his shoulders and drifted down his chest, finding only frustration at the barrier of his shirt between my palms and his skin.

"Take this off?" I pleaded, tugging the hem up.

He pulled away and was back a half-second later, now wonderfully shirtless. I stroked down his chest to the fine hair just beneath his navel. His breath hitched and his thumb pressed hard against my clit.

On impulse, I thrust my hand under the waistband of his sweatpants and grasped his his hardened shaft.

He hissed at the contact and pumped his fingers faster. The pleasure was beautifully intense. I moved my hand in a rhythm that matched his, the fire within me blazing ever higher, his breath growing louder with each pant that left his lips. I had to marvel at the softness of the skin beneath my fingers, the firmness of what lie beneath the skin – I wanted it inside of me more than I dared admit.

"Jesus, Bella, do you know how many times I've fantasized about your hand on my cock?" Edward whispered. Holy hell, did Edward Cullen just say _cock_? I whimpered, wanting all the filthy words he'd thought and never said.

Edward's fingers worked rapidly against me, manipulating my clit until my legs were quivering, and I matched his intensity as much as I could. I was about to fall apart, and I intended for him to fall with me.

"Come, Bella, _please_," he panted, touching his forehead to mine, and his lips brushed against mine desperately. I gripped him harder and his thumb rubbed faster over my clit.

The wave came over me unexpectedly, sending acute pleasure crashing through my body, pleasure like I'd never known before, and my hands on his body were my only connection to the earth. I never wanted the beautiful sensation to end. I never wanted Edward to stop touching me.

He didn't take his hand away until I was a whimpering, shaking mess, but it didn't take me long to realize that he was still completely hard in my hand. I met his eyes and began stroking him for all I was worth, determined to do to him what he'd done to me.

His eyes remained locked with mine the entire time, his breath falling in sharp pants against my lips. A surge of _power_ swept through me like I'd never known. Edward's desire was written clearly across his face, and I literally held his satisfaction in my hands.

"Bella, I'm close," he grunted. My breath hitched in reaction and that seemed to set it off. Edward let out a strangled groan and closed his eyes. I closed mine too as I felt his release against my stomach, his hips jerking into my hand. For the first time, I saw him give up control and it was absolutely beautiful.

In a still, quiet moment we lay together, simply breathing. I could smell our scents mingling in the air. We smelled right together.

Edward reached for his discarded shirt and used it to clean us up. The rest could wait for a shower later, and besides, I wasn't sure I minded the remnants of what we'd just shared sticking around a while longer.

He came to rest on his side beside me, his nose nuzzling gently in my hair. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, taking in his sweet lilac and honey scent. As content as I was with what had just happened, I already craved more. I turned my head and peeked at him and saw the same thing reflected in his eyes. He smiled at me, and I knew neither of us would be pursuing "more" tonight. Now was the time to savor what we'd found together.

"You were beautiful," Edward sighed. "The expression on your face when you came...I want to see that again and again."

"You were beautiful, too," I rasped, unable to communicate just how I'd felt bringing him to release. Being the cause of his pleasure gave me more self-assurance than anything he'd said tonight, and his words had done quite a lot.

Edward brought a blanket up from the foot of the bed and pulled it over my shoulders, covering my bare body. I snuggled close to him and closed my eyes as he wrapped an arm around me. This would have been a perfect time to sleep, but instead my mind stayed alert and my thoughts raced, recounting a thousand times how my body had pulsed at his touch. One thought in particular, a memory of the last time he'd touched me intimately, continued to nag at me.

I gave in. "Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"What...what was it, exactly, that made you bite me?" I took a deep, wholly unnecessary breath as I looked up at his smooth, calm face. "I mean, I know you were thirsty and hadn't hunted, of course, but...what set you off?"

His eyes met mine, molten gold through the darkness. His jaw flexed and relaxed. "Somehow I'd gotten the idea in my head that if I bit you, I could keep you," he admitted softly. I felt a tightness in my chest, something between joy and pain.

"In a way, it was true, wasn't it?"

I felt his outward breath flutter my hair. "That, Bella, is for you to decide."

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry, you guys. I always say I'm going to make a big push on this story and then leave you hanging. This is my only WIP now, so I hope I'll be better for you.**

**Also, no, I'm not going to start posting re-caps at the beginning of each chapter. When I can't remember what happened last in a story, I go back and skim the last chapter. You can, too.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 13)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

The days following my breakthrough were a fine balance. Edward and I both agreed that it was important to continue moving forward with my gift, though Edward insisted I not push myself beyond my limits for his sake. So it was that we spent our days training – or goofing off – and spent our nights fighting a growing desire for more than we'd had thus far.

It was difficult for me to be patient, though I knew it was for the best. We were both emotionally raw, and if I was completely honest, I enjoyed seeing Edward sweat a little. Every time I pulled away from a kiss now, I could see his restraint and hunger. It was nice to feel I wasn't the only one having to hold back.

Edward, for his part, was keeping his promise not to hide his feelings or suppress his affection.

"You know, I'm very fond of that bathing suit," Edward told me one morning when I walked out of the house to join him on the beach. We'd planned to swim again after some practice with my shield.

"Alice packed it," I told him, looking down at the skimpy polka-dot monstrosity that I'd learned to live with. "I would have preferred a one-piece."

Edward smiled. "You would have preferred to hide yourself away," he said, and I couldn't argue. "I hope one day you're sufficiently convinced of your own beauty that you won't attempt to keep it concealed."

I shrugged uncomfortably. "You know I don't love attention."

He laughed and held out his hand to me. "Yes, I know."

I took his hand and walked down the beach with him. We settled in a sunny spot just out of reach of the water's edge. Edward knelt facing me, and I tucked my legs beneath me.

"Will you try to show me something else today? You promised me a happy memory."

"I'll try," I swallowed, made unaccountably nervous by the hopeful gleam in his eyes. So far, I'd been unable to push away my shield for sustained periods of time. In the one instance that I had completely lifted my shield, it had felt easy to let it fall – but outside the emotionally charged atmosphere of that day, I couldn't do it. I felt naked every time I let the shield go and had to work hard to keep it from snapping back into place.

I focused first on what I wanted to show him. There were so many memories from the summer we spent together before he left, but some of them were horribly fuzzy after my change, and it was hard to choose from among the clear ones.

Eventually, I settled on one. "Okay," I breathed.

With my eyes closed, I tried first to get the shield to drop. Some days, I couldn't do it at all. Some days I could only nudge it. When I felt it go, I heard Edward's quiet exhale. It still baffled me that he loved my mind as much as he did. Surely my thoughts weren't that interesting.

"They _are_," he chuckled. I winced. I always forgot to filter my thoughts once I let him in.

"A memory," he reminded me gently. The shield was fighting me, trying to clamp back down. I clenched my fists. This time, I would win.

I cast my mind to the day I wanted to show him. The mild, overcast day in June had felt like paradise. We'd driven to Pike's Place Market in Seattle, Edward's idea once he found out I'd never been. We'd wandered hand-in-hand through stalls and stalls of produce. Edward had me sampling everything, wanting to know what I liked and why, what I didn't like and why. It didn't take me long to realize that Edward intended to buy at least a pound of everything I said I liked, and I'd started to lie. I had to say I disliked some things just to keep from having more food than I could possibly eat. After produce, it was artisan cheeses and freshly baked bread, smoked meats and chocolate candies, and I remembered thinking he must have been trying to fatten me up before he ate me.

"That's terrible," Edward chastised, but he was chuckling. My concentration wavered and my shield almost snapped back, but I held it off.

"Sorry," Edward murmured.

I returned to the memory. Edward had been delightfully carefree as we toted our purchases to the Volvo where he had a cooler waiting. He'd teased me about the cherry juice around my lips until I reached to swat at him, and he'd caught me and kissed me fervently. I'd been dazed as we returned to the market to look at antiques and used books and delicate handmade trinkets. Edward found an old gramophone that he swore had once sat in his father's study. I made him tell me as much as he could remember. My heart had been so full as I learned about Edward as a boy. His exuberance in telling me about his past made me love him even more, something I'd thought impossible. And when he told me how much he would have liked to take me out to a silent movie, how he might have even dared to steal a kiss once the lights went down, I felt sure that he really did love me enough for forever.

Suddenly Edward's lips crashed against mine, and my eyes flew open as I lost my tenuous control over my shield. Edward retreated just enough to look into my eyes, his hands cradling my face.

"I love you, sweet girl," he said and pressed his forehead to mine. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," I laughed breathlessly, "But you probably figured that out."

Edward sighed. "I hate that there was ever a time when you could doubt that I absolutely adored you – but I'm glad to learn I didn't always fail in showing you how I felt. Thank you for sharing that with me."

"You're welcome," I whispered. "I really was happy then."

"I know...I felt it," he smiled wistfully. "Do you think...could you be that happy with me again?"

"Yes," I told him without hesitation. It was all too easy to picture the two of us at Pike's Place now – not so much in the produce section, but enjoying the market, teasing one another, holding hands and engaging in shameless public displays of affection. It would be even better now that I knew there was no expiration date on our relationship, nor reason for restraint.

"I wish I could have heard your thoughts just now," Edward said, carefully watching my expression. "What's going through your mind?"

I grinned at him. "Maybe I'll tell you later, if you're good today."

He laughed at that. "Not fair, Bella. I find it impossible to behave myself with you."

The predatory glint in his amber eyes had me hoping he'd behave very badly indeed.

The days ticked by. Every night seemed to go the same way these days. Edward and I would shower to wash away the day – separately, though the thought of asking him to scrub my back had occurred a time or two – and then we would go to the den or the living room or the bedroom. We would watch a movie or read together or play a board game. Any board game save Monopoly, that is – I refused to play with him anymore now that I knew he'd figured out years ago how to toss the dice to get just the number he wanted. I'd ended up bankrupt in less than twenty minutes when we'd played. It sucked.

But whether we played Monopoly or watched re-runs, I always found myself too distracted by Edward to be an active participant – but Edward was always staring at me anyway, so we generally ended up making out like horny teenagers...which I suppose, in a way, we were. Sometimes we brought each other to climax with eager touches in the dark, but we never went further.

Tonight, I suspected things would be different. I'd been especially preoccupied with Edward all day. Anything he did drove me to distraction, from the slightest hand gesture to the softest word from his lips. I'd been aroused all day, and I knew by the looks he gave me that he could tell.

I'd never felt so completely overcome before.

Maybe it was a vampire thing that I didn't know, or maybe it was just a human thing I'd never experienced. Either way, I could only listen to Edward reading E.M. Forster for ten minutes before I had to wrench the book out of his hands and claim his lips.

I let my kisses do the talking. My tongue tangled up with his, and the next thing I knew, Edward's right hand was up my shirt and his left was gripping my behind. Every movement of my hips brought me into renewed contact with his arousal, which only reminded me how he'd felt in my hand – that soft, smooth skin that surely would feel magical inside me...

"Bella," Edward panted, "I think –"

But whatever he thought was cut off by the shrill ringing of his phone. Knowing the call was likely a Cullen, I reluctantly moved off Edward's lap so he could fish his phone out of his pocket. I saw Alice's name on the screen before he answered.

"This has got to be the most astonishingly bad timing you've ever had," Edward growled. The sound made my legs feel wobbly.

"Well, I'm _sorry_, Edward. I still can't see you all the time," Alice snapped back. "I just wanted to check on you and Bella and see if Jasper and I could visit tomorrow."

Edward glanced at me. I nodded.

"Sure, Alice. Will you let us know when you're on your way?"

"Why?" Alice asked slyly. "Is there something we might interrupt?"

Edward rubbed a hand over his face, too much of a gentleman to admit to anything. I snatched the phone from him, much to his bemusement.

"Yes, Alice, there are things you might interrupt," I told her. "And you _seriously_ interrupted just now."

"Oh, really?" Alice sang. "Should we delay our visit? If you and Edward are finally relieving some sexual tension, I'd hate to disrupt you."

"Could you just give us until nine in the morning before you come to the island?" I asked. I bit my lip and met Edward's eyes. His eyebrows were raised at me.

"Nine!" Alice all but crowed. "Jasper, Bella's planning to do the dirty with Edward until nine in the morning!"

"Yes, I gathered that," Jasper said in the background. I covered my face in mortification.

"Alice, we're not – we're just getting comfortable with each other again, okay?"

"Sure," Alice said skeptically. "Fine, we'll give you your space. But I want a big update on how things are going tomorrow, okay?"

Her genuine concern for us was evident in her tone, and I felt guilty for getting so absorbed in Edward that I'd forgotten to talk to my best friend. "Of course, Alice. We'll have a nice long talk tomorrow."

We said goodbye, and I returned the phone to Edward.

"Just getting comfortable, huh?" he said with a smirk. I felt an answering smile tugging at my lips. We'd definitely gotten more than comfortable.

"What were you going to say before she called?" I asked. "Were you going to say we should stop?"

"No," he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Actually, I was going to say it was time to take your shirt off. But Alice -"

I pulled my shirt over my head, and he stopped speaking abruptly.

"You were saying?" I prompted as his eyes trained on my bare breasts. I was growing addicted to the way he looked at my body – raw lust tinged with wonder. I probably looked at him the same way.

Edward shook his head and beckoned me closer. "Never mind – it wasn't important."

I found my way back into his lap and watched Edward wet his lips, his eyes locked with mine. I leaned in to kiss him, pressing my bare body into his clothed one. My nipples hardened at the contact and the desire I'd fought all day overcame me again.

My hands clenched around the hem of his T-shirt and pulled. The fabric ripped, and Edward's breath hitched.

"Whoops," I mumbled against his mouth. He laughed while I pulled off the scraps of his shirt, and he drew me to him. I let out a breath at the glorious sensation of skin on skin. The sparks that had always flown between us at the merest touch were firing off by the thousands now. My body felt flushed all over, even though that was impossible now, and I felt his chest lifting with each heavy breath he took. His palms flattened against my back and I whimpered at the look in his eyes.

"Edward...I want more tonight."

"More than what?" His hands slid to my ass, drawing me closer.

"You're going to make me say it?" I complained.

"No, that wouldn't be very gentlemanly," he smiled. "I'll tell you what I want, then. I want to put my mouth on you."

His mouth on me...I had a feeling he wasn't talking about kissing my elbows. I thought about his mouth down there, his beautiful lips closing around my clit...

"You really want to do that?" I asked breathlessly.

In answer, he flipped me to my back on the couch. "It's been one of my most frequent fantasies since I met you," he admitted. I tried to wrap my head around his words as he unburdened me of my shorts.

"I can't even fathom that," I told him. His hands crept up my thighs toward the hem of my panties.

"Is it so surprising?" he asked, catching the lace at my hips. He slowly began to pull, sinking to his knees on the floor beside the couch. "As delectable as your blood once seemed to me, your arousal always smelled even better. Still does."

My panties hit the floor and his hands were immediately on my ankles, spreading my legs as they slid upward. I'd never felt more exposed, but I found I liked this kind of exposure. I liked him seeking out the most secret part of me.

He was almost there. My thighs quivered with my anticipation.

"I've thought about putting my mouth on you, too," I blurted out. His hands gripped my thighs and his eyes shot up to mine. Looking down my naked body at him made me shiver.

"You have?"

I nodded and his hands moved up to the apex of my thighs. I watched his fingers part me, watched his gaze turn rapt as his thumb stroked lightly down my slit. I couldn't tear my eyes away, but oh, how I wanted to close them at the pleasure.

"I'd heard all kinds of stories," I told him as he teased me with his fingers. "You know the things you hear in high school. They made it sound awful, but – oh!" I gasped. His lips pressed wetly against my inner thigh and crept inward with small kisses. "But I thought you would probably taste pretty wonderful."

He groaned and touched his lips to my clit. My legs jerked in reaction.

"Oh, wow," I breathed, still struggling to watch him. The way he looked crouched between my legs ought to be photographed and framed: his long fingers curled around my thighs, his hair brushing against my skin, the cut of his jaw as it flexed.

His mouth opened and his tongue flattened against me, wet and warm and velvety. My fingers punctured the arm of the couch as I cried out.

Edward pulled away minutely. "Maybe you should hold onto me instead," he suggested as he pulled my hands away from the upholstery. I buried my fingers in his hair and held on tight as his lips and tongue began to explore.

I realized he hadn't been exaggerating – he _really_ wanted this. Edward's mouth moved continuously, hungrily against me. Lapping. Sucking. Nipping. Trying to get his tongue deeper inside. I writhed absolutely wantonly against the couch. The feeling of his tongue laving my clit had me rocketing toward orgasm. The feeling of being voraciously desired had me ready to weep.

I felt his fingers at my entrance, pushing inside. My muscles clamped around him instantly and I arched into his touch. He thrust his fingers in and out of me and there was no way I would last long with him doing that and licking me at the same time – but I wasn't ready for it to be over.

"Just let go," he murmured against me, then sucked my clit between his lips. The pressure built up quite suddenly, approaching an unbearable singularity until finally, it burst into a thousand points of beautiful, glorious light radiating outward from my overstimulated sex.

I knew I'd cried out his name because I heard it echoing in the room. I knew I'd thrown back my head because I couldn't see him anymore. I knew he hadn't stopped because _it was still happening_, wave after wave of pulsing sensation.

I remained on that heavenly plateau for God-knows-how-long until Edward finally began to ease.

After bringing me down slowly, Edward pulled away. I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that I was naked on a couch on an island off the coast of Brazil with Edward, coming down from a sexual high.

I let out a giggle and turned my eyes to Edward. He watched me worriedly as I giggled again. It couldn't be helped. Edward looked an absolute mess.

"What is so funny?" Edward demanded even as his lips started to twitch. I let an all-out laugh escape and Edward laughed at me in turn. I sat up, still laughing, and snatched my T-shirt from the floor.

"Seriously, Bella, what?" Edward urged, joining me on the couch. I wriggled into my shirt and peeked over at him. His shorts were tented. Seeing the perfect outline of him, I suddenly wasn't so amused...but I was turned on again.

"I just – I can't believe we just did...that. I can't believe _you_ just did that. It's so surreal."

Edward pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Is it surreal because you never thought it would happen, or surreal because it still seems strange for it to happen now?"

"A little bit of both, I guess," I said, tugging down the hem of my shirt. It barely reached my thighs. His eyes followed my fingers, his gaze hot on my skin, and I tingled with the knowledge of his desire. He'd never shown that to me when I was human, and in all my fantasies, I'd never comprehended just how exhilarating sexual exploration might be. "It's not just surreal because it's you and me doing these things – it's surreal because I've never done anything like this before. And just because it's surreal doesn't mean I'm not ecstatic about it."

Edward smiled at that. "I loved doing that to you. I've seen the act in so many minds over my lifetime, but I never really _got it_ until now. Already I can't wait to taste you again."

My breath hitched. There were no words for how much I already wanted his mouth on me again...but instead, I slipped to the floor and knelt in front of him.

Edward's eyes widened and he ran his tongue over his lower lip while he watched me settle between my legs. "You're right...it's surreal," he murmured, watching my every move.

"Yeah," I agreed, placing my hands on his knees. "It is."

Suddenly, I felt unsure. I'd never done this before, after all, and it wasn't like we were in the heat of the moment with him touching and me responding. I could very well make a fool of myself.

"Bella...whatever you do or don't want to do is fine by me. I mean, whatever you do will be perfect. There's no pressure."

I met his tender gaze and I understood that he really expected nothing from me now.

I bit my lip, battling back all the insecurities. There was so much about all of this that I just didn't know – sex was foreign to me. And even though he was a virgin too, he'd accumulated a lifetime of knowledge from others' minds.

"Bella, there is _nothing_ you can do that will make me stop loving you," he swore.

His haunted expression told me he'd already considered every single horrible thing I could do, and none of those things would make the slightest difference.

It made me want to give him everything.

I ran my hands up his firm thighs and hooked my fingers into the elastic waistband of his gray cotton sweatpants. He lifted his hips slightly, and I slowly pulled them away. As usual, he hadn't bothered with underwear. I wondered if he only did that while on isolated tropical islands or what.

I tossed his pants behind me. It was sort of ridiculous how beautiful he was naked. He was all long and lean from broad shoulders down to well-defined arms, from a solid chest down to washboard abs and a perfect V between his thighs pointing to a masterpiece that ought to be rendered in marble and displayed in the Louvre.

I looked up his body to his darkening eyes. "Tell me if I do anything...wrong."

Edward huffed out a laugh. "Impossible."

Impossible had never been so impossible for me, but I hoped he was right. I took a deep breath and started with what I already knew. I grasped him in my hands and simply touched, studying and exploring. Most of our touching had happened beneath clothing, so I'd never really _seen_ him before. His..._cock_...was sort of pretty, though I'd never say that to him, and I found to my surprise that I felt no aversion whatsoever to putting it in my mouth. I _wanted_ it, even.

With his gaze burning down on me, I braced my arms on his thighs and leaned in to take the tip into my mouth.

Edward's hips jerked, and I reared back. "Sorry," he hastily apologized. "I wasn't prepared for how it would feel."

I smiled at that and lowered my mouth again, taking him in further this time. I'd been right in my speculations. The smooth skin under my tongue was sweet as his mouth with a hint of saltiness. Enjoying this was a relief to me, but even better were his reactions. I pressed my tongue against him and he moaned. I sucked and he groaned. I let him touch the back of my throat and he whimpered.

His fingers grazed my cheek and I looked up at him. His eyes watched me reverently, and I felt like sex incarnate.

"You _are_," Edward breathed, and I pulled away abruptly. I knew for certain I hadn't said that out loud – my mouth had been otherwise occupied, after all.

"Can you _hear_ me right now?" I demanded.

"Um, you just closed off again," he said, looking dazed. "But I've heard you a few times tonight. You let your guard down some when you're..." he hesitated. "Aroused, I suppose."

"Is it...okay?" I asked, not sure what I could do about it if it weren't. "Do you mind hearing me while we're...?"

His hand cupped my cheek. "Your thoughts are the sexiest thing about you."

I raised an eyebrow. "The sexiest?" I mean, I'd always been a little insecure about my breasts, but I felt a little offended on their behalf – they ought to trump my brain in the sexy department, surely?

Edward gave a lopsided grin. "I said _one_ of the things. There are many," he said, and his eyes lingered on my chest.

Well, that was better.

"Come here, Bella," Edward said huskily, beckoning me into his lap. I crawled up, though I felt a little hurt that he didn't want me to finish. Edward pulled me against his body and I gasped when the head of his cock brushed against my clit.

"You...you are the sexiest creature in the world," he told me, shifting enough to create friction between us. I whimpered.

"Edward..." I began uncertainly. The way he was moving was awfully close to doing _it_, and I didn't think we were ready for that.

"Just this for tonight," he said, brushing his lips against mine. "Feeling you against me...that's enough. That's what I want right now," he breathed, and he rubbed against me again. I closed my eyes. Yes, feeling him sliding against my wet sex and rubbing against my clit was more than enough – enough to make my eyes cross, and enough to make me come again.

"You're so beautiful...so sensual," he moaned as his hips lifted again and again, constantly stimulating us both. "Do you have any idea? Do you know how hard it was not to come the instant you put your mouth on me? Can you ever comprehend how it turned me on to taste you and know all that arousal was for me?"

His questions were rhetorical, but I hissed out a long, "Yes," just the same. His body moved with such power and purpose beneath mine, and heaven help me if I didn't want to shift just a bit and take him inside.

When his hands came up to knead at my breasts beneath my shirt, I opened his eyes. Edward watched me intently, and beneath his feral gaze, my orgasm began to build. I writhed against him, seeking just the right pressure to put me over the edge.

"I'll get you there," he promised, sitting up straighter. The new angle was exactly what I needed, and his arms closed around me, holding me in place as he pressed harder and harder. My legs started to tingle, and it was too much for me to arch into his thrusts, so I let him take over completely.

"Oh, God," I breathed, tense all over and so, so close.

"Bella – I'm gonna – _fuck_ -" he grunted, throwing his head back against the couch, and between that word from his lips and his release against my stomach, I snapped.

"Edward," I gasped as a wave of heat swept over my body, my hips jerking to find more of the too-hot ecstasy. All my nerve-endings came to life and seized with pleasure. Edward held me clutched to him as I rode it out, grinding against his still-hard cock while he moaned in my ear. When it became too much sensation, when I thought my body would simply implode with any more pleasure, I slumped against him, feeling his chest rise and fall with heavy breaths.

It was the first time I'd felt sort of worn out as a vampire.

I buried my face in the crook of Edward's shoulder and nuzzled his neck. I never wanted to move.

"We should get cleaned up," Edward whispered. He sounded as reluctant to interrupt the moment as I felt. "Would you like to shower with me?"

It was ridiculous that the thought of showering with Edward put butterflies in my stomach after all we'd just done, but I'd come to the conclusion that I was pretty ridiculous most of the time. I nodded, and Edward stood with me still cradled in his arms and carried us both to the bathroom.

* * *

**A/N: So, this one was a little longer for you, and hopefully fulfilling. Making better time, too!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Title:** A Madman's Mercy (Ch 14)

**Authors:** Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

**Rating:** M/NC-17

**Category:** Angst, Drama

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Summary:** New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

Edward and I stood on the dock waiting for Alice and Jasper to arrive. I was trying to brace myself for Alice's inevitable interrogation, but my thoughts continuously returned to the shower we'd just left and the water running in rivulets down Edward's body. I glanced over at him to find him already looking back at me. Edward smiled and held out his hand, which I took gladly.

"You don't have to tell her anything if you don't want to," Edward said, squeezing my hand. I looked down at our intertwined fingers; his hand was so much larger than mine.

"I think I want to talk to her about some of it. Is that okay?" I asked, meeting his eyes. I didn't want to violate his privacy...perhaps he didn't want Alice to know what we'd been doing.

"Of course it's okay." His thumb rubbed my hand reassuringly. "I'm glad you feel like you can talk to Alice. You _should_ have someone you can talk to about...well, everything."

"Thank you," I said. More and more lately, it became clear to me that Edward was always thinking of me – my needs, my wants, the things I didn't even realize I needed or wanted – and I wondered just how oblivious I'd been not to notice before. It was also humbling. As much as I'd loved him as a human, I was more convinced than ever that I'd never deserved him. I'd been so wrapped up in my own view of our relationship, what I believed to be the correct view, that I'd never spent much time considering his side of things.

I still knew I'd been right – wanting him to change me, wanting forever – but I should have spent more time listening to him, looking at things from his perspective. And I would now.

"Are you going to be all right today? You struggled last time with…the noise."

He shrugged. "Alice can be quite loud in her own mind, but I can handle it. And Jasper is always easy to be around – when he wants to be, anyway."

I smiled at that. "What happens if you really, really piss Jasper off?"

He winced. "If he's out-of-control angry, everyone gets a little irritable. If he's _in_ control, he'll make you miserable. Literally."

"Note to self – do not make Jasper angry. Will not like Jasper when angry."

I smiled to myself when he chuckled. I loved making him laugh. "Will you go to hunt on the mainland again?"

"Probably. I don't want to deplete the wildlife population on the island to the point where you have to go too long between feedings."

"Don't worry about me," I insisted. "I don't want you suffering because you have to wait to go to the mainland."

"That's the thing, Bella. I'm used to going a while without feeding – the pain isn't as bad for me as it would be for you if you had to go several weeks right now."

"If you say so." I squeezed his hand to let him know I appreciated the sentiment. "Where are they, anyway? I've never known Alice to be anything less than perfectly punctual."

Edward's lips twitched. "They're almost here – I can hear them. Jasper stalled her. He was worried we wouldn't be…presentable in time, based on his experience with newborn vampires. Alice has the boat at full speed trying to get here, though."

"You can hear the boat?" I couldn't hear anything but the usual sounds of the ocean before us and the forest behind us. Maybe I was defective.

"Not the boat. Their thoughts."

My head swiveled toward him. "Wow. I didn't realize just how far away you could hear people. You can't hear the mainland from here, can you?"

He shook his head. "No, not at all. I can only hear Alice and Jasper from so far away because their minds are very familiar to me."

"Hmm." I leaned against his shoulder, not satisfied with merely holding his hand. "It must get exhausting hearing everyone around you. Trying to process all that information…trying to protect their privacy."

Edward pressed his cheek against the top of my head. "It can be difficult, yes."

"Difficult," I snorted. Despite the understatement, I could hear the near century of struggle in his voice. At that moment, I resolved to work a thousand times harder on my own gift. I couldn't give Edward much, but maybe I could give him a reprieve from the voices, even beyond the point when he regained control of his ability.

A distant rumble reached my ears, and I focused my eyes on the horizon. I knew the sound of that engine. It took another couple minutes for the boat to come in sight, a small shape on the water. Even so, my vampire eyes could clearly make out Alice at the wheel waving at us, with Jasper seated next to her, smiling fondly at her exuberance.

I glanced at Edward, and it was impossible to miss the tension in his face, a tightening around the eyes, a stiffness in his smile.

"I'm fine," he said, catching my look. "Alice is very excited today. It'll be better once she calms down. And they both have a lot of…questions for us."

"Both of them?" I expected an inquisition from Alice, but Jasper never seemed like the nosy type.

"Don't worry. Jasper's not going to ask you anything directly. He has his own way of getting answers."

I could just imagine.

We stood quietly as the boat came into the small harbor formed by the island. As soon as they were docked at the short pier, Alice came bounding toward us, arms outstretched.

She hugged us both together, her head nestled between ours, and I had a flashback to my early childhood when I still dared to dream that my parents might be together again – how it would be to know they were together and all was right with the world.

Apparently, Alice had similar feelings.

"You both look…so much better," she said, pulling away with a little sigh. I glanced at Edward, and his expression made my lips twitch.

"Thanks, Alice," I said. "Were we looking that bad before?"

She shrugged, and Jasper approached behind her, offering us a relaxed grin.

"You were both kind of a mess for a while," Alice said, and I had to acknowledge that. I was the one who'd been jumping off cliffs, after all.

Jasper arched an eyebrow. "In more ways than one. The mood on this island has vastly improved, I must say."

I smiled, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward smiling, too. There was so much smiling all around that it was starting to feel like too much – like it might snap if I wasn't careful.

"Okay, Bella, I can't take it anymore," Alice declared, grabbing me by the arm. "It's time for girl talk. Boys, behave yourselves."

"Yes, ma'am," Jasper said, and I managed to squeeze Edward's hand before I was dragged away from him. The loss of that simple touch became a pang in my chest, and I was grateful that I would have years on this island to get my fill of him.

* * *

Alice took me across the island to a more secluded beach. I'd seen it on my explorations but never spent much time there. Someone in years past had made a makeshift fire-pit with sections of a tree trunk as seating. She tugged me to sit and I did so a little too immediately, causing the wood beneath me to crack.

"Nice," Alice chuckled.

"Hey! Take it easy, I'm still new at this," I shot back. Breaking things was actually something of a rarity for me, but of course it would happen now that I had a new audience.

"I know. It's a little too easy to forget, actually. You're so…calm. Most newborns are like…well, have you ever seen a human on meth?"

My eyes widened. "That bad?"

Alice nodded. "Frenetic, irrational, violent – a perfect storm of instability. And the fact that they're too strong to be controlled just exacerbates things exponentially."

I looked down at my hands in my lap, contemplative. "Why do you think I'm not like that?"

"Who knows? Maybe it's because you haven't really been exposed to a live human; maybe you're just special. I'm guessing it's the latter."

"Maybe," I said, unconvinced.

Alice shook her head and sat up straighter. "Never mind that now. We have something much more important to talk about."

I waited for a blush that never came.

"Well?" Alice demanded. "Last time we talked, you were kind of unsure. Then last night…I don't need the gory details. There are things a girl never wants to know about her brother. But I am curious as to how things are going."

"After you called the first time, we talked…I'm starting to understand better. And we're moving forward. But the day after was kind of…intense."

An arched eyebrow was Alice's response, and I shook my head. "Not that kind of intense. Everything was just so sudden and I kind of had a meltdown where I managed to drop my shield so Edward could hear my thoughts…and he asked me to show him what it was like for me when he left."

"Oh boy." I smiled wryly; Alice could guess how he'd reacted.

"Yeah. He was…upset. But after he apologized again, he decided to make sure I'd never have any reason to doubt his feelings for me again…and since then, things have been more the good kind of intense."

Alice grinned at that, but her deep-gold eyes remained serious. "I've never really apologized to you for what happened, have I?"

"It wasn't your fault," I said automatically.

"No, but I should have done more. I should have told you what he intended to do. I owed you that, and I failed you."

"He's your brother, Alice. I don't blame you for doing what he asked."

"Maybe you should. I knew what Edward was doing was wrong, and I owed it to him as much as to you to prevent it. I tried to tell him, but he wasn't in any frame of mind to listen. And Jasper was such a mess at that time…I let it happen because I figured he would come to his senses quickly. Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough, but I didn't see what it would do to him, and I didn't see what it would do to you in the long term."

"You did the best you could. I'm starting to think maybe it's all for the best that it happened this way. I mean, if Edward had come back to me on his own, he still would have wanted to keep me human. And if I hadn't seen what happened when Edward thought I was dead, I'd have a harder time believing the truth than I already do."

"Is it still so hard for you to believe?"Alice asked sadly.

"It's Edward. A part of me will always think he's too good to be true."

Alice smiled at that.

"It's not very feminist, is it? I should be thinking that _of course_ Edward would want me, of course I deserve all that and more…but he deserves the best, too."

"Well, he has it," Alice said, giving my arm a squeeze. "So, your shield. You're making progress, then?"

"Sort of." I kicked at the sand around my feet. "That first time, it dropped completely, but I have to work really hard to push it away now. Sometimes I can keep it up long enough to share a memory with Edward, but usually it just…snaps right back automatically."

"Hmm." Alice looked out to the water. "You said it just dropped when you had your meltdown. Are there any other times when it's easier?"

I bit my lip, and it gave me away.

"Tell me," Alice said with a nudge to my side. "Maybe I can help."

"Well," I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, "It slips sometimes without my noticing when Edward and I are…um…"

"Ohh. That makes sense."

I shot her a skeptical glance. "It does?"

Alice nodded. "It sounds to me like you have an easier time when your guard is down. When you're in the middle of a really emotional moment, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And those other times…well, let's just say you're opening yourself up to Edward a bit more than usual."

I winced at the innuendo. "_Alice_."

"Bella, you're going to have to get used to the idea that in this family, there is no privacy. With a mind-reader, an empath and a psychic in one house, added to the fact that we all have exceptional hearing, everyone always knows everyone else's business."

"Does it ever make you crazy?" I wondered. I didn't know how I would handle everyone knowing what went on between Edward and me. Just the thought of Carlisle or Esme overhearing us made me cringe.

"Sometimes, but the lack of privacy makes us all pretty respectful of each other. We try not to listen or see things we shouldn't, and we don't bring it up. Well, save Emmett. He can be a loud-mouth."

"No, really?" I deadpanned.

"Shocking, I know." Alice's eyes lost focus for a moment, seeing something far beyond me sitting beside her. "The boys will be back in about an hour. Want to show me around the island before they get here? I've never really explored it before."

"Sounds great."

* * *

By the time Jasper and Edward returned, Alice and I were lying out on the beach in front of the house, taking in the sun. I managed not to look up when I heard the boat pulling in, but when I heard footsteps in the sand, I couldn't keep from pushing up on my elbows and looking for Edward. His warm smile took me back to a time when our relationship was new…and I realized it still felt new. Maybe it always would.

Edward sank to the ground beside me and before I could wonder whether I should lean over and kiss him like I wanted, his lips were on mine. The pressure of his mouth probably seemed chaste to Alice and Jasper, but I could feel the urgency that lay beneath.

He'd missed me. I smiled against his lips, glad I wasn't the only one who didn't care for separation.

"Get a room, you two," Jasper teased. We broke apart and I ducked my head, embarrassed, but Edward reached past me to shove at Jasper's shoulder.

"Last I checked, we had a whole island," he retorted.

"So sorry," Jasper said in a tone that was distinctly _not_ sorry.

"Speaking of the island," Alice piped up, "Esme and Carlisle are on their way down to Rio. They would have been down sooner, but Carlisle had to square things away at Cornell. Esme's just dying to see you both. You know how she worries."

Edward winced. "Yes, I know very well."

"I'd like to see Esme and Carlisle," I said, glancing at Edward. He didn't seem perturbed by the notion.

"They'll both be relieved to see you doing so well together," Alice said. "Carlisle was frantic before."

"I know," Edward said broodingly. "I heard his thoughts."

I squeezed Edward's hand, hardly able to imagine what he'd suffered. Even through the dull filter of human memory, I could still see him cringing in the corner of that small room in Denali, and it was something I never wanted to see again.

* * *

Alice and Jasper left in the evening. I could tell Alice wanted to stay, but Jasper could feel my need to be alone with Edward, or perhaps Edward's need to be alone with me, judging by the way his touches had lingered all afternoon.

We remained in the sand on our backs, watching the stars appear. It still amazed me how much I could see with my new eyes, how the stars had distinct shapes, different colors. I could now tell the difference between the light of stars and the reflections of planets and satellites. And the moon was so very clear, its geography evident from where I sat.

"It's really beautiful," I said, turning my head toward Edward. Of course, he was already looking at me, smiling in a way that left me breathless. I saw the words on his lips and shook my head.

"Don't say it," I warned him. "It's too cheesy."

Edward arched an eyebrow. "Too cheesy to say I find you far more beautiful than some balls of hydrogen out in space?"

"Well, when you put it that way…" I laughed. "More beautiful than a ball of hydrogen. That might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

He turned onto his side and trailed the back of his hand over my cheek, much as he'd done back when I was first learning what he was. "And if I said I find you more beautiful than anything else in this universe?"

My mouth went dry at the naked adoration in his eyes. "That…would definitely be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Edward remained somber. "It's not sweet. 'Sweet' implies that I'm being overly kind. I'm not. I'm simply telling you the truth."

My breath hitched, Edward's scent catching in my throat, and my body tingled with awareness. "I swear, my heart still skips a beat when you say things like that."

He leaned forward until our noses touched. "I hope it always will. I don't know how I could ever do without seeing the look you're giving me right now."

I tilted my head to brush my lips against his, now so soft and pliable under my own. Edward threaded his fingers through my hair and held me to him, deepening the kiss with a sweep of his tongue across my lips. I opened my mouth to him, eager for his sweet, perfect taste, and the warm, wet rasp of his tongue against mine made my arousal flare.

He pulled my bikini-clad body closer and I curled my hand around his side, feeling hard muscle through the thin cotton of his shirt. I fisted my hand in the material and heard it rip. The corner of Edward's mouth lifted in a smile against mine and he pulled back slightly.

"At this rate, I won't have a single scrap of clothing to wear off this island," he teased. I waited to feel pain at the thought of leaving the island, but it never came.

Finally, I wasn't afraid anymore. The future no longer seemed something uncertain or a thing to dread – because I would be with Edward, wherever I went. The realization meant I couldn't care less about Edward's shirts, or lack thereof.

"I'm ready, Edward," I murmured, my words barely intelligible against his kisses.

He pulled back again, his brow furrowed. "Ready?" It brought to mind a night not so long ago when Edward lay in my bed with me for the first time and told me sex would never be possible for us.

"I'll show you," I said as my body buzzed with anticipation. Looking into his eyes, I shoved as hard as I could at my shield and showed him what I wanted tonight.

He stopped breathing, stilled entirely, his lips parted and his eyes darkening with desire at the images – fantasies – I showed him. I could feel the tension in his arms as his grip tightened on my hips.

I gave him flashes – imaginings of his body bare in the moonlight, his shoulders flexing above me, his skin sliding against mine, how it would feel when he pushed inside me the first time –

Edward groaned and pinned me to the ground with his heavy body, his arousal evident as it pressed against my stomach. His hands slid beneath me to hold me against him. I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his back, stopping just shy of his shorts.

"You're ready," he said. I didn't think there could be any question of that now, but I nodded anyway. A slow smile spread across his lips, and my desire flared like embers stoked in a fire.

Edward lowered his head and stopped just shy of kissing me, his lips ghosting against mine as he spoke.

"Oh, Bella. I am so very, _very_ ready."

* * *

**To Be Continued**


End file.
